Today's Things: The "Manborgs, Vampires, and Twins" Edition

You guys, I'm tired of being boring. I feel like 2013 has been one big long boring year here at FMWL. And that sucks. I could make a bunch of excuses - work sucks, writing about horror movies four days a week exhausts a lot of topics, I'm just lazy - but none of them would actually matter. It's not why I don't do things that's important, it's that I do something about it.

Totally unrelated, yet important, checklist.

When thinking about my own writing and what the heck I'm doing, I came to a realization. I love writing reviews and being as serious as I can be (which isn't that serious, but that's beside the point), but the most fun I've ever had writing about movies - save a few of my favorite posts here at FMWL - was more than ten years ago when a friend asked me to write a DVD column on his site and I turned it into a random series of thoughts that I slapped together off the top of my head while doing what I call "winging it." It wasn't high art and it wasn't always important, but it was carefree and fun and it always put a smile on my face. And, as you might have guessed, that's what I'm doing right now.

That's not to say I plan on getting rid of reviews or the Midnight Movie of the Week or any of the other stuff I do when I'm feeling inspired. But there are so many times when I just want to put some thoughts out there and I get caught up in the how and the what and then I'm like HEY THE MIKE JUST FREAKING TYPE IT. So that will be what I do every once in a while in posts like this one, which will carry the simple title "Today's Things."

(Yes, I thought of that name all by myself. I'm a gosh darn Einstein.)

(Oh, and I might ramble on a bit here. Just roll with it. Or go read something else. Your move, creep.)

Thing I'm Loving on Blu-Ray

I'm not sure if I've said it enough over the last year, but Shout Factory's horror centric new wing, Scream Factory, is one of the best things to happen to horror fans in ages.  Case in point: This week's release of the R-rated Hammer Films offering The Vampire Lovers. Released in 1970, this Dracula-less film is a showcase for the voluptuous and talented Ingrid Pitt, a horror star who must be seen by all fans of romantic vampire tales.

While the film itself is not one of Hammer's best offerings, it stands up as a nice adaptation of the classic tale of Carmilla, which predated Bram Stoker's Dracula and pretty much invented the lesbian vampire stereotype that became a staple of European horror in this era. Pitt is the primary reason to check the film out, and its use of nudity and sexuality - while mild by modern standards - is out of character and risque for hammer. Advertising for the film that has been reproduced (twice on the blu-ray packaging and once as an on-disc disclaimer) boldly states "Not for the mentally immature!", which to me seems like a reminder that there's artful desires behind this surprising film.

(By the way, I always give a movie extra kudos if a villain uses a fake name that is an acronym of their infamous name. Here we get Carmilla pretending to be someone named Mircalla, and me smiling a lot due to this fact.)

As has been the case for most of their releases, Scream Factory put a lot of effort into this release.  The blu-ray package (unlike many of their releases, this is NOT a blu/DVD combo pack) offers plenty of extras - I'm stoked to see the commentary by director Roy Ward Baker, even though I'm pretty sure it's carried over from the old DVD release - and the price is even a bit lower than most of the other Scream Factory titles. Fans of Hammer or European vampire flicks of the '70s should definitely find this one.

Thing That's Not Horror That I'm Watching While Writing

Broken Arrow. Look, I know there's a good John Woo and a bad John Woo, and I know that this is bad John Woo. But I still find a lot of enjoyment in just how ridiculously macho this showdown between John Travolta and Christian Slater - neither of whom are often charged with being ridiculously macho - is. There was a place and a time in the '90s when this was comfort cinema to me, and it's still welcome now - it's just not welcome as often

Bonus points for Samantha Mathis. Redheads, man.

 (By the way, I dog on the '90s all the time - but I gotta admit they've grown on me. I even like a lot of '90s music now! And I even hated '90s music then. Today a teenager I know called Pearl Jam classic rock and it took every ounce of my being to stop me from shouting "WHOA YOU JUST BACK THE FRAK UP!" and going on a rant. Restraint - Thy name is Mike.)

So yeah, Bad John Woo still has its moments. Unless it's Mission Impossible II. Then it just makes me sad.

Thing I'm Not Sure About Yet, But Which Makes Me Chuckle

When a movie's called Manborg, I take notice. And production crew Astron-6 already had my attention thanks to Father's Day, one of the most obscene and ridiculous (and also fun) movies released in 2012.  But Father's Day was one of those movies that I never managed to write a review of, because it's just kind of difficult to piece together a legitimate commentary on such a random movie. You know how sometimes you see something bizarre and you're like "Well...that happened." and you know you had fun but all attempts to explain why you had fun don't make sense?  That's where I was at when I saw Father's Day.

That's kind of where I'm at after Manborg too, although it's a different kind of feeling this time. Manborg - the tale of a man who is reincarnated as a cyborg, naturally - is a more cartoonish and less vulgar animal than Astron-6's first film. It's still bloody and gory and inappropriate in its own ways, but it's more playful and maybe even more fun than Father's Day was. Maybe. I'm not really sure. Father's Day was more...ummmm....artistic? Maybe? Heck, I don't know. The point is that explanations of Astron-6 films are really pointless - if you like low-budget retro/grindhouse goofiness, these movies are for you. If you don't, you'll hate 'em. Regardless of your opinion, in ten years we'll be talking about Astron-6 the same way we talk about Troma films now.

Back to Manborg - I might review it soon, but I'm not sure that review will make much sense. I will say that Mina - the blue-haired anime-inspired heroine - and #1 Man - the poorly dubbed martial arts expert who's presumably from the far east - had me cackling all the time and made the 72 minute film worthwhile. That might be all I need to say for a review, actually. Let's move on...or you could watch the Manborg trailer and catch up with me in a minute.

Thing That's A Random Rant

Those of you who know me or follow me into the social media world probably know that I'm a pretty big sports fan at times. And I was randomly thinking about horror movies today and how lots of horror movies promote lots of stereotypes and I was surprised by how I never thought a lot about athletes in horror movies.

The catch, of course, is that horror movies don't often give us much to think about when a character is written as an athlete. For starters, "idiot male who womanizes often" is often synonymous with "football player" in horror scripts, a distinction that is occasionally deserved but a bit of an oversimplification. I mean, I was a teenage football player, but I still learned how to read and write and how to not treat women like objects and how to never have a girlfriend - all of which are completely the opposite of what we see from "athletes" in horror movies.  I am not the norm, and I'm proud of that, but I really don't think that the type of football guy shown in these movies is the norm either.

I always assumed this guy died because of his hairstyle.

But hey, let's leave football out of this right now. Why is that always the example? Where's the hockey players and the basketball players and the golfers? And where are all the female athletes? American schools have laws which require equal amounts of sports programs for males and females, but how often does a female character in a horror movie mention their sports experience? Now, there are naturally some outliers - would you believe that PIECES, which features a character who's a female tennis star, is one of the more progressive horror movies in this regard???? - but I'm struggling to pull them off the top of my head.  In fact, this topic might require more thought and its own post.

What say you, dear readers? Got any examples of athletes in horror that stick out to you? Have similar complaints about this stereotype or similar stereotypes in horror films? I know it's one of the least important ones out there - we should probably deal with how terrible women get treated in slasher films before we focus on football stars - but it's something that caught my attention and inspired me to ponder.  What do you think?

Thing That's A Random Shout Out

Belated happy birthday to Jen and Sylvia Soska, better known as the Twisted Twins, who celebrated a birthday on Monday. They were the team behind Dead Hooker in a Trunk, which was one of the first indie horror films I reviewed for this site and a goofy favorite that still makes me laugh.  Their follow-up, American Mary, will make its US debut on home video in June, and if you don't think I've got that pre-ordered than you don't think my name is The Mike. Can't wait to see what these talented ladies have up their sleeve next!

Thing At The End

Coming soon to FMWL - William Friedkin's new memoir, a yet-to-be-named Midnight Movie of the Week, and a review of the Guillermo Del Toro produced Mama on blu-ray. Plus I've got a stack of Pam Grier DVDs sitting next to me that are just begging for some one on one time.  So, until next time, here's a thing from YouTube. Be well, Midnight Warriors!

Midnight Top Five - The "All-Time Horror Underdogs" Edition

It's been a slow month for FMWL, because The Mike's being beaten severely on a regular basis by his place of work these days.  I thought about coming home and hanging out with FMWL Friday night after a long day at said place of work, but I went against what I thought were my smarter thoughts and decided I'd spend an evening sitting outside in the cold to see my alma mater play a football game against the second best team in the nation. What followed looked a lot like this....

If you squint really hard you might see The Mike in there...

In nothing less than stunning fashion, my beloved Iowa State Cyclones defeated the previously undefeated Cowboys of Oklahoma State, a team loaded with professional prospects that was projected to play for the National Championship.  It sounds big when you put it that way, but believe me when I say that it's so much bigger than you think to us lifelong Iowa Staters.  We, as a collective fan base, have been raised to never expect such a historic victory, have always known that our resources and recruits don't match up with our conference opponents, and sometimes can slip into a bit of disgust - that some of my friends would call "being a hater" - about our fortunes as a football program.  So for us to be the kings of the world for one night is pretty much the best thing that could ever happen to any of us as fans of such a historically mediocre program.

The thing that sometimes gets lost in the shuffle when juggernauts go down in sports is that the survivors who just fought for their lives despite their deficits are usually normal teams who no one expects anything from.  And sometimes, the same thing happens in horror movies.  Thus, I present to you a new Midnight Top Five, in which I'm gonna look at five of my favorite underdogs in horror history.  Let's do this!

Deputy/Sheriff Dewey Riley - The Scream Series

Dewey Riley was the most immediate thing that came to my mind when I tried to think of horror characters who remind me of my alma mater's football team.  Everyone underestimates Dewey, and most of the time he proves them right.  He's often in the wrong place at the wrong time - sort of like his whole relationship with that awful Gale Weathers, but that's a different story - he doesn't carry himself like a winner, and he is left for dead pretty much all the time.

Dewey's the forgotten man in the first two Scream films (most have said that he only survived the original because test audiences wanted him to), and his rise to power as Sheriff in the latest installment of the series had me fist pumping in joy.  He's still awkward - he's got the theme from Beverly Hills Cop as his ringtone in 2011! - and puts himself in some bad spots, but we love him anyway.  And he's shown that he's gonna keep surviving, and he makes me think that one of these days he could even pull the big upset and do something really right.

Something like winning the WCW Championship!

Suzy Bannion - Suspiria

You get the feeling that, in her homeland of America, Suzy Bannion is really good at what she does.  But when we get to see her dance in the Germanic setting of Suspiria, we realize pretty quickly that she's out of her element and up against forces that are a lot bigger than she is.  She doesn't fit in with the other dancers, she doesn't know what she's up against.  Like some of the biggest underdogs you'll find in sports, she's away from home and on the ropes.

Despite her surroundings, Suzy does her best to keep her head on straight.  Like any underdog who wants to survive the game, she sets out to first understand her opponent.  Her physical limitations are a secondary concern to her, because she needs information on how to defeat the evil forces around her before she can even compete with the dark forces of her academy.  And sometimes a smart opponent that's somewhat capable can take down something that's bigger and badder than them. It's what a lot of great upsets are made of.

Benjamin Franklin Fischer - The Legend of Hell House

A lot of times, people talk about college sports like they exist solely to make money.  According to some - mostly the advertisers who own the Bowl system and the administrators who get all the money from tens to hundreds of thousands flocking to their campuses - that's kind of true.  Here at ISU, we recently were terrified beyond belief that we were going to be without a conference in the near future - which would mean no money to pay for all the upgrades to our facilities that we'd already started to build.  Then again, there's another point that some of us argued - that our program would have a better chance of surviving if we weren't in this big money conference.

Enter Benjamin Fischer, played by Roddy McDowall, in The Legend of Hell House.  A meek and kind of terrified fellow, Benjamin is spending time in the titular house mostly because a) he survived it once before and b) he's being paid.  As such, you don't really expect him to give a strong showing, and when he does open himself up to the house he is abused badly.  But as the game between investigators and spirits continues through this haunted house classic, McDowall starts to reveal a chip on Fischer's shoulder. That makes him a dangerous man in the final act, and places the ghosts of Hell House on upset alert.

The Dream Warriors - A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

If we were making a list of people who are underestimated, both "teenagers" and "folks in loony bins" would probably show up on that list.  So when you put a bunch of teenagers in a loony bin (Is that not the PC term for it? OOPS.) up against a bully (who also kills people with knifey glove in their dreams), the oddsmakers are gonna be in favor of the bully.

Speaking of, it's worth noting how often us fans of underdogs feel like the favorites are bullies that are pushing us around.  In some cases it's true - any time Nebraska ever came to town I felt like I was being whipped with towels after gym class again - and that's a time when it's pretty hard for the underdogs to really feel like they can do anything right.  But when you can stand up and fend off that bully - whether it's shaped like Cornhuskers or Fred Kreuger - that's a time when you should be proud.  And that's why us horror fans should be proud of the Dream Warriors, because they at least fought back. They might not have all survived, but it's a win that some of them did.

Valentine McKee & Earl Bassett - Tremors

Like most good underdogs, we know from the start that no one expects much out of Val and Earl, two handymen whose handiness might be overshadowed by their carefree behavior and....well, for lack of a better term....redneck tendencies.  But it's quickly established that these two dudes are smarter than most people think, even if they don't present themselves as winners in that department.

And if you're wondering what the number one thing that can push an underdog to an upset over a dominating team or a trio of graboids, I have one word for you: teamwork.  It sounds like a cliche, and sometimes it is, but being on the same mental wavelength as the person you are forced to trust in a crisis situation is a recipe for unexpected success.  When something freaky happens and people think they have to adapt, it's often the people who can communicate effortlessly and who know each others' limitations that get the breaks that most observers would call "lucky".  Val and Earl win mega bonus points for how well they understand each other, which makes their heroism - which seems improbable to most onlookers - easy to understand.

As you can see, the traits that can make an underdog a winner - things like perseverance, intelligence, determination, and communication - can work just as well in horror films as they do in athletics.  Maybe there's not thousands of people storming to congratulate the characters who survive against all odds...but I think there should be.

Got your own favorite underdogs in horror?  Join the comments section below and give them the respect they deserve!  Like my beloved Cyclones' coach after their upset victory, I am so proud of all the great horror underdogs out there.

(Yeah, I'm posting that just because I'm still geeking out over this all. Deal with it.)

The Horrors of High School Football

Many of you know this - probably through previous posts or social networking sites - but the truth of the matter is that The Mike is a football brat.  Real football, that is. Y'know, the kind with pads and helmets and strategy - not the one where a bunch of dudes jog after a ball.  It's not my fault.  I was born where there was one thing that brought the people of my small town together, with a father who was an assistant coach of the team by the time I was 10.  I didn't have a choice - it's in my blood like a virus. And I'm proud of it.

Recently, I made the mistake of digging into Friday Night Lights, the TV version of the film version of the book version of what the people who romanticize high school football want us to believe high school football is.  It's got shiny people, shiny uniforms, shiny drama, and all that B.S. that might be what happens in the high school football world that people want us to believe in.  Here's the secret though - it's not what Hollywood wants us to believe in.  It's what the people who worship high school football want us to believe in.

Almost thirteen years after the fact, I'm still kind of convinced that high school football is one of the top five most horrifying things I've ever been a part of. There's family emergencies, the Packers losing to John Elway, getting an IV needle put in my hand, something I'm forgetting....and then high school football.  Now let's take a look at just why high school football still scares me.

The Puppet Master

The number one lesson that is taught to any youngster who wants to play football is that they need to fear their coach.  Not all their coaches have to be feared, but the head coach - well, he has to have the power to ruin your life.  He has to be able to have every male 14-18 year old male in the school at his bidding, and to have them at his bidding - they have to believe that going against him will destroy them.  He'll yell and scream and he'll threaten....but he has enough control to make bad things happen.  He's kind of like an evil Bela Lugosi or an evil Vincent Price....but he can make you run.  We're talking sprint until you puke run, all while you try to shout something like PRIDE as you gasp for your next breath.  And he will do it, and sometimes he will do it for no good reason.

Being a coaches son let me in on a little secret - the coach isn't as scary as he acts in real life.  He's not like the coach in Friday Night Lights or Varsity Blues. (Both horrible movies, BTW.)  He's more like Craig T. Nelson in Coach, just not as cool as Craig T. Nelson.  (And that's awesome, BTW.)  So the next time you kids think the coach is as scary as the coach wants you to think he is, remember how cool Craig T. Nelson is. (And now that I've let you in on this little secret...I'm a little afraid that Coach might show up and make me run tomorrow.)

The Golden Boy

Think about a slasher movie you like.  Now think about the character you like the least.  I'm willing to bet that at least half of you thought of the guy in the slasher movie who's got spiked hair, a varsity letter jacket, and who thinks he's God's gift to the world.  He's not the villain we're supposed to fear, but he becomes a villain simply because he's a We all hate that guy.  And that guy, who only makes the situation in that slasher movie worse, is a real guy that's on the high school football team.

The thing to know when it comes to this fool who is ignorant of the reality around him is that most of his teammates think he's a jerk too.  As a full-time member of the "meat squad"* during my high school tenure, one of the best memories from those sweaty days was the day when that jerk decided to take a play off.  Despite my slowness, fatness, and preoccupation with what movie I was gonna watch after the game on Friday night, I made him look foolish in that moment....and then Coach yelled at him for the next 10 minutes.  The point? In a horror movie - and on the football field - his foolish pride can make him dangerous.  On the football field someone's probably not gonna die when he screws up....but if he lets a punt get blocked, that's just as bad.

Letting a punt get blocked = Machete in your team's face.

* - If you don't know, the "Meat Squad" was the nickname given to the scout team, who were the daily meal offered to both the starting defense and the starting offense.  Consider me chopped liver.

The Ghosts

If you live in a small town and played high school football, it's quite possible that there was a ghost behind you for much of your life.  It might be your parent (I was lucky enough to have my ghost on the sideline with me), your sibling, or some other dude who played the same position years before.  There's a bar that's been set for you before you even step on the field, and people are going to remind you of it...or you're just gonna be paranoid about matching it if they don't.  Yes, I asked my dad all about how much he played and how many tackles he registered and how many games his teams won because I wanted to know about what things were like when he was a teen....but also because I wanted to know what I had to do to escape that ghost.

On the bright side, these aren't the kind of ghosts that require an exorcist or Roddy McDowell or some kind of seance.  Once you stop worrying about what other people think the ghosts can't affect you.  In most cases, like the case of my father and I, the results won't really matter to them.  Did I play all the time and make All-State and win a State Championship? Nope. Did I show up every day, do my best to help my team any way I could, and - most importantly - make myself and my father proud? Absolutely.  Be gone, ghosts of football past. You have no dominion over us.

(Oh, and along with the ghosts, there's also girls. Allegedly, girls like football players.  That's wicked scary.)

Mr. Hyde

If there's one thing that still scares me as I look back at my high school football days, it's my practice jersey.  The small piece of cloth that I wore over my shoulder pads for 12-15 weeks for four straight years had holes ripped in both shoulders and the lettering worn off.  Why? Because I - a generally mild mannered dude - decided that I needed to throw myself chest first at a bunch of people who wanted to smash me.  Every day. For four years.

That's not scary, per say. It's mostly stupid.  But the scary moments were the ones when I got caught up in the action and ended up doing things Mike would never do, like throwing a shoulder into a blocker after getting beat the previous play or getting penalized for unnecessary roughness when I flattened the opponent's "star" defender at the end of a play during a 41-14 blow out win - which led to me getting in an argument with the referee and getting pulled from the game while pumping my fist to the crowd.  I was ecstatic, because I had hurt someone I was told to hurt.  And that scares me.

We see those characters in football movies like The Replacements or The Longest Yard - but we also see them in horror all the time.  There's no drug that turns the normally timid into a bloodthirsty monster - except adrenaline.  And if you go into football with the "right" mindset - you're gonna become that monster.  And that coach who wants to prove he's scary....he's gonna like that.

The point of this all, which really doesn't relate to this blog too well, is this. If you're a high schooler who wants to play football - or who is expected to play football - there are gonna be some scary things that happen around you.  People are going to make it difficult on you, and you're gonna make it difficult on yourself.  People will try to control you.  People will put you in danger. People will pressure you. You will pressure yourself.  You might even scare yourself.  And those are just some of the scary parts of the high school football scene.

But hey, there are benefits too.  Looking back, I remember there were so many days that I wished I could just run away from all the horrors of what I'd chosen to be a part of.  Now that I'm older, there are times I miss those pressures and the opportunities to be the monster in a controlled setting that I was given.  Football's a fickle mistress, and if you're going to commit to it you need to be ready for the trouble that comes with it. 

And know that you will eventually - possibly because The Golden Boy screwed up, possibly because it was an off day for everyone - find yourself running ladders when team session goes bad.  Ladders are like the Cenobites of the football field - and your suffering will be legendary, even in Hell.

Now bring on football season!