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December 21, 2010

FMWL's 12 Midnights of Christmas: 5 Dreaded Remakes (By Malice of Horrorland's Malice!)

 Though most of the folks I asked to join in on FMWL's 12 Midnights of Christmas have been long-time friends of FMWL, I couldn't resist inviting the hostess of one of the favorite young horror sites I've come across.  Her name is Malice, and she brings a wonderful balance of snarky humor and thorough knowledge to her blog, Malice of Horrorland.  And she knows that the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie rules, so you really have no excuse to not check out her ramblings, right?  Point is, I'm excited to have her on board as she presents five truly terrifying horror developments!


 FMWL's 12 Midnights of Christmas presents: 5 Dreaded Remakes
By Malice from Malice of Horrorland

Why horror has fallen victim to so many remakes as of late is a mystery to most. Is Hollywood trying to say something? No, they’re just too scared to take a chance on original thought. In this economy it’s all about the sure thing, the money-makers, the tried-and-true. Even if it flops. At least then they can shrug and say, “Well, it worked the first time,” rather than take responsibility for ruining a good thing.

Fortunately, fright fans lurking around cyberspace have succeeded in intimidating the hell out of Platinum Dunes with some serious distaste for their remakes of A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) and Friday the 13th (1980), and possibly scared them away from plans to reboot The Birds (1963) and Rosemary’s Baby (1968). Here’s hoping it sticks.

However, we haven’t scared them all.

On the 5th Midnight of Christmas Zombie Studio Execs gave to me:

IT (1990, Dir. by Tommy Lee Wallace.)

By far, the most frightening work of Stephen King’s to date, this classic was originally released as a televised mini-series in November, 1990. Tim Curry as Pennywise is no doubt an image that has been burned into the vernacular of any self-respecting horror fan with an imagination and a few deep-seeded fears of their own.

Well, hold on to your rubber noses kids, Warner Brothers is hell-bent on consolidating the massive book into one single solitary feature film. Little has been discussed publicly about the plans, other than a few interviews given by proposed writer, Dave Kajgenich, in which he has discussed his approach to adapting the book into a film respectful of the original story. Basically, he’ll put everything and the kitchen sink in, and whittle it down from there. I know, I’m cringing as well. Kajgenich’s past writing credits include The Invasion (2007) and Blood Creek (2008) and is also rumored to be writing a remake of Pet Sematary (1989).

No release date has been announced as of yet. Let’s hope it stays that way.

Poltergeist (1982, Dir. by Tobe Hooper.)

You’d think the rumors of the Poltergeist curse and the tragedies that haunt the original production would stave off anyone from remaking this classic. But no, things seems to be moving along quite smoothly as of yet. It even has an IMDB all set up and ready to break the news.

MGM, the studio responsible for the original, seems to feel that this needs a reboot. A re-introduction, if you will, to new generations. You know, maybe it’s just me, but if the budding young generations following mine are so lazy they can’t put the original on their Netflix, then we are truly screwed. The future holds nothing. The end is nigh. Good game. We did our best.

Here’s some more frightening news about this one: The writers set to wow you at how awesome this movie wasn’t the first time around are Juliet Snowden and Stiles White. Their past work in the genre include such mind-blowing masterpieces as Boogeyman (2005) and the Nicholas Cage snooze-fest Knowing (2009).

Set to direct the remake is Vadim Perelman, who you may know as the director of House of Sand and Fog (2003).

This one is set to hit theatres in 2013. There’s still time. Feel free to write your congressman.

Child’s Play (1988, Dir. by Tom Holland.)

And you thought the failure that was Seed of Chucky (2004) would have spelled the end of the Chucky franchise. Silly horror fan. Just because it’s stupid doesn’t mean there won’t be more of it.

When confronted about his decision to continue the Child’s Play franchise that he, and only he, can be blamed for, Don Mancini says it’s time for Chucky to (you guessed it) be introduced to budding young horror fans the whole world over. *sigh*

The good news (grasping at straws, here) Brad Dourif will be reprising his role as the voice of Chucky. And Mancini promises a darker, more sinister film this time around. Oh okay, well that makes this totally necessary. *rolls eyes*

As of right now, the release is set for 2011 through Universal. There has been much delay in getting this little bad boy off the ground, as folks at Universal and MGM weren’t crossing their t’s or dotting their i’s and no one could seem to figure out who owns the rights for a remake. Hmm…so you really don’t have to be smart to run things. Awesome! To avoid conflict concerning this matter, Mancini has said, “It’s not a strict remake.”

Alrighty then.

Hellraiser (1987, Dir. by Clive Barker.)

While I respect Patrick Lussier as an editor in the industry, his directing has neither impressed, nor irritated me. But his choice in projects is starting to do the latter. He has a tendency to latch on to remakes and sequels. Thus far, we’ve had the tepid Dracula 2000 and My Bloody Valentine (2009). And in the near future, he’ll be helming Halloween III (2011).

Seraphim Films and The Weinstein Company have hired writer Todd Farmer, known for penning the screenplays of Jason X (2001), My Bloody Valentine (2009) and The Messengers (2007), to bring Pinhead back to the masses because (once again) that whole search mechanism on Netflix is really hard to figure out.

This one is set for 2012. I have combs to clean and a sock drawer to organize, but I’m sure I’ll get around to it eventually.

The Thing (1982, Dir. by John Carpenter.)

Whether this one is a prequel to John Carpenter’s 1982 remake, or a generic remake of a remake is unclear to me. I’ve heard it both ways. What I do understand is that it is set in the same Norwegian camp as the 1982 masterpiece and promises the same storyline of the alien that plans on world domination by means of paranoia.

It is set to release on October 14th, 2011. Written by Ronald D. Moore of Battlestar Galactica (2004) fame and Eric Heisserer, responsible for such original thinking as A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010), A Nightmare on Elm Street 2 (2011), and Final Destination 5 (2011).

So far, the only glimmer of hope that this thing won’t suck lies in the casting. We have something to look forward to in Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Final Destination 3, 2006 and Death Proof, 2007), Star Wars alum Joel Edgerton, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (Lost, 2004), and Eric Christian Olsen (Not Another Teen Movie, 2001).

The estimated $35,000,000 budget indicates some fancy-shmancy effects. Lets hope it’s not to overshadow lame acting or lack of plot. Strike Entertainment has managed to deliver a quality remake before in 2004’s Dawn of the Dead. This may or may not be in good hands. We shall see.

Happy Holidays from Horrorland! Everyone hail to the Pumpkin King!

Love and Gore,
Malice
***************************************************
Man, if that ain't five movies I don't want to see, I don't know what that is. (Even if I admit to kind of being curious about the Thing prequel thingy if only because I want to see what they do with it because....well, I don't know.)  Thanks again to Malice for joining our holiday fiesta, and if you haven't checked out Malice of Horrorland yet, do yourself a favor and DO IT!  Until next time, Midnight Warriors....Don't fear the remake!!!  </cuecowbell>

9 comments:

Malice said...

The Mike - You are SO welcome! I can't thank you enough for inviting me to contribute to your own fantastic blog. :)

Jinx said...

Nice work! While the remakes may be god awful, I'm super glad to see Malice's work here. She's such an awesome, funny, talented new writer and I hope very mcuh this sends more people towards her blog to share the fun she offers. Way to go, Malice!

Emily said...

I have to disagree with you on two points here. While I love aspects of the original IT miniseries, the film falls apart with that ending (probably the book's fault more than anything, but there's still room for improvement) and I honestly wouldn't minds seeing a less drawn out version. As for Child's Play, do not EVER speak ill of Seed of Chucky! I find it absolutely hilarious and kind of the only direction the franchise could have gone in at that point. I wasn't thrilled by the idea of a remake (especially considering it's one of my favorite films of all time) but I trust Mancini will take his own material and look at it from a different point of view. I'm nervous, but also pretty intrigued.

Beth Island said...

Yay!!!! I love Malice!

TheGirlWhoLovesHorror said...

Leave my beloved Poltergeist alone, PLEASE! You know what? Just leave all of them alone. I'm the first to admit that there have been films that could actually do with a remake, but in all honestly all of these films (with the possible exception of IT) still stand just fine on their own, despite their age.

And that picture of Chucky scared the shit out me. Thanks for that.

Liam Underwood said...

Some of these remakes could have potential... if we weren't currently in a climate that delivers watered-down shite horror thrills. The lack of originality these days is distressing, and the raping of decent classics is definitely not the right way to go.

Alas... whatever earns.

R.D. Penning said...

I think I just threw up a little. That is a lot of remakes that don't need to be made, but I'm ok with the Child's Play one just because Dourif is still doing the voice. I absolutely do not want to see a remake of IT. As perhaps the biggest Stephen King fan on the face of the planet, I must say "Just leave it in book form" The TV movie wasn't that great, but just let it go.

Adrian Anna said...

Emily - I see your point about IT. I know very little about this writer they have on the job, or I may have more faith in it. But I'm also a huge King fan like R.D. Penning and will stand by my decision that this is a DREADED remake.

I'll probably see every one of these should they come to pass. But no matter what...nothing beats the originals.

Thanks everyone!!

Fred [The Wolf] said...

The only one I disagree with is CHILD'S PLAY. It seems the same people are working on the remake, which gives me hope that it'll be halfway decent for the most part. As for the others, please stay away from them. Especially HELLRAISER, which will get a PG-13 remake! HECKraiser, anyone?