Supremely Cheesy Cinema, Vol 11: The Being

The ultimate terror takes form - if the tagline is to be believed - in The Being, an incredibly ridiculous piece of '80s horror that served as the debut feature for Blood Diner helmer Jackie Kong.   It's a film that I always remember around this time each year, because it just happens to be set on the eve and day of Easter.  Celebrating the resurrection of the Lord with a movie about a mutated beast that comes from toxic dumping that Martin Landau approved is probably a bit off.  But hey, association is association.

I don't know why, but I love horror movies with streets that look like THIS.

The setting is the small town of Pottsville, Idaho, where the locals are up in arms about recent events. Some of the townfolk are upset about filthy pornography invading their happy community, while others are worried about the contamination caused by a corporate fella (played by Landau, who's long been one of my favorite dudes) who is behind some waste disposal just outside the town.  We learn very early in the film - we're talking pretty much scene two - that these fears are valid, as a slimy creature that leaves a green trail takes out a scared teenager in a vicious manner.

That will definitely lower the car's resale value.

Enter our well bearded, trashy looking hero - Detective Mortimer Lutz.  He's played by producer Bill Osco - a member of the Osco Drug family - but Osco decided he needed a pseudonym for his on-screen persona.  And he created pretty much the best fake name for an awkward horror movie star of all-time: REXX COLTRANE.

He's like Kurt Russell in The Thing, only it's Idaho and he's uncomfortably hilarious.

Mr. Rexx Coltrane - there's no way I'm ever going to pass up the chance to write Rexx Coltrane, so this review might get a little repetitive here - is both the investigator assigned to the mysterious disappearances and one of the first people to encounter The Being and escape, which makes him basically Sheriff Brody from Jaws and Roy Neary from Close Encounters of the Third Kind all wrapped up in one awkward-yet-manly package.  Rexx Coltrane is probably most defined in one fantastic sequence, in which Rexx Coltrane a) accidentally sneaks up on the waitress he is trying to protect/bone; b) helps her to her car; c) notices a Being randomly hurling itself into the car from just off the right side of the screen; and d) jump kicks the door shut so he and waitress/new love interest can run away as fast as they can.  It's one of the best scenes ever, because it contains images like THIS:

Rexx Coltrane knows kung fu. WHOA.

As if the Earth-shattering performance from Rexx Coltrane - who takes on The Being straight through a warehouse based final showdown - wasn't enough of a reason to see The Being, I present another Oscar worthy performer from the film.  That performance comes from little Roxanne Cybelle - the daughter of Kong and Osco/Rexx Coltrane - in the film's most wonderful Easter based scene.

And the Academy Award for Best Performance by the Child of a Director & Rexx Coltrane goes to...

In said scene, little Ms. Cybelle plays Suzie, a toddler stuck in an Easter Egg hunt with much larger and less humane children.  We follow the pantless child around as she reaches for little bitty eggs and has them snatched from her grasp by older children who appear to have no souls.  Undeterred, Little Suzie (who may have had the Tesla song named after her, but I can't confirm that) keeps searching for eggs, wanders into some trees, and finds a hole in the ground that's kind of disgusting.

Worst. Easter. Egg. Hunt. EVER.

That's pretty gross looking, right? If you were a pantless toddler, you'd probably walk away from that, right? Well then....you're not as totally awesome as little Suzie as played by Roxanne Cybelle.  She knows that an Easter Egg hunt is a war - in fact, she probably learned that while she was still in the loins of Rexx Coltrane - and she doesn't give up so easily.  She doesn't walk away from the slimy hole with a baby Being in it.  She goes for the gold like a champion.

What's the worst that could happen?

Naturally, I wouldn't dream of telling you all what happens next (and honestly, I'm not sure what happens next makes enough sense to be explained anyway). All I can say is that this little girl is a superstar, and that she should be lauded through all the kingdoms of the horror realm.  As I rewatched the movie last night, I had to watch this scene a good three times - because there are very few equally excellent scenes involving children in terrifying situations in horror these days.  I kind of want to bottle this scene and put it into a better horror, but I guess it's like that old saying - you gotta dance with who brung ya.

And sometimes you dance with Martin Landau while he carries TWO rifles.

The rest of The Being isn't really as fantastic as these two marvelous scenes - Ruth Buzzi, Dorothy Malone, and Jose Ferrer(!) all add some exquisite cheese to many scenes, but lack Rexx Coltrane's hairy presence - and the plot is relatively C.H.U.D.-dy while not being C.H.U.D., but it's a far more enjoyable film than its 3.0/10 rating on that there IMDB would indicate. Though the film was actually produced in 1980 (with the title Easter Sunday, which I assume was there to try and capitalize on the holiday-themed-horror craze of the era), it sat on the shelf until a brief release in 1983.  Any cinephile can easily see why the film was relatively ignored on the whole - especially if they don't see the appeal of Rexx Coltrane as a laughable star or have a fondness for incredibly slimy creatures - but there's a charm here that a non-discriminating horror fan might recognize.

I'd like to think The Being has an eye for detail...

The Being is darn ridiculous - it even starts with an awesome bit of narration from a movie-trailer-sounding voice over man that sets a tone of ridiculousness - but I can't help being enamored with it.  It's a one of a kind small town horror - you might say it's the Balki Bartokomous to C.H.U.D.'s Larry Appleton (Perfect Strangers FTW!) - and it makes me smile a bunch.  So, in the name of everything Rexx Coltrane and Roxanne Cybelle - go find The Being.  You'll thank (or curse) me later.  Either way - Happy Easter!

This post is sincerely dedicated to the only man who would run to save Martin Landau, but stop near the end to re-adjust his black baseball cap: REXX COLTRANE. May his name live on forever.

Katherine Heigl Looks Kinda Like a C.H.U.D.

Yes, it's mean. But I swear to Gosh I see a resemblance.

C.H.U.D. II: Bud The Chud

(1989, Dir. by David Irving.)

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS.  Repressed memories are a real thing after all.  How do I know this, you ask?  Well, I know this because tonight, in a random bit of spontaneous ridiculousness, I decided that it had been far too long since I'd seen C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud.  So, I dug up my VHS copy of the film - I have like 20 VHS tapes left...and this is one of them? - kickstarted the ol' TV/VCR combo which only gets used when I feel like I need to record Packers games, and let C.H.U.D. II happen to me for the first time in like ten years.  And it wasn't long before I realized just how much I - in some sick and wrong way - was influenced by this ridiculous pseudo-sequel to one of my favorite '80s horrors.  Like, I had blocked out almost all of the silly plot points, almost all of the awful dialogue that I used to joke about and...well, almost everything about the movie.  It was all lost, somewhere in my mind, because the DVD era happened and no one ever saw fit to release C.H.U.D. II on DVD in America.  But, as I watched the film unfold....well, let's just let my main man Meat Loaf explain how I felt about meeting C.H.U.D. II again.....

Yeah, I'm throwing the Loaf at C.H.U.D. II, because I can't help feeling that this film was more important to young nerd Mike than I remembered it being.  But before you think I'm absolutely crazy, let me explain myself.  Please.  If nothing else, I've earned this much with the Loaf. (Unless you don't like Loaf, in which case you can go read some crappier blog right the heck now.  There's no choice involved here, FMWL is a 100% Pro-Loaf blog.)

C.H.U.D. II connects to its predecessor only through its name and a few mentions of the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers that filled that film's subterranean landscapes.  After a military opening in which an officer played by Robert Vaughn - who in my mind is playing the same character he did in the last season of The A-Team - discusses the end of the government's experiments in Chudism (that's a real word used in the movie, folks), we meet the last Chud, who bears little resemblance to his green skinned, yellow-eyed forefathers.

That C.H.U.D. is of course Bud, the title character who is played by notorious awesome dude Gerrit Graham.  Graham is probably most known for playing the hysterical rock opera diva Beef in Brian De Palma's Phantom of the Paradise (at least in my world he is), but he also made a decent career of appearing in ridiculous and/or awesome films, including - but not limited to - Chopping Mall, Demon Seed, Used Cars (opposite Kurt Russell!), The Man With One Red Shoe, and Child's Play 2.  Oh, and last but not least, Graham also showed up - in a gorilla suit - in another infamous sequel to a Mike favorite: BEWARE! THE BLOB.  So yeah...he's pretty awesome.

Graham is quite literally the heart of C.H.U.D. II - if you could even accuse the film of having one - as his physical presence as the Frankenstein-ish zombie (whose appearance also borrows a bit from Day of the Dead's Bub the Zombie) is basically the film's only effective punchline.  Seeing the actor ramble about while peeking in windows at women doing aerobics or picking up trick or treaters to determine whether or not they'd make a good snack is good for a few chuckles - mostly out of embarrassment for him being stuck in this film - and he also adds a little bit of drama at the end of the film with a gesture that reminds of ill-fated monsters like Frankenstein's creation.  Graham certainly is one part of the film I don't want to fault - even if his performance is at times overly silly, because he seems to be having a lot of fun despite the film he's in.

The rest of the film is, to be honest, kind of pitiful.  All the major plot points seem derivative of better films from the era like The Return of the Living Dead and Night of the Creeps, and the film does little to make the viewer think there's anything worth caring about in its simple, derivative plot.  The characters, led by a trio of teens and supported by small town stereotypes and the normal scientists/military folk you'd expect, have no depth, and almost all of the dialogue in the movie consists of one-liners or off-hand jokes.  I'm not exaggerating here - literally every scene features two to four intended bits of silly humor, ranging from references to beer commercials (two CHUDs chirping "Tastes Great! Less Filling" before heading into a bar) to random arguments that no real humans would have.  This is perhaps most evident from the conversations between our teen characters' parents, who seem to have been the inspiration for the awful comedy relief parents in Michael Bay's Transformers films. (To be fair, I did actually laugh when the father told his wife that his mother never used beauty products and the mother retorted "Your mother looked like Humphrey Bogart!")

So, with awful humor stinking up the film, no connection to the serious but fun original, and no interesting characters, you'd assume that the film at least has violence and gore to offer horror fans, right?  WRONG.  Next to no gore occurs on screen, little blood is shed, and most of the CHUDs look like they walked out of the Thriller music video.

And yet, all of C.H.U.D. II's missteps - which I'm quite aware are horrible missteps - kind of thrilled me again tonight.  I often claim that I don't believe in guilty pleasures, but in the case of this film...I'm not so sure anymore.  There's so much wrong with it - really, sooooo much wrong - but I can't help feeling charmed by its attempts to recreate everything the teen horrors of the '80s represented, even as it fails miserably.  From the opening hospital hijinks to the end credits and their '80s style theme song, I kinda get suckered in to C.H.U.D. II.  I know its bad - Heck, I think I know it's terrible - but I'm ridiculously glad I decided to watch it again. 

So, if you're feeling frisky - This Chud's for you! (Yes, that's an actual line from the film.)  I can't recommend it - because it's an awful, awful movie - but I kind of want to anyway.  Just go to You Tube, look up Bud The Chud, and you will see what I mean.

Or, maybe you won't.  But at least we'll still have The Loaf.

Midnight Movie of the Week #30 - C.H.U.D.

If you know both definitions of the acronym C.H.U.D., you're OK in my book. The DVD artwork gives away the one you need to know to enjoy this film - Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. It's one of the most sensational titles in the history of horror cinema, but it's also a bit misleading. That's not because the film doesn't have Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers...believe me, it does....it's because one would probably expect something very different from a film with that title.If you're like I was before I saw the film, you might expect a cheesy romp in which zombie-like creatures chow down on unsuspecting folks. You'd be right, to an extent. But I doubt you'd expect a film that takes its time setting up a human plot, introducing interesting characters, and plays the whole thing with a straight face. It sounds completely crazy, even to someone who's seen the movie half a dozen times. In the midst of the excessive eighties, C.H.U.D offers a focus on story and character that seems more like the horrors of the 1970s or the sci-fi monster flicks of the 1950s? Shocking, but mostly true.

There are some slips here and there - at one point a woman with a gun is pushed off screen and disappears from a scene that's set in a confined area - but the film, from director Douglas Cheek, has its head on straight as a horror film despite its ridiculous premise. It's easy to see the influence of city-bound horrors of the earlier part of this decade (Alligator and Wolfen come to mind) on the tone Cheek takes with his film.Within this serious tone, C.H.U.D. most definitely has some moments of monster movie brilliance. The creatures are wonderful, if not slightly bland, and that C.H.U.D. growl sound effect belongs in a monster hall of fame. The characters, led by future Home Alone stars John Heard and Daniel Stern, all buy in to the C.H.U.D. universe and sell what the film is offering without smirking. Manhunter's Kim Greist gets to offer some screams of terror that remind of the blondes-in-peril of the 1950s (and gets to wield a sword!), and there's even a shower scene that allows the movie to join the ranks of the best Psycho imitators. One scene even seems to have been directly lifted for James Cameron's Aliens two years later.

(Unrelated to the rest of my review, but it must me said: I tried my hardest to count how many times the name Bosch, which belongs to the police captain played by Christopher Curry, was spoken in this film. After about 50 minutes, I lost count around 25. Someday, I'll complete this goal. If you're into games which require someone to partake of something when something happens on screen, look no further than BOSCH.)I've still never gotten over how much I dig C.H.U.D. Its fusion of monster movie and social commentary, gritty modern setting, and intelligent, well-acted characters are one-of-a-kind. I know it seems ridiculous to say with a straight face, but if the cast and crew could do it, so can I. C.H.U.D. is a near perfect midnight movie treat.