The Horrors of High School Football

Many of you know this - probably through previous posts or social networking sites - but the truth of the matter is that The Mike is a football brat.  Real football, that is. Y'know, the kind with pads and helmets and strategy - not the one where a bunch of dudes jog after a ball.  It's not my fault.  I was born where there was one thing that brought the people of my small town together, with a father who was an assistant coach of the team by the time I was 10.  I didn't have a choice - it's in my blood like a virus. And I'm proud of it.

Recently, I made the mistake of digging into Friday Night Lights, the TV version of the film version of the book version of what the people who romanticize high school football want us to believe high school football is.  It's got shiny people, shiny uniforms, shiny drama, and all that B.S. that might be what happens in the high school football world that people want us to believe in.  Here's the secret though - it's not what Hollywood wants us to believe in.  It's what the people who worship high school football want us to believe in.

Almost thirteen years after the fact, I'm still kind of convinced that high school football is one of the top five most horrifying things I've ever been a part of. There's family emergencies, the Packers losing to John Elway, getting an IV needle put in my hand, something I'm forgetting....and then high school football.  Now let's take a look at just why high school football still scares me.

The Puppet Master

The number one lesson that is taught to any youngster who wants to play football is that they need to fear their coach.  Not all their coaches have to be feared, but the head coach - well, he has to have the power to ruin your life.  He has to be able to have every male 14-18 year old male in the school at his bidding, and to have them at his bidding - they have to believe that going against him will destroy them.  He'll yell and scream and he'll threaten....but he has enough control to make bad things happen.  He's kind of like an evil Bela Lugosi or an evil Vincent Price....but he can make you run.  We're talking sprint until you puke run, all while you try to shout something like PRIDE as you gasp for your next breath.  And he will do it, and sometimes he will do it for no good reason.

Being a coaches son let me in on a little secret - the coach isn't as scary as he acts in real life.  He's not like the coach in Friday Night Lights or Varsity Blues. (Both horrible movies, BTW.)  He's more like Craig T. Nelson in Coach, just not as cool as Craig T. Nelson.  (And that's awesome, BTW.)  So the next time you kids think the coach is as scary as the coach wants you to think he is, remember how cool Craig T. Nelson is. (And now that I've let you in on this little secret...I'm a little afraid that Coach might show up and make me run tomorrow.)

The Golden Boy

Think about a slasher movie you like.  Now think about the character you like the least.  I'm willing to bet that at least half of you thought of the guy in the slasher movie who's got spiked hair, a varsity letter jacket, and who thinks he's God's gift to the world.  He's not the villain we're supposed to fear, but he becomes a villain simply because he's a We all hate that guy.  And that guy, who only makes the situation in that slasher movie worse, is a real guy that's on the high school football team.

The thing to know when it comes to this fool who is ignorant of the reality around him is that most of his teammates think he's a jerk too.  As a full-time member of the "meat squad"* during my high school tenure, one of the best memories from those sweaty days was the day when that jerk decided to take a play off.  Despite my slowness, fatness, and preoccupation with what movie I was gonna watch after the game on Friday night, I made him look foolish in that moment....and then Coach yelled at him for the next 10 minutes.  The point? In a horror movie - and on the football field - his foolish pride can make him dangerous.  On the football field someone's probably not gonna die when he screws up....but if he lets a punt get blocked, that's just as bad.

Letting a punt get blocked = Machete in your team's face.

* - If you don't know, the "Meat Squad" was the nickname given to the scout team, who were the daily meal offered to both the starting defense and the starting offense.  Consider me chopped liver.

The Ghosts

If you live in a small town and played high school football, it's quite possible that there was a ghost behind you for much of your life.  It might be your parent (I was lucky enough to have my ghost on the sideline with me), your sibling, or some other dude who played the same position years before.  There's a bar that's been set for you before you even step on the field, and people are going to remind you of it...or you're just gonna be paranoid about matching it if they don't.  Yes, I asked my dad all about how much he played and how many tackles he registered and how many games his teams won because I wanted to know about what things were like when he was a teen....but also because I wanted to know what I had to do to escape that ghost.

On the bright side, these aren't the kind of ghosts that require an exorcist or Roddy McDowell or some kind of seance.  Once you stop worrying about what other people think the ghosts can't affect you.  In most cases, like the case of my father and I, the results won't really matter to them.  Did I play all the time and make All-State and win a State Championship? Nope. Did I show up every day, do my best to help my team any way I could, and - most importantly - make myself and my father proud? Absolutely.  Be gone, ghosts of football past. You have no dominion over us.

(Oh, and along with the ghosts, there's also girls. Allegedly, girls like football players.  That's wicked scary.)

Mr. Hyde

If there's one thing that still scares me as I look back at my high school football days, it's my practice jersey.  The small piece of cloth that I wore over my shoulder pads for 12-15 weeks for four straight years had holes ripped in both shoulders and the lettering worn off.  Why? Because I - a generally mild mannered dude - decided that I needed to throw myself chest first at a bunch of people who wanted to smash me.  Every day. For four years.

That's not scary, per say. It's mostly stupid.  But the scary moments were the ones when I got caught up in the action and ended up doing things Mike would never do, like throwing a shoulder into a blocker after getting beat the previous play or getting penalized for unnecessary roughness when I flattened the opponent's "star" defender at the end of a play during a 41-14 blow out win - which led to me getting in an argument with the referee and getting pulled from the game while pumping my fist to the crowd.  I was ecstatic, because I had hurt someone I was told to hurt.  And that scares me.

We see those characters in football movies like The Replacements or The Longest Yard - but we also see them in horror all the time.  There's no drug that turns the normally timid into a bloodthirsty monster - except adrenaline.  And if you go into football with the "right" mindset - you're gonna become that monster.  And that coach who wants to prove he's scary....he's gonna like that.

The point of this all, which really doesn't relate to this blog too well, is this. If you're a high schooler who wants to play football - or who is expected to play football - there are gonna be some scary things that happen around you.  People are going to make it difficult on you, and you're gonna make it difficult on yourself.  People will try to control you.  People will put you in danger. People will pressure you. You will pressure yourself.  You might even scare yourself.  And those are just some of the scary parts of the high school football scene.

But hey, there are benefits too.  Looking back, I remember there were so many days that I wished I could just run away from all the horrors of what I'd chosen to be a part of.  Now that I'm older, there are times I miss those pressures and the opportunities to be the monster in a controlled setting that I was given.  Football's a fickle mistress, and if you're going to commit to it you need to be ready for the trouble that comes with it. 

And know that you will eventually - possibly because The Golden Boy screwed up, possibly because it was an off day for everyone - find yourself running ladders when team session goes bad.  Ladders are like the Cenobites of the football field - and your suffering will be legendary, even in Hell.

Now bring on football season!

Supremely Cheesy Cinema, Vol. 7: Devil Times Five

Best title card ever? Possibly. 

Kids kill the darndest things.  At least that's what happens in Devil Times Five, a relatively early entry in the killer kid subgenre of horror.  Released in 1974, its story brings together three couples who are involved in organized crime (led by a bearded fellow called "Papa Doc"), one secluded and snowbound vacation home, and - most importantly - five violent and psychotic children.  Previously incarcerated and now set free by a freak transport accident, the quintet are enough to make me wonder what the odds are of five murderous psycho children between 13-10 happening to be on one isolated institutional transport with one inept driver.  Is there some sort of  "Center For Kids Who Can Kill Good And Who Want To Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too" in the mountains that I don't know about?

Sadly, there are no Devil horns...but they do use a pitchfork once!

The group is a unique fusion of vicious kids with different bits of craziness.  One thinks he's an army commander, one claims he's going to be an actor and uses large words and plays chess.  Another thinks she's a nun, another is fascinated with fire, and the fifth....well, she's just a little girl who wants to play.  The casting of the group is also notable, particularly due to the presence of child star Leif Garrett as the smarty-pants-kid and his sister Dawn Lyn as the youngest of the group. Their mother, Carolyn Stellar, also stars as Papa Doc's lady friend, who joins an elite group of actresses to have their 11-year-old daughter dump piranha on them in a bathtub.

Also, I think she looks a bit like Rose McGowan.  Rowwr.

The other side of the film are the three couples at this secluded result, which really boil down to two and a half couples.  Papa Doc (played by Gene Evans) is no nonsense and business oriented, which leads to Stellar's character (simply named Lovely) trying her best to seduce the heir to the kingpin's throne, Rick.  Rick is there with his fiancee, however...which can lead to only one thing.

CATFIGHT!!!!!

Aside from Stellar's beauty, the other adults - primarily Sorrell Booke's (YES, the guy who played Boss Hogg!) meek Harvey Beckman and his alcoholic wife Ruth - are much more interesting than this love triangle.  But we're not here to see what they do, they only exist to be used by the plot. Don't believe me? Then consider this: the film's original title was Peopletoys -  which explains what the kids think of the adults.  The film takes this literally in the final scenes, but the times when the kids manipulate and deceive the adults are the most entertaining parts of the presentation.

Number one way to make someone appear deceptively smart in a movie? CHESS.

While Devil Times Five offers killer kids taking on the kind of victims that only the '70s could provide (read as: with mustaches and sideburns), there's certainly something lacking in the gore department.  While I don't generally like to condemn a movie's lack of gore (and while the problem might be with the transfer of the bargain DVD at times), Devil Times Five is a wee bit restrained for my taste.  The kids' first kill is the film's most frustrating, as the director decided it would be a good idea to add to the effect by slowing the film down to a crawl, muting the colors, and inserting sound effects that sound like Will Ferrell growling like a bear.  I guess slow motion was more effective in the '70s or something, but to me it seems like director Sean MacGregor is resigned to minimize the effect of these "devils" actions on the viewer.  (He also spends far too much of the first act on the adult characters having boring discussions and one long seduction scene that's really weird, but that's a different story for another time.)

I'm sorry, but when you show me a swing with a phallic stabbing attachment, you better deliver the blood!

Make no mistake about it - there's an excellent piece of '70s killer kid coolness trapped inside the second and third acts of Devil Times Five.  It's just really hard to find it amidst all the silly parts of the film.  While I want to stare at Ms. Stellar and while I do enjoy various incarnations of facial hair on slobby lookin' dudes...what I'm really looking for is that brutal edge that can make a killer kid film great.  Devil Times Five simply misses too many opportunities to harness that, which makes the end result far less worthy than it could be.  

Y'know, that would make making a snowman easier....

Aside from a few moments like the previously mentioned piranha bath, it's easy to see why Devil Times Five slipped out of society's eyes despite its release at the peak of horror's golden age.  It's just a bit too uneven and a bit too restrained to live on as more than a fringe favorite of drive-in junkies.  But hey, it got me thinking - a lot more thinking than I expected it too, honestly - and that's worth something.  If you like '70s cheese and crazy kids, I suppose there are worse ways to spend an hour and half. Just expect to be a little disappointed when the title card that reads "The Beginning" comes on screen before the end credits - because the film seems to agree that the children's story leaves the viewer a bit unfulfilled.

Midnight Movie of the Week #84 - The Toxic Avenger

If I can be serious for a moment, the likes of Troma Films and I don't always get along.  It's not their fault...if anyone's to blame, it's society.  Growing up in the rural Midwest, films like theirs weren't readily available to a budding cinephile.  Instead, I learned from a steady diet of mainstream cinema on HBO - along with the films of Alfred Hitchcock, Gene Hackman, and Robert De Niro whenever I could get them - which burned certain standards into my mind at a young age.  When you raise yourself on films directed by Hitch or Scorsese or Friedkin and starring the likes of Jimmy Stewart or De Niro or Hackman, you kind of start to put a premium on the Hollywood style.  To say that low budget companies like Troma break from that norm is nothing that anyone who's familiar with their output would disagree with.  And when that Hollywood norm is what you grow to consider the baseline for "good", a studio whose films can't reach that baseline just might rub you the wrong way.

Now that I've said that, I should point out that The Toxic Avenger - which kind of put that studio on the map back in the day - is about the most glorious argument against the standards of my youth that I've ever seen.  Unlike most dirt cheap genre trash out there, it's clear from start to finish that Toxie is a 100% B.S. free labor of love by a lot of people who a) were having a ton of fun and b) actually have a little bit of knowledge about how to make a film.  That second point gets overlooked sometimes, but I think it's the most important thing to note about this production.  I've seen my share of independent horror films that come from people who think they know what they're doing, but very few of them actually have their head in the right place.  It's sad, but it makes you appreciate the ones that get it right even more.

When I say that this movie is made by people who know about "making a film", I can't admit that I'm saying this looks like the kind of thing I'd have found in normal rotation on my TV screen when I was young.  But there are little things, things you don't often think about. that shine through in the work of the Troma team.  Their camera moves within the scene (most noticeably when Toxie takes on the drug dealer in the Tromaville Health Club and the camera cuts at least a dozen times in a few seconds to get the full effect), their lighting changes as needed to create mood (like the slasher-esque scene that leads to the sauna kill), and theor side jokes in the film aren't allowed to overpower the plot.

Too many independent makers of sleaze get caught up in doing things their own way and bucking the system that is in place without considering these kind of things. The folks behind The Toxic Avenger - Troma kingpin Lloyd Kaufman and his co-producer/director Michael Herz - seem to recognize that those who came before them have much to offer.  One could make the argument that some parts of the film are directly influenced by Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, and other parts of the film seem to owe a debt to comic book heroes across the globe.  Lots of people make films that are "inspired" by the things they love - but again, it only works if the people behind the film don't go too far and forget the little things.

Now, I suppose I should stop insinuating that the people behind The Toxic Avenger show restraint and fit the norms of Hollywood - because that would be terribly wrong.  This is a movie about a nerdy janitor who gets dumped in toxic waste and becomes a hulking mongoloid in a tutu who fights crime and falls in love with a blind babe - so it's not exactly Gone With the Wind.  The film offers maximum gore, over-the-top acting (I should add that the acting - as silly as it is - really sets the film's tone for us.  You can't really see a roided out freak like Bozo and not know what you're in for.), and some of the most random and silly scenes you'll ever see.  The nontraditional love story between our hero and the blind Sarah (who kind of looks like the '80s version of Sarah Michelle Gellar in all her wide eyed glory) is quite comical...but it's also kind of sweet in a weird way.

I've barely even talked about what the movie is all about - that sentence about the toxic waste and the mongoloid and the fighting crime basically sums it up - because I don't think that's what matters about The Toxic Avenger.  A lot of independent filmmakers think that the little movie their making is revolutionary because it bucks all the trends that one expects it to follow.  The Toxic Avenger is revolutionary because it accepts simple trends - like telling a hero's story and making your movie look like you thought the images on screen through ahead of time - and then creates its own ridiculous reality where carnage can reign supreme.  The Toxic Avenger rocks, but The Toxic Avenger rocks because it realizes that there are times when rocking too hard might cause it to rock less effectively.  No one else is gonna tell you this - and by spending so much time on it I've completely minimized just how bat-stuff crazy the film really is at times - but I think someone needs to point it out.

Putting that all aside, the bottom line should be that The Toxic Avenger is a masterpiece of independent trash, and that's why you should see it.  See it for its Frankensteiny bits, see it because it's a love story, see it because a kid's head gets run over by a speeding car full of a bunch of hooligans who drug and sex too much.  Don't see it because it conforms to the standards of real filmmaking....just keep an eye out for the signs that show you that Kaufman, Herz, and friends do actually care a little bit about that kind of stuff.  They're there, even if the rebels of Tromaville don't want you to see them.

Oh yeah, and see it because Marisa Tomei used to look like this. Creepy, right?

Trespass

(1992, Dir. by Walter Hill.)

If you asked me to name my favorite genre directors, it wouldn't be more than 20 seconds before I mentioned Walter Hill.  I guess he's not really at the top of my list with the likes of John Carpenter and William Friedkin and Sam Raimi, but he's always there in the periphery of my mind.  The unique thing that keeps him there, I think, is the fact that Hill has his own niche and his own style that I love - but he's never really branched his "genre" efforts into horror cinema.

Of course, I'd be a fool if I didn't point out that Hill had his hand in one of the most popular pieces of horror of the late-'80s/early-'90s - as an executive producer and three time director of Tales from the Crypt - and that he kind of was a driving force behind a little film called Alien and a little sequel called Aliens.  But when it comes to directing, Hill's forte has certainly been action thrillers - ranging from the gangland epic The Warriors to the rocktastic Streets of Fire and beyond.

One of the lesser known of his urban warfare films is Trespass, a cat-and-mouse siege picture that takes us into an abandoned warehouse in East St. Louis.  It's a film that stars two Bills (Paxton and Sadler) as firefighters who find a treasure map that leads to said warehouse, and stars two Ices (T and Cube) as "businessmen" who need a secluded place to conduct some "business" - and by "business", I mean to kill a brother who ain't been keepin' it real.  Since an abandoned warehouse is a nice secluded place, the Icemen head there with their associates (including Tiny "Zeus" Lister as a guy who wears baseball cleats and kicks/cuts people with them) at the same time the Billmen are looking for hidden gold...which leads to a standoff.

BTW, I need to talk to Bill Paxton for a minute here.  Hey Bill....you out there? OK, good.  Look man...I dig your work.  You're a cool dude.  But when you see a dead fella crashing through a skylight and falling toward you...don't just stand there and wait for the people who sent him down to look down and catch ya.  Seriously dude...just MOVE.  You move ten feet, and the movie's over.  You and Sadler keep lookin' for Gold and dealing with that homeless dude (played by awesome character actor Art Evans of Die Hard 2 and Fright Night), the Ices move on - and everyone lives....except the dead dude, that is.  But you had to just stand there, didn't you?  As you once said - Game over, man.

So, now we've got Mr. Paxton and Mr. Sandler in a room with a homeless dude and a hostage, and a group of African-American entrepreneurs who prefer not to be called a gang surrounding them.  Ice T is the clear leader of the group as the wise boss with the Biblical moniker "King James", but his second in command - Savon, played by Ice Cube - has his own ideas at times and likes to speak his mind.  Since there's a guy running around with a video camera - a character who's aptly named Video - most of the concerns thrown around about the chain of the command are documented, and in-fighting between the Ice Brothers (who aren't really brothers) becomes a interesting side plot while the Bills are fighting their own battle of righteousness (Paxton) vs. greed (Sadler) in the other room.

I think that's what most draws me to Trespass - everyone in the movie is just so gosh darn angry and not afraid to share it.  Even Paxton and Evans - who play the two characters who are morally grounded - get in on the action, and once the film hits its stride everyone seems to be yelling at everyone all the time.  It's not annoying yelling either, because these characters are given unique (if not stereotypical) voices, and it's pretty easy for the viewer to relate at some level with each of the characters on differing sides of the battle.  The performances work well, though Paxton is far less interesting as a nice guy than he is in more sinister roles, and the actors really up the tension throughout the film simply through their interactions with each other.

Trespass reeks of the early '90s and the budding rap culture of that era, from the neon green wiper blades on a Jeep to side characters using phrases like "Run tell dat!" that we don't often hear these days, but I still find it pretty fresh considering the simple set up and the limited setting of the film.  The characters dialogue (from a script by the Back To The Future duo of Bob Gale and Robert Zemeckis!) features flashes of brilliance, and moments like King James telling his crew 'They askin' for cops. If they askin' for cops, they can't be cops." show a respect for the logical skills of a character that could have been written as a stereotype gangster.  Sadler's character is also very well written, as his unethical ideas in the name of treasure keep the viewer wondering about both sides of the film.  Neither the Bills or Ices are totally "good" as a unit, and Hill and company use the ambiguous characters to build our interest in the film's predicament.

Trespass is certainly not among Hill's greatest hits - his run from Hard Times in 1975 to Streets of Fire in 1984 was darn near flawless - but it might be the best offering from the last part of his career.  With interesting characters and a fast-paced plot, the film never loses the viewer's attention and keeps us entertained for 90+ minutes while not insulting the intelligence of anyone involved.  Like John Carpenter's Assault on Precinct 13 before it, Trespass is a sharp look at gangland politics and a fun action picture at the same time.  If you're a fan of Hill like I am, this one is definitely worth seeking out.

The Mike's Top 10 Favorite Horror Films of the Last Decade

Yeah yeah, lists. You know you want some.

Friend of FMWL Marvin the Macabre of the always excellent site The Montana Mancave Massacre has sent out a call for help, and The Mike darn sure wasn't gonna let it go unanswered (BTW, y'all should click the logo below and answer the call too).  Especially when it involved...y'know, a list.  Lists are to Mike as canned hams are to Oprah.  (Also, jokes about Oprah and canned hams are to Mike as canned hams are to Oprah.)

Oh, the list...as said above....is of the Top 10 horrors of the last decade. And this means I need to give my common disclaimer about how this list is all my opinion and some of your favorite movies probably missed it and some movies that you hate are probably on it.  I know, I know. But hey, the good part is that - after you read my list and tell me how great or crappy it is - you can make your own list too!

Enough talky talky, let's roll. From 2002-2011, these are The Mike's ten favorite horror films.  Oh, and here's too many honorable mentions. Do you have any idea how hard it was to narrow this down to 10???? (HINT: It was REALLY hard.)

Honorable Mention:
Absentia, Bug, Dawning, The Descent, Drag Me to Hell, Feast, Frailty, Lake Mungo, Let The Right One In/Let Me In, Pontypool, Red White & Blue, Rogue, Shaun of the Dead, Slither, 28 Days Later..., Zombieland

#10 - Incident On and Off a Mountain Road
(2005, Dir. by Don Coscarelli.)

Yeah, I'm cheating a bit. But Don Coscarelli's inaugural episode of the up-and-down Masters of Horror series won me over quickly. Truthfully, a large part of the charm came from the fact that its theme closely resembles the final paper I wrote for a a creative writing class in college.

I wrote an alien werewolf, they wrote a moon-faced dude. Potatoes, Potatos.

Of course, I didn't have the talent of the great Joe Lansdale, and thus Incident On and Off a Mountain Road did a lot more with the empowered woman in peril idea than I could have possible imagined.  Anchored by a strong lead performance by Bree Turner (who's supported by surprising turns from Ethan Embry and Angus Scrimm), the duo of Coscarelli and Lansdale create a pulpy and satisfying tale of survival that could have become one of the best features of the decade with more work.

#9 - Paranormal Activity
(2007, Dir. by Oren Peli.)
I know it's not cool to like Paranormal Activity, and I suppose I'll lose some horror cred listing this as high as I am.  (In fact, I'm listing it ahead of the likes of Let The Right One In and Shaun of the Dead, just so we're clear.)

Even though Micah's the world's biggest d-hole.

Here's the deal: If I'm gauging horror movies based on how much they've made me scared to go asleep at night...well, then this one takes the cake.  Nothing I've seen over the last decade has made me crawl to the back of my seat like an in theater viewing of Paranormal Activity did.  Looking back, I can see the flaws and the tricks and how silly the whole thing is...but that feeling it gave me the first night is what every horror movie should long for.  I've got nothing but respect for this film.

#8 - Martyrs
(2008, Dir. by Pascal Laugier.)
If Paranormal Activity is the film that sent the most chills up my spine, then Martyrs is one of two films that twisted the most knots in my stomach. (More on the other film later.)

No barfing in an open wound, please.

I've only convinced myself to watch the film once - I feel like it might move up higher if I let it sink in again - but I couldn't deny a film like this a spot on this list.  Martyrs is a horror film with the rarest talent for balancing violence and intrigue, and Laugier uses blood to paint some shocking, yet beautiful scenes.  I'm still not sure exactly what Martyrs is, but I am sure it's one of the most tenacious horror films I've ever seen.

#7 - The Mist
(2007, Dir. by Frank Darabont.)
It had been a long time since teenage Mike cast his own film adaptation of The Mist in his mind. He put Kurt Russell in the lead, a blonde Ashley Judd as his wife (Remember when she was blonde? Rowwr.), John Goodman as the cranky neighbor, Oliver Platt as the store manager, and Neve Campbell as the young, store-bound love interest.  I'll be honest: I kind of love young The Mike's brain casting.  HOWEVER, Frank Darabont's take on The Mist worked out OK too.

Thomas Jane is the evolution of Kurt Russell. In other words, he rocks it.

In fact, I could only have been happier with Darabont's film had he kept the book's ending and not gone for the most shocking ending humanly possible.  I'm not saying the ending doesn't work - it literally left me speechless on that Thanksgiving Eve 2007 release night - but it doesn't fit the theme I remember the book ending on at all.  But hey, if that's the only complaint I have about a movie that I dreamt of for a decade, that's a major horror win.

#6 - [REC]
(2007, Dir. by Jaume Baleguero & Paco Plaza.)
Found Footage horror isn't specific to this decade, but it's certainly come into its own in the hands of independent filmmakers.  Paranormal Activity, The Last Exorcism and others have brought the idea of horror filmed by characters to us - but the best example of the genre since The Blair Witch Project hit screens is most likely the Spanish import [REC].

The 2000s were a big decade for overweight old woman "zombies".

The inspiration for vapid American remake Quarantine, REC packs a lot of action into less than 80 minutes, giving us chills and thrills at breakneck speeds.  This real time horror at its finest, complete with a couple of smart turns and a chilling finale that set things up for a surprisingly good sequel.

#5 - Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
(2006, Dir. by Scott Glosserman.)
Honestly, this might be my second favorite slasher film of....well, ever.  A decade after Scream hit screens, Behind the Mask took us just there, putting cameras on a likeable young man named Leslie Vernon - who dreams of following in the footsteps of great killers like Michael, Jason, and Freddy.

Unfortunately, Leslie didn't want to be the first slasher without disheveled hair.

Behind the Mask takes a comedic approach to horror, but it also does a fine job of keeping the viewer on edge with the kind of twists and iconic imagery you'd expect from a slasher spoof.  At the same time, Behind the Mask provides a fresh perspective and is a true crowd pleaser all the way through the final credits.

#4 - Inside
(2007, Dir. by Alexandre Bustillo & Julien Maury)

Pregnancy has had a place in horror since Rosemary's Baby, but I'm pretty sure no film has ever attacked an expecting mother quite like this French shocker did.  To say this is one of the most brutal films I've ever seen is an understatement, as I think only Martyrs can top its brand of artistic arterial spray.

I can't even make a joke about scissors and unborn children. That just ain't cool.

With Beatrice Dalle portraying one of the scariest women ever put on film, Inside offers chills early and follows the early tension with various attacks that push the envelope, leading up to the finale we knew was coming...but could never have been prepared for.  This - along with the next two films - was a serious candidate for the top spot on this list, but I have to settle for placing it at 4. Now I just hope that "La Femme" isn't too mad at me.

#3 - Dog Soldiers
(2002, Dir. by Neil Marshall.)
If it's action horror that you crave, I'm not sure there are many films since Predator that do it better than Dog Soldiers.  Neil Marshall's debut is a fresh take on the werewolf, and offers some of the most a$$-kickingest heroes the decade saw on screen.

Man, this guy really let himself go to the dogs.

With Kevin McKidd and Sean Pertwee in command, the film becomes both a siege film and a monster film - think Assault on Precinct 13 meets The Howling - and Marshall's direction keeps everything tight and interesting as he moves through the film.  There are few scares to be had, but that doesn't make the film any less fun or any less impressive.  And the practical werewolf effects are awe inspiring too.

#2 - Bubba Ho-Tep
(2002, Dir. by Don Coscarelli.)
It's Coscarelli and Lansdale, back again, now in the Top 2 of the list.  While Incident On and Off a Mountain Road was about a young woman who must survive, Bubba Ho-Tep brings us an old man - who just happens to be Elvis - who fights to survive in a much different way.

The rumors are true - Cleopatra does the nasty.

Bruce Campbell takes the lead as The King, and I think this is by far the best performance of his career.  The film knows just how to even out the comedy and drama of Elvis' predicament, which leads to some surprisingly powerful scenes and inner monologues ending up on screen.  Many have called Bubba Ho-Tep "weird" due to its attention toward its characters (including Ossie Davis as JFK, who's "thinking with sand") but I think that attention to character makes it one of the best films of the last decade.

#1 - The House of the Devil
(2009, Dir. by Ti West.)
I occasionally find myself craving this film as I would a pizza.  It might not be the scariest, tensest, funniest, touchingest, action-packedest, or any other "est" horror film of these 10 years, but it most definitely has the best conjunction of all the factors that I think make a horror movie great.

Man, old people get frisky when there's an eclipse. Gross.

Ti West's "slow-burn" horror moves at a snail's pace, but I've never found that an issue with the film.  This is a deliberate tale of terror that owes a lot to a slower time in horror, and The House of the Devil never once loses its focus on what it wants to do to the viewer.  This is an old-fashioned film with great characters, effective music, superb camera work and some wonderful shocks that I can turn to any time.  To me, that makes it a relatively easy choice for #1 on our list, even though I love all these movies dearly.

I suspect that the order of this list and/or the status of some films vs. the honorable mentions could change tomorrow, but tonight these are the 10 films I've got faith in from the last 10 years.  Thoughts? Comments? You know what to do. And don't forget to go back to the top and click on Marvin's banner for MORE LISTS!  I know my Midnight Warriors can't refuse that!

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

(2011, Dir. by Rupert Wyatt.)

If you're like me, you probably thought there wasn't possibly a good reason for another Planet of the Apes movie.  In fact, I'm willing to bet that at least 90% of the things on the internet talking about this movie have already made this point (Go look them up and check my math, I'll wait here).  There aren't many films that have been as thoroughly pillaged as the 1968 classic that featured one of Charlton Heston's most famous meltdowns. (BTW, do you know how I know Chuck Heston's awesome? Because you have to consider this as ONLY ONE of his most famous meltdowns.) That film spawned four sequels, a live action TV series, an animated TV series, a musical version (OK, it was just on The Simpsons, but I'm counting it), and - most recently - an ill-fated 2001 remake that is probably still the low point of Tim Burton's career.  And yet, here we are in the year 2011, looking at another Apes film - this time a prequel - and....well, and I'm here to tell you why it's one of the better films I've seen this year.

The newest ape film - Rise of the Planet of the Apes - is (SPOILER ALERT) set on the planet Earth, and takes us back to the beginning of this whole Apes saga.  I must admit that I'm not too familiar with the films and shows that followed the original Planet of the Apes, so I'm not sure if a backstory as to how the apes took over Earth existed previously, but I can tell you that director Rupert Wyatt is certainly starting his story from formula.  In fact, the film begins with a scientist (James Franco) suggesting that a new drug his company has been testing on chimpanzees holds the cure to Alzheimer's Disease.  This is great in theory, but there are minor kinks in the system - like the test ape going crazy, attacking dozens of people, and ending up shot dead on the middle of the conference room table.  But the aftermath of the catastrophe reveals an unexpected surprise - this ape was simply protecting her newborn child.  With the rest of the test animals disposed of, Franco's character is forced to take the day-old chimp home to save its life.

When he arrives home, the baby ape quickly becomes a fixture in the household. What follows is a long - we're talking half the movie here, at least - recollection of the lives of our scientist, his Alzheimer's stricken father (John Lithgow), and the ape, which they name Caesar.  Caesar has inherited many rare traits from his late mother, and the film breezes through major breakthroughs and revelations that span across the first eight years of Caesar's life (including the addition of a love interest for Franco, played by Slumdog Millionaire's Freida Pinto). 

A lot of this seems a little like one of those superhero "origin stories" we're so used to in our summer fare this decade, but top notch effects and many breaks with the human characters keep the film feeling fresh.  There is real human drama going on here - particularly between Franco and Lithgow, two Oscar nominees who add credibility to the film by comfortably sliding into their roles - and it wasn't long before I stopped pausing when a computer-generated ape shows up in the middle of these characters' lives.  The film is incredibly balanced during these developmental scenes, and very little of what we see (except perhaps the addition of Pinto) feels like filler.

Of course, people have never really chosen Planet of the Apes films/shows because they want to see the humans and apes coexist.  Rest assured, the film builds to an action-filled final act which features top notch special effects and plenty of tense, well-framed destruction and carnage.  The Golden Gate Bridge becomes the scene of the film's biggest battle (some have called this a throwback to a different Heston film with something red and a sea), as Caesar leads the apes against the humans.  The CGI is pretty seamless when these battles begin, and the motion capture techniques - with actor Andy Serkis bringing Caesar to life the same way he brought forth Gollum and King Kong - make it incredibly easy for the audience to relate to the primates on screen. 

Of course, there has to be something to get us from "childish ape in a Harry and the Hendersons-esque setting" to "the humans are our enemy", and it's this middle section of the film that really sells the film to me.  I don't want to go too far into detail about what occurs here - first of all it would spoil some of the turns, second of all it was pretty complex and I'm not sure I could relay all the details anyway - but the point must be made that we can see the "other side" of humanity that isn't represented by polite Oscar nominees.  Caesar comes into contact with a few relatively despicable humans - ranging from good actors like Brian Cox and David Hewlett to bad actors like Harry Potter co-star Tom Felton (Felton's performance is easily the film's biggest flaw, and - worst of all - he blunders the biggest wink toward the original film) - and the film sets us up to understand just this planet became the property of the Apes as Caesar witnesses the treatment he and his kind receive from mankind.

What's most interesting about Rise of the Planet of the Apes is that the film never really makes the viewer pick a side.  Caesar is shown in a sympathetic light for most of the film, but also becomes a violent rebel leader as things start to work against him.  Franco's character bends over backwards to help save and protect Caesar, but has his own flaws in his approach to the situation.  By not spelling out what the viewer should feel - you'll get no proclamations that all humans or all apes are bad here - Wyatt (assisted by writers Rick Jaffa & Amanda Silver) empowers us to watch the film's events as an unbiased observer.  There are no real good guys or bad guys here - except Felton, who sucks - and no short cuts are taken to dumb the film down for all audiences.

In the end, Rise of the Planet of the Apes is spectacle at its most spectacular.  There are few flaws across the board, as all elements of the film (except Felton's forced manliness) come together to create a satisfying adventure that honors the original film in its own way.  There's a lot crammed into the film's brisk 105 minutes, but I would have been perfectly fine with the film running a bit longer to flesh out more of Caesar and company's story.  However improbable it may seem, Rise of the Planet of the Apes has breathed a new life into a once extinct franchise - and it's also one of the most satisfying sci-fi films in recent memory.

Midnight Movie of the Week #83 - The People Under The Stairs

It's taken me a long time to get to this point I'm at right now; the point at which I finally make sense of my feelings regarding The People Under The Stairs.  I remember the film becoming a staple of my middle school years in the early '90s, but I never remembered really caring that much about what the movie itself actually was.  Like The Blob and Clownhouse before it, this was a movie that I watched specifically because it was a "scary" movie, and I didn't really take much time to think about why I liked it so much it.  I knew that it was the kind of movie I wanted to like - I just didn't know why.

The problem is, I never really stopped to think about it after its initial run in the household ended.  I remember being stoked due to nostalgia when it hit DVD, and I snatched up a copy and watched it with another decade under my belt...but the movie kind of slipped away from me again.  So now I'm here - 20 years after the movie was first released - and there's only one word going through my head to explain the whole situation.

Fool.

That's right, fool.  And I don't mean fool as in "Hey, The Mike, you were a fool for forgetting how much you enjoyed The People Under The Stairs" - I mean fool as in Fool, the film's 13 year old hero.

Fool - who must figure that his nickname is less insulting than his real name (Poindexter) - joins his mother's friend Leroy (Ving Rhames in da house!!!!!) in an attempt to rob the rich landlords who are evicting them from their apartment.  But things get hairy pretty quickly, as Leroy and his accomplice are killed by the man and woman who own the home (Everett McGill and Wendy Robie), leaving Fool to uncover the secrets of the old house and those who live in it.  

The film quickly establishes just how crazy these people are (If a full body leather BDSM suit doesn't scream "dysfunctional", I don't know what does!) which means that Fool is quickly thrown into the role of survivor.  The character sees the craziness around him, but this kid from "the ghetto" rarely blinks in the face of adversity.  Director (and old friend of FMWL) Wes Craven is making a statement about the resolve of the people who live in this low income neighborhood throughout the film, and Fool quickly becomes an honest to goodness hero who represents his people.

Though Brandon Adams - who would go on to co-star in kid sport flicks The Sandlot and The Mighty Ducks - stars, the role of Fool seems like one that would be written for someone like Bruce Willis.  In fact, Fool is kind of a early teen version of John McClane, using his surroundings to maneuver around the diabolical couple with the help of their abused daughter (future Escape from L.A. co-star AJ Langer) and one of their sons, Roach (Sean Whalen, most famous to me for that Aaron Burr/peanut butter/milk commercial directed by Michael Bay).  Roach is not the only son, of course, because there's still those pesky folks under the stairs to deal with.

Truthfully, there are times that I forget there are people under the stairs in The People Under the Stairs.  That sounds like a problem - generally the title characters of your horror movie should matter in the plot - but the battle between Fool and the ridiculously over the top couple is so much fun that I don't even care that we only get random glances of the creatures that look so menacing. As part of my repeated forgettings of the film, I even forgot what exactly these pale savages were.  I think there was a part of my brain that thought they were zombies, which is just quite wrong.

In my heart, I can't stop wondering why us horror fans don't talk about The People Under The Stairs more often.  My brain knows that it's not really scary and the plot is scattered all over the place and it's kind of over-the-top, but reuniting with it has me convinced that we all underestimate this one too much.  The bottom line for me is that this is a dark adventure with a unique story and one heckuva hero - even if he is a 13 year-old kid from the ghetto.  Craven has never made a film that didn't have a few lulls and some poor choices in the plot, but I think The People Under the Stairs is probably the film from him that leaves me most satisfied.

So yeah, maybe this isn't an all around horror classic but - for the third straight decade - I can't help feeling like it's a friggin' blast to watch.  I suppose it's not the most substantial Midnight Movie of the Week I've ever picked, but I'm darn glad that I'm finally putting some thoughts on this one to (cyber) paper, because I don't want to forget about it again.  Fool, wherever you are, I salute you. You're one of the true heroes in horror history, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

C.H.U.D. II: Bud The Chud

(1989, Dir. by David Irving.)

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS.  Repressed memories are a real thing after all.  How do I know this, you ask?  Well, I know this because tonight, in a random bit of spontaneous ridiculousness, I decided that it had been far too long since I'd seen C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud.  So, I dug up my VHS copy of the film - I have like 20 VHS tapes left...and this is one of them? - kickstarted the ol' TV/VCR combo which only gets used when I feel like I need to record Packers games, and let C.H.U.D. II happen to me for the first time in like ten years.  And it wasn't long before I realized just how much I - in some sick and wrong way - was influenced by this ridiculous pseudo-sequel to one of my favorite '80s horrors.  Like, I had blocked out almost all of the silly plot points, almost all of the awful dialogue that I used to joke about and...well, almost everything about the movie.  It was all lost, somewhere in my mind, because the DVD era happened and no one ever saw fit to release C.H.U.D. II on DVD in America.  But, as I watched the film unfold....well, let's just let my main man Meat Loaf explain how I felt about meeting C.H.U.D. II again.....

Yeah, I'm throwing the Loaf at C.H.U.D. II, because I can't help feeling that this film was more important to young nerd Mike than I remembered it being.  But before you think I'm absolutely crazy, let me explain myself.  Please.  If nothing else, I've earned this much with the Loaf. (Unless you don't like Loaf, in which case you can go read some crappier blog right the heck now.  There's no choice involved here, FMWL is a 100% Pro-Loaf blog.)

C.H.U.D. II connects to its predecessor only through its name and a few mentions of the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers that filled that film's subterranean landscapes.  After a military opening in which an officer played by Robert Vaughn - who in my mind is playing the same character he did in the last season of The A-Team - discusses the end of the government's experiments in Chudism (that's a real word used in the movie, folks), we meet the last Chud, who bears little resemblance to his green skinned, yellow-eyed forefathers.

That C.H.U.D. is of course Bud, the title character who is played by notorious awesome dude Gerrit Graham.  Graham is probably most known for playing the hysterical rock opera diva Beef in Brian De Palma's Phantom of the Paradise (at least in my world he is), but he also made a decent career of appearing in ridiculous and/or awesome films, including - but not limited to - Chopping Mall, Demon Seed, Used Cars (opposite Kurt Russell!), The Man With One Red Shoe, and Child's Play 2.  Oh, and last but not least, Graham also showed up - in a gorilla suit - in another infamous sequel to a Mike favorite: BEWARE! THE BLOB.  So yeah...he's pretty awesome.

Graham is quite literally the heart of C.H.U.D. II - if you could even accuse the film of having one - as his physical presence as the Frankenstein-ish zombie (whose appearance also borrows a bit from Day of the Dead's Bub the Zombie) is basically the film's only effective punchline.  Seeing the actor ramble about while peeking in windows at women doing aerobics or picking up trick or treaters to determine whether or not they'd make a good snack is good for a few chuckles - mostly out of embarrassment for him being stuck in this film - and he also adds a little bit of drama at the end of the film with a gesture that reminds of ill-fated monsters like Frankenstein's creation.  Graham certainly is one part of the film I don't want to fault - even if his performance is at times overly silly, because he seems to be having a lot of fun despite the film he's in.

The rest of the film is, to be honest, kind of pitiful.  All the major plot points seem derivative of better films from the era like The Return of the Living Dead and Night of the Creeps, and the film does little to make the viewer think there's anything worth caring about in its simple, derivative plot.  The characters, led by a trio of teens and supported by small town stereotypes and the normal scientists/military folk you'd expect, have no depth, and almost all of the dialogue in the movie consists of one-liners or off-hand jokes.  I'm not exaggerating here - literally every scene features two to four intended bits of silly humor, ranging from references to beer commercials (two CHUDs chirping "Tastes Great! Less Filling" before heading into a bar) to random arguments that no real humans would have.  This is perhaps most evident from the conversations between our teen characters' parents, who seem to have been the inspiration for the awful comedy relief parents in Michael Bay's Transformers films. (To be fair, I did actually laugh when the father told his wife that his mother never used beauty products and the mother retorted "Your mother looked like Humphrey Bogart!")

So, with awful humor stinking up the film, no connection to the serious but fun original, and no interesting characters, you'd assume that the film at least has violence and gore to offer horror fans, right?  WRONG.  Next to no gore occurs on screen, little blood is shed, and most of the CHUDs look like they walked out of the Thriller music video.

And yet, all of C.H.U.D. II's missteps - which I'm quite aware are horrible missteps - kind of thrilled me again tonight.  I often claim that I don't believe in guilty pleasures, but in the case of this film...I'm not so sure anymore.  There's so much wrong with it - really, sooooo much wrong - but I can't help feeling charmed by its attempts to recreate everything the teen horrors of the '80s represented, even as it fails miserably.  From the opening hospital hijinks to the end credits and their '80s style theme song, I kinda get suckered in to C.H.U.D. II.  I know its bad - Heck, I think I know it's terrible - but I'm ridiculously glad I decided to watch it again. 

So, if you're feeling frisky - This Chud's for you! (Yes, that's an actual line from the film.)  I can't recommend it - because it's an awful, awful movie - but I kind of want to anyway.  Just go to You Tube, look up Bud The Chud, and you will see what I mean.

Or, maybe you won't.  But at least we'll still have The Loaf.

"So You Want To Be A Monster?" Episode 2 - Jerry Dandrige

I believe it was an '80s musician who once said "When the iron's hot, you must whip it."  (He also accused me of mixing up my quotes, but I deny any knowledge of such things.)  The point? Well, the point is that I had so much fun with Episode 1 of "So You Want To Be A Monster?" last week that I just had to do it again.  And, with a remake on its way, I couldn't think of a better contestant to invite to the show than THIS GUY.  (Also, Morgan of The Kid In The Hall recommended him, so there's that too.)

Jerry Dandrige

As played by Chris Sarandon in Fright Night.

Let's learn a little more about our contestant!
His youth is a bit of a mystery, but when creature of the night Jerry Dandrige hits the town in the '80s - what music he makes.  Accompanied by his manservant Billy - who looks like what would happen if Kevin Bacon was dipped in radioactive sleaze - and an impressive array of sweaters and scarves, Jerry Dandrige finds horror films amusing and has an appetite for women who look like this.

Oh, and he's a suave vampire, mofos.

The Criteria:

Each contestant will be given a score of 1-4 (1 being Not Monstrous, 4 being Incredibly Monstrous) on five core traits that could define any monster.  The total of all five ratings will be added up and turned into a percentage to form the contestant's "Monster Rating", which will show us just how much of a monster they really are.  A Monster Rating of 80 or above is fantastic, a Monster rating of 60 or above is solid, and anything under 60 means that monster might have some glaring weaknesses.

Monster Rating Category 1: Physical Prowess
It's kind of hard to gauge Jerry Dandrige's physical prowess.  I mean, on the one hand there's his physical prowess...and on the other hand there's his *wink wink nudge nudge* physical prowess.  I mean, this was the '80s, and Chris Sarandon - for whatever reason - was kind of what a sexy '80s vampire was supposed to be.  I don't get it, mostly because I'm a heterosexual male, but it must be stated.  And, while much of the film is about his physical prowess - like when he lifts heroic teenager Charlie up by the throat with one hand and rips a nailed shut window open with the other - a very large portion of the film is about that *wink wink nudge nudge* side of the character. The film doesn't work if Jerry isn't able to crush Charlie's awkward attempts at sexuality just as much as he can crush him physically - and in that regard I'd say Jerry Dandrige gets a Totally Monstrous rating that's worth 3 points.

Monster Rating Category 2: Destructive Capabilities
I already mentioned that Jerry's physical strength has its upside, considering his ability to rip nails from wood, though it is possible that little Charlie Brewster isn't the best with a hammer.  That said, I have to give Jerry a little bit of a critique here.  I mean, he spends a lot of the movie overpowering people - and his psychological ability to manipulate others is a bit destructive - but I can't help feeling that his opponents hurt my ability to call him truly destructive. I mean, he's taking on a teenage nerd, a past his prime faux-Cushing, and Marcy Darcy from Married With Children...and he still doesn't dominate his foes, even with a creepy manservant that turns into goo.  I'm just not sure what to think there, so I'm gonna have to bump his rating in this category down to Partially Monstrous, which is worth 2 points for his score.

Monster Rating Category 3: Psychology & Motivation
Man, I keep tipping my hat to the next category, don't I?  Well, I'm just that excited, because I think this is where Jerry Dandrige really shines.  I mean, we know he's not a traditional monster - he's not scary looking most of the time and he's somehow less villainous than he was in The Princess Bride (HUMPERDINK!), but Jerry Dandrige works because you get the constant feeling that he's smarter than everyone else.  Worse, we start to realize over time that he's smarter than everyone else because he has some sort of ability to control people.  And that scene with him using his powers to win over Evil Ed? SO INCREDIBLY SAD.  In fact, Evil Ed is one of the most tragic horror characters ever.  I'm gonna write about that some day.  But right now, I'll just say that Jerry Dandrige's psyche - even if his grand goal is to get with Marcy Darcy, who's gross - creeps me the heck out.  It's Incredibly Monstrous, and worth 4 points.

Monster Rating Category 4: Good Ol' Creepiness
We've established that Jerry has a mental edge that goes along with the standard vampire physical power that you'd expect, but is he really that creepy?  Well, that kinda depends on how you're looking at the dude.  Is he as unsettling as Bela Lugosi? Nah.  Is he as unpredictable as The Lost Boys? Nope.  Is he as dominating as Christopher Lee? Not really.  From some standpoints, you could look at Jerry Dandrige and go - "Man, he's just a guy...in some funky clothes" - and you'd be right.

However, I do think there's something creepy about just how normal Jerry seems, even while we know that he's got some severe vampire issues.  I mean, the guy seems like your normal Chris Sarandon next door, but....we know he's not.  And I guess that's the only thing I really find creepy about Jerry Dandrige, which isn't much more than Partially Monstrous.  I'd say it's worth 2 points.

Monster Rating Category 5: External Factors
I've spent a lot of time talking about why Jerry Dandrige works as a vampire - because in general I do think the character works really well - but I'd be ashamed if I didn't reward him based on a couple of things I haven't fully covered.  Let's get bullet style!

• Firstly, Jerry Dandrige knows how to pick the right allies for his evil game.  Billy, that sleazy manservant, is a perfect example of this.  Jerry could have went out and got an Igor or a Renfield, but instead he got the human equivalent of a Hound of Hell, who always has his eyes open for danger and who has a pretty good bark for scaring teenage kids away while the master sleeps.
• Secondly, Jerry Dandrige picks good snacks.  Any red-blooded male knows that the female victims in horror films are generally far more interesting (read as: attractive) than the survivor girls (I keep harping on this, but Marcy Darcy? Really?).  In the case of Fright Night, let's just say that Jerry's short haired prostitute victims are pretty much the best kind of prostitute victims there are.

And there's also the '80s factor, which makes Jerry just a bit cooler than he should be.  Add all this up, and I'd say the external factors around Jerry - when you consider the time in which the film was made - are Incredibly Monstrous.  4 Points.

The Monster Rating: 

 2 Partially Monstrous ratings (2 points each); 1 Totally Monstrous rating (3 points each) and 2 Incredibly Monstrous ratings (4 points each) - for a total score of 15.  When divided by the total amount of points possible (20), we find that..... 

Jerry Dandrige has a Monster Rating of 75

What It Means:
I might be overrating Jerry Dandrige slightly because of how much I totally love Fright Night, but he's just such a unique presence in the vampire scene. We sometimes forget his physical strength because he's so busy using his psychological and sexual charms to seem so suave, yet I don't think he's simply the '80s answer to Lugosi or Lee. There's nothing derivative about the character - just like the film - and I think that's why my ratings of Jerry Dandrige are so positive. I mean, can you think of anyone else you'd rather see face off with the great Peter Vincent? Well, OK, I'll give you The Blob. But after that, no one.