A New Chapter in FMWL Awesomeness Begins!

(Note from The Mike: Y'all remember that scene in Armageddon, right? The one where that one dude says something that seems crazy and Billy Bob Thornton's like "He's the smartest dude in the world, I'd listen to him"? In reality, a fellow named Narcosleepy is to me as that dude (Jason Isaac, actually) was to Billy Bob - only I haven't even gotten to first base with Angelina. (Yet.) Narcosleepy is also a wicked cool dude who loves flicks like The Mist, Behind the Mask, and Triangle near as much as I do. He's my step brother from another mother, and he's gonna provide some posts at FMWL on occasion. Starting now. I'm proud to have him on board, and I'd listen to him if I were you.

Oh, and he likes to party.)

Close Encounters of the Horrific Kind

(A study in horror by Narcosleepy)

So…who am I? Well, I will tell you…I am some nerd who has been allowed the opportunity to give blogging a chance in your prestigious blogosphere. My goals are two-fold:: A) to party and B) to talk about, like, stuff. I add in this word “like” to add that special touch of informal class needed to maximize the main goal: A), to party.

But the big question is, why am I allowed to write about horror/sci-fi movies in the first place? This question has plagued most bloggers since the beginning of internet time. The only place to begin to answer this question is at the beginning of my story:

******A misty fog enters the room, and strange orchestral music floods the background. Somehow the lights dim.******

It all began when I was born in a village named Glenfinnan in the highlands of Scotland in 1518. Wait...that is Connor McLeod. I was born in a fairly liberal family, with an annoying sister and two chill parents. We grew up in one of those strange homes that had no cable or access to movies in general. In fact, the only movies I watched in the theater as a child were Honey I Shrunk the Kids and whatever Disney animated flick came out. Horror flicks were terribly foreign to my family. In fact, my parents quite possibly thought the word "horror" was a naughty word to describe a woman’s promiscuity.

Phase I - The Origin

One day when I was about 7 or 8, my cousins thought it would be hilarious to bust out Close Encounters of the Third Kind and take bets on whether I would crap my pants when confronted with the sheer magnitude of the horror ascribed to aliens coming to “get me.” This little nerd in the making lasted until the point when the little tyke gets abducted, whence maximum crappage occurred. Of course I am physically kidding, but I did have nightmares about it for weeks. My family banned all horror.

Phase II - Discovery of Awesomeness

Several years later, I had the great opportunity to watch Jaws. Yes, I realize I was like 10 when I finally saw it, I am indeed a noob-skillet. Spielberg’s movies are not considered horror films to most, but to me these movies heightened my senses to the possible, the uncontrollable, the intangible, and many other able’s/ible’s that invoke feelings of horror. After that, whenever I would swim in the water, I would fear a shark or shark-like fish coming up and nibbling on my toes. When I would ride in cars that had a moon roof, I would look up and fear a star suddenly moving toward me and snatching me up. These movies were horrific to me. But rather than bein' a little biatch about it, I decided to cowboy up... and eventually fell in love with the genre.

Phase III - Horror Pimpage

Here I am now, a nerd who is in love with the genres of horror and sci-fi and sci-fi horror and anything in between. I am fairly casual in the realm of watching flicks, unlike the awesome genius creator of this very blog who lives and breathes awesome movies. But with the help of great friends who've exposed me to fantastic horror movies, I have absolutely and whole heartedly fallen in love with horror.

I can’t point to a single reason as to why I suddenly like horror. In fact, everything about my personality would suggest that I would hate horror. My parents hated it, I often think too logically to accept the assumptions of horror movies, and I lack imagination - my background is deeply in numbers and research. So why in the balls do I like horror?

Horror gives me something no other genre can: a release from thinking. I watch a horror movie and I am engulfed by the world it creates; a world of differential physics, behaviors, and interactions. Everything I assume about reality is tested. What I ultimately fear in horror movies is the change in my perceptions of what I define as real. For example, take the classic: “oh balls, the villain is dead, all is cool…oh wait, he just sat up, run!” I make the assumptions the villain is indeed dead, and when he/she arises, I am both in a panic and pumped up. Horror taps into my "fight or flight" brain goodies, and how I normally think is put to bay.

At this point, everything I know no longer matters, and the only thing that does matter at that moment in time is that I am in a good chair/couch that can handle me sitting on the edge and have good friends whom I can high five when a zombie chews some dude or dudette's face off. Without good friends, I wouldn’t have been exposed to horror, and without great movies, I wouldn’t have liked horror.

Thankfully here I am, some nerd writing about how much I loves them horror movies.

****The misty fog clears and the sun sets. I have, like, a bloody hatchet or sword or something and I look like a fierce pimp.*******

End of Awesomeness. Narcosleepy out!

Messengers 2: The Scarecrow

2009, Dir. by Martin Barnewitz.

One of the formative terrors in my life came from a short tale I recall finding in a "scary" story book I devoured as a child. The book is long gone, though I can still picture a navy blue cover and can hazily remember another story about a phantom truck harassing a driver on a dark country road, but the memory of one segment stuck with me forever. In that simple horror story, a farmer becomes terrified of the scarecrow in his field, destroys it, and returns home later to see, from a distance, the scarecrow sitting upon the farmhouse's roof, waiting and watching over the land.

The image of this scene that I created in my mind has never left me, and I've always dreamt of finding it recreated on film. It didn't happen in the mega-fun Scarecrows, nor the low budget (and low intelligence) Scarecrow Gone Wild, but I've remained optimistic that I'd someday find my fear. My life-long hunt for evil scarecrows on film shall not stop until I find this terror.

So when I saw the trailer for Messengers 2: The Scarecrow - the direct-to-video prequel to a film I never saw - I was pretty pumped about the chance to continue my search. Having not seen the first film added to my intrigue, as I recall that Kristen Stewart flick looking more like a "more boring ghosts borrowed from Asian films" film than a scarecrow film, though the farm setting almost did nearly draw my interest. Alas, this was not the film to meet my fantasy.

Messengers 2 stars Boondock Saint Norman Reedus as the patriarch of a small family who is determined to make their family farm work. As a former farm child, I'm suggested from outside the screen that he might need more than one very small corn field to pay the bills for a family of four, but that's not what the film wants us to think about. The film's solution to all the family's problems is a mangled old scarecrow he finds in the barn, which his seemingly wise neighbor (Hatchet's Richard Riehle, whom I continue to mistake for Bill Murray's not-as-funny brother Brian Doyle Murray) insists will "plant the seeds" that will solve his problems. Despite his son's advice (and the fact that his primary problem lies in a broken irrigation system, and not in crows), Reedus' John props up the creepy old thing, and fortune follows.

Well, fortune doesn't exactly follow. The banker who's out to foreclose and the neighbor who's a threat to his relationship with his wife (a cute thing called Heather Stephens) aren't problems anymore, and a busty neighbor who's fond of shedding her inhibitions (if inhibitions = clothes) appears; but things don't really get better. In traditional father-driven-to-extremes fashion (the DVD cover references The Shining and I'd say that's fair, if only in regard to the plot's ideas) things at home get awkward. All clues suggest that the straw-filled culprit is pulling his strings.

From there on Messengers 2 follows the standard modern horror blueprint for befuddling the viewer. A series of surreal visions and auditory hallucinations occur, and the overworked papa begins to neglect his family. When he does get home his uncertainties and paranoiac behavior get the best of him, resulting in arguments and forced sex scenes. Doubts are born in those around him, and his behavior escalates. Blah blah blah, you know this story. Reedus does an adequate job by never going too far over the top in the role, but he never seems unhinged enough to really sell the film's plot either. The rest of the cast members manage stereotypical roles that include the faithful and concerned wife, the teen daughter who doubts her parent by nature, and the seductive and mysterious neighbor. They all make their way to a silly finale with a tacked on moment that probably has some correlation to that Messengers film I never saw.

(By the way, what kind of word is messenger? Ever sent anyone a "messenge"? I haven't. I've heard of messages, but I guess the forefathers of that there English language just didn't think messager would have worked. I'm getting confused just thinking about it, let's finish the review....)

I guess the film as a whole is passable, as there were few moments that really brought out severe dislike from me, but it's awfully forgettable. The titular scarecrow, which was prevalent in the advertising, is rarely a physical force in the story, and there are definitely none of the roof-climbing shenanigans that I'd dreamt of. Messengers 2 gets its point across, but there's not much to that point. We've seen it before, and it's nothing that's going to haunt my dreams like that story from youth still does.

Maybe someday I'll find my terror. Until then, I'll probably forget about Messengers 2.

Splice

2009, Dir. by Vincenzo Natali.

Though it's veiled by shiny colors and hip modern characters, Vincenzo Natali's festival-hit-turned-summer-sleeper Splice is at its core a tale we've heard before. Most will make a connection to Frankenstein mythology through the plot, and the fact that our primary characters are named Clive and Elsa will ring a bell for fans of a couple of films made by James Whale in the early 1930's. As a big fan of Mary Shelley's original novel and the films that built on its legacy, it was hard for me to not respect what Splice brought to the table. While the film isn't necessarily original, it is definitely a unique take on the classic tale.

Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley star in this minimalist tale (there are only seven credited cast members and most of the film is contained to three memorable sets) as a couple of geneticists who are science's biggest rock stars. They've created a new species by splicing together the DNA of several animal species and are loving the free range they've been given over their lab, but the pharmaceutical company that pays the bills is ready to move on to phase two (because we all know what phase three is: profit).

Unwilling to walk away from their work quietly, Clive and Elsa - mostly Elsa - decide to move on with their own experiments, and graduate to using human DNA. After a learning curve is overcome, we meet the resulting creature that Elsa names Dren. Dren is something viewers have never seen before, a creature that exists somewhere between Species' Natasha Henstridge and a non-assimilated portion of John Carpenter's The Thing; a small feminine being with a protruding forehead, knees that bend in an inhuman direction, and a probing tail that doubles as a stinger. She's also a child who grows and learns quickly, seeming to develop new talents by the day. While Clive is disturbed by the offspring's ability to build intelligence, Elsa takes on the role of protector and mother, allowing Dren to develop. Like most things created by nerds with intelligence, Dren becomes an obsession to those who study her.

Like Frankenstein, Splice relays the importance of looking at the morality of creation when humans tamper with the gifts of life. Clive is very grounded and offers up plenty of doubts regarding how "right" their work is, but Elsa seems to be driven by a greater calling. There's a moment early in the film where Dren, still incubating inside her mechanical mother, flatlines and is nearly lost in Elsa's eyes. When the machinery relays vital signs after moments of fear, she briefly glances up to the heavens, as if she's mentally thanking God for saving her creation. In her eyes this creation is a gift that is her responsibility, and from that moment forward motherhood becomes a recurring theme between our female characters.

As she evolves mentally and physically, Dren becomes more volatile. Natali's work to show her instability reminded me of a famous passage from Mary Shelley's novel, in which that creation exclaims that it has the capacity for love or rage, and that if it "cannot satisfy the one, [it] will indulge the other." These indulgences lead to a role reversal for Clive and Elsa, which works both as a statement on the difficulties of parenthood and to signify that their creation can not be fully explained by science.

Dren's loving side does lead to an unfortunate scene of intimacy which will probably gain infamy among many viewers, but her transformations throughout the film were the most interesting part of Splice's story to this viewer. Dren, portrayed by French model/actress Delphine Chaneac and a lot of special effects, is given just as much screen time as either Hollywood star, and the character's expressions and actions seem to control emotions in the viewer. Like Karloff's monster, this creation can look innocent and childlike at one moment, yet can inspire unease and dread the next.

Splice isn't going to set the world on fire, and I think a lot of the film's intricacies might be lost on most audiences. However, I do think the film will have staying power with horror and sci-fi fans who appreciate the theories behind their terror. At present, I think Splice will serve as great counter-programming to the mindless films of summer, and that any open-minded viewer who is up for a tale that pits morality vs. science could enjoy checking out Splice and piecing together their own conclusions.

Midnight Movie of the Week #22 - Kill, Baby...Kill!

Italian super-director Mario Bava may be most known for his Barbara Steele and Boris Karloff films Black Sabbath and Black Sunday, but relatively lost among his filmography is the excellent 1966 ghost story Kill, Baby... Kill! (which will be known as KBK for the rest of the review, because I already overuse punctuation as is). I suppose it's unfair to say the film is lost, since you can find it on dozens of bargain bin DVDs and "Horror Classics" collections thanks to its residence in the public domain. But there are only a couple of restored widescreen versions of the film out there (one is only in a box set with four other Bava films, the other was never actually released by Dark Sky Films and existing copies go for over $100 on Amazon), and their limited availability is what makes it difficult for a fan who really wants to experience Bava's film. Thankfully, the film is pretty darn good, even in a transferred-from-VHS-and-washed-out-in-full-frame presentation.

KBK (also known as Curse of the Living Dead or Operation Fear; the latter of which sounds like a G.I. Joe episode) opens with a coroner arriving in a small village to look at some oddly departed victims, particularly a young woman who is seen throwing herself on a gate's spires in the film's first minutes. His findings? Gold coins inside each victim, which turn out to be the work of a sorceress who jumps into the story. Also involved is the village redhead, a medical student played by Italian beauty Erika Blanc, who might be the next victim.
In comparison to most Italian horrors of the '60s and '70s, KBK has a relatively straightforward haunting plot. But anyone familiar with his work knows that Bava does succeed when the film veers into the surreal, including a fabulous scene where the lead (played by The Last Man on Earth's Giacomo Rossi-Stuart) runs through a repetitive series of rooms while chasing a doppleganger to each door. The film also benefits greatly from some unique lighting choices. Bava had perfectly harnessed black & white photography in earlier works like Black Sunday and I Vampiri, but here he offers a lot of blues and oranges that seem like a beautiful flash-forward to John Carpenter's Halloween to this viewer. (The DVD presentation I viewed doesn't do these justice, as you'll see in the trailer at the end of this post.)

Child ghosts with a vengeance have evolved to become quite a profitable subgenre in horror over the last 50 years, and it's easy to see the influence Bava's film had on future filmmakers in that regard too. The sets are rich with wafting fog and dimly lit hallways (reminding me of films like The Others), and off-screen giggling has become a mainstay in haunted house films as well. But while KBK offers up these future mainstays, it still feels fresh in comparison to the films that followed, thanks to the intensity Bava's eerie setting and aggressive musical score add to the film.
I lust for the day when a high quality version of KBK finds its way to my doorstep, because I would like to call this one of the most visually striking horror films I've ever seen. There's a contrast between exterior and interior shots that is most interesting - exterior scenes show deeper colors than the interiors, but when the spiritual forces at play enter a building these colors seem to follow them in. KBK bucks the trend of most film hauntings, as pure darkness is rarely shown in the film's most tense moments.

While it may be difficult to find the film in a proper aspect ratio with proper colors, Kill, Baby...Kill! should be a treat for any horror fan looking for something visually enticing. Also should be a requirement for anyone interested in Italian horror (and maybe even Asian horror, which has milked the "ghost of young girl" thing for all it's worth). It might just be Mario Bava's best work.

State of the Midnight Address: Vol. 4 - June is the Awesomest Month!

Hey everybody, it's that time of month again. There's currently a storm raging outside my windows, a fire burning in my heart (wait, what?) and a can of Ravioli calling me from my cupboard. That can mean only one thing...it's time for another State of the Midnight Address! Here's what's going on in FMWL's world right now....

• First up, as usual, I need to thank some people. Recently, FMWL hit 100 followers! And more over, we're now at 103! Am I overly excited about having three digits in that column? You betcha. Of course, now the pressure's on, as I've got more than five score people to entertain. I'll try my best not to let you all down. To all of you, who make me excited to post something new nearly every day (even when I don't!), I send out a hearty thanks!
  

• I want to send my condolences out to the late Dennis Hopper, and his survivors. Mr. Hopper was always a favorite actor of mine, particularly in Hoosiers (my favorite sports movie, by far), Red Rock West, Speed (Pop quiz, hotshot!), and True Romance. But of course, it wouldn't be FMWL if I didn't mention his darker turns in Blue Velvet, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, and Land of the Dead. You were one of a kind, Mr. Hopper.

• May lagged a little behind the last three months in the number of posts I got out there, and I apologize dearly. It was a stressful month at my real world job, which doesn't look to be getting better immediately. But I won't let them keep me down, I assure you.

• I'm proud to say that my most recent new feature, the Random Horror Throwdown, has been a lot of fun for me to write over the past few weeks. I'm glad to see that many are pleased with these posts too, and I plan to keep it going on a weekly basis for the foreseeable future. The Midnight Movie of the Week posts have been my baby since the beginning of the year, but I'm glad to have this feature going forward as a counterpoint to it. (By the way, it might not always be a Random Horror Throwdown, I'm looking at some other genres I can debate too.)

• In addition to these Throwdowns, I'm also excited to say that I've been asked to contribute to Flickchart: The Blog because of them. I know I mentioned this a couple of weeks ago, but I wanted to make sure that anyone out there who's unfamiliar becomes familiar with Flickchart; which is definitely the most addictive movie ranking site ever. Go there, befriend TheMike31 (aka, me), and put together a pretty awesome list of your favorite movies!

• Recently there was a bit of drama involving several horror blogs out there, and a lot of people, including myself, became very annoyed. As a writer I fight to be taken seriously, even in my silliest of posts, and the kind of behavior shown - which I felt reflected back on all horror bloggers in a negative manner - frustrated me considerably. However, I do not wish to spend my blogging time on matters such as these - except for addressing the fact that I will not be dealing with them here. If you're looking for something more scandalous in a blog, I'm afraid I won't be able to meet your expectations.

• What has two thumbs and is psyched out of its gourd for Splice to open this weekend? THIS GUY! A review will be up quicker than you can say Jack Robinson....or at least as quickly as possible.

• If you haven't checked out The Bloodsprayer yet, you're severely missing out. I predict big things for this site, which has amassed a Dream Team of writers from blogs across the horror scene. They'll make us all proud, and someday soon.
  

• On behalf of my family, I also would like to thank everyone who took the time to read my posts on The Masha on Mother's Day and Clownhouse on my sister Mamada's birthday. They very much appreciated the posts, and were excited to hear that several readers felt the same way.
  

And, the big topic...June. My favorite month. In fact, it's so my favorite that I'm proclaiming it AWESOMENESS MONTH at FMWL! I've got a few exciting things up my sleeve, which may include:

• The return of The Midnight Warriors!
• A celebration of The Mike's birthday!
• A new Audio Commentary!
• More inductions into FMWL's Hall of Fame!
• And, quite possibly....a Blogathon!

EXCLAMATION POINT! Again, thank you so much to everyone who's reading, and stay tuned! All you midnight warriors and lovers of justice might just make June so exciting that I'll be dancing on the bed like the kid in this picture!

(Yes, that's the first picture of myself unmasked that's ever appeared on FMWL. Don't act like you're not impressed!)

Random Horror Throwdown - Plan 9 From Outer Space vs. The Last House on the Left (2009)

When I promised "random" in these throwdowns of horror film justice, I meant it. I can't think of a sillier matchup to feature than this one, but the more I looked at the screen I began to wonder if there was something deeper to this odd pairing of films that were released a half century apart. Thus, I put on my thinking britches. It's time to investigate.

VS.

The Movies:
Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959, Dir. by Ed Wood.)
Starring: Bela Lugosi (kinda?), Vampira, Tor Johnson.
IMDB Synopsis: Evil aliens attack Earth and set their terrible "Plan 9" in action. As the aliens resurrect the dead of the Earth to destroy the living, our stupid minds are in danger. (Note from The Mike: This is seriously the best IMDB Synopsis I've ever read. No where else in the world could you write "our stupid minds are in danger" and have it be this bloody brilliant. Well done, IMDB user called "Qrrbirbel"!)

The Last House on the Left (2009, Dir. by Dennis Iliadis.)
Starring: Tony Goldwyn, Monica Potter, Garrett Dillahunt, Sara Paxton.
IMDB Synopsis: After kidnapping and brutally assaulting two young women, a gang led by a prison escapee unknowingly finds refuge at a vacation home belonging the parents of one of the victims -- a mother and father who devise an increasingly gruesome series of revenge tactics. (Note from The Mike: Seriously, try to fit "our stupid minds are in danger" into THAT synopsis. Maybe it could fit after "two young women", but I don't think it works.)

The Plots:
Plan 9, as the fabulous synopsis (I wonder if I can get Qrrbirbel to guest post here?!?!) says has aliens, zombies vampires, and Solaranite bombs. If you can make sense of the plot, you might think it has something to do with humanity and its destructive capabilities, but the movie never really forms a coherent enough statement to say that. The Last House on the Left, as the not-as-great synopsis states, is a rape and revenge flick.

And here's where I start to ponder. On one hand we have a horror based on the spectacular and unknown (and yes, I probably should mention that I'm listing Plan 9 as horror in the loosest possible way) and a horror based on the incredibly real and brutal. Do I want to see more rape movies, or more vampire/alien/zombie movies? I think the answer to that has to be the latter, which means I have to give a point to Plan 9 From Outer Space, right? (1-0, Plan 9 leads.)

The Directors:
If you know anything about Ed Wood as a director, you know the reputation. And if you haven't seen Tim Burton's fantastic biopic of the director, do yourself a favor and FIND IT IMMEDIATELY. Probably one of my 25 favorite films of any genre.

Dennis Iliadis is pretty much the prototype for modern horror flash-in-the-pan directors. He got a relatively big chance to make a horror remake, and now is attached to another one - an update of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. He showed competence in Last House, which is more than can ever be said about Wood, so this point goes to The Last House on the Left by default. (1-1)

The Casts:
OK, I'm not counting Bela. Yes, he appears, but I don't think it's right to count him in this one. And, though I love Vampira and Tor Johnson, they weren't exactly members of the Guild. Last House, like its director, offers a lot of competency in its cast, with career character actors Tony Goldwyn and Monica Potter alongside one of my favorite current "That Guy!"s, Garrett Dillahunt. He's cool, so another vote heads to the Left. (2-1, Last House on the Left leads.)

My Experience With The Films:
Like the plot category, this one ruffles my brow. I've only seen The Last House remake once, and it wasn't pleasant. I could see myself revisiting it in the future, but it's hard to come up with a good reason why I'd do that. Flipping the tables, I've had ten good years of "enjoying" Plan 9 From Outer Space - if you can call making fun of the silliness of it all "enjoyment", that is. So, I'm giving it a point. (2-2)

Normally I Throw A Silly Comedy Question Into These Things...But Really, How Do I Pick This One?:
Is it better to be mediocre and vengeful or terrible and silly? If I had to watch one of these movies with a film professor, which would be the choice? How about if I had to watch one with my Masha? Do I shred every bit of credibility I've ever amassed as a horror fan if I pick what is generally considered the worst movie of all-time over a middling modern remake?

I....I just don't know. Is Last House on the Left a better film in structure? Absolutely. Is Plan 9 From Outer Space a movie I've watched several times with people and had fun with? Yep, it is. Should I just take the easy way out and call it a truce? No way.This Choice is Like:
You play video games, right? It used to be that in video games you had a set path where you had to do things one way, or you had to try again. But nowadays, things open up to you as a player. And along the way in these games, you can occasionally choose to do really ridiculous things that don't make any sense with your character's heroic purpose....but sometimes you do it anyway, just because it's fun to run over a digital old lady with a car when there are no repercussions.

So About That Final Point?:
Well, The Last House on the Left remake....I just don't care about you. You don't matter, and in a few years the only time I'll remember you is when I go "Oh hey, remember when they made that Last House on the Left remake?" Plan 9 From Outer Space...you're awful, but you're kinda homey. I like having you around once in a while. So, you win my heart (or at least this final point). (3-2, Plan 9 From Outer Space wins!)

(Note from The Mike: This ranking has Plan 9 somewhere above the 50th percentile of my rankings? Maybe my stupid mind is in danger!)

Chuck Norris Ate Bruce Lee? Not Exactly, But He Could Have!

For starters, I should warn you that this will be, without a doubt, the hairiest post in the history of From Midnight With Love. I'd also like to point out what you should be able to gather via the picture right next to the word next that you just read...that this post is part of the Chuck Norris ate my Blog Blogathon/Contest over at the always amazing Chuck Norris Ate My Baby blog.

One of the greatest cinematic sins I've committed in my young life is not being more acquainted with the films of the deadliest man on the planet, Sir Chuck Norris. I've got a copy of Missing in Action I've been meaning to watch somewhere in one of my DVD piles, but other than that it's pretty much Walker Texas Ranger and Dodgeball for me. Of course, despite this, I know the legends of Chuck, as a picture of Chuck is worth way more than 1000 words.

The only other time I've experienced Chuck - to the extent one can experience Chuck without getting a boot in the face - is through his first billed movie role. In 1972, (it's so hard not to type "a crack commando unit was sent to military prison for a crime they did not commit" right now, but I digress) Chuck portrayed Colt, the alpha villain in the Bruce Lee film The Way of the Dragon (or, The Return of the Dragon if you're American). And that's when this (which is kinda a spoiler for the entire movie, but is awesome) happened.


Now there are a few things I'm obliged to say about this battle:

• That has to be the most intense kitten of all-time. It even gets the zoom-in/zoom-out shot that signals blood in the water!
• Chuck dominates the early part of the fight, but the chest hair pull really seems to take some momentum away. Plus, like an XBox Live user with a bad connection, Bruce seems to hit an untouchable-and-moving-in-slow-motion stage right after that. This clearly turns the tide against CNAMB's eponymous hero.
• At the 4:25 mark, Chuck goes from in the zone to confused with only one quick leg kick by Mr. Lee. This boggles my mind. I mean, we know Chuck wasn't entirely in control here (I suppose he has to work with the filmmakers and screenwriters), but who would really believe such a shift in Chuck that quickly?
• While he's being knocked about between the 6:00 mark and 6:35 mark, you can clearly see Chuck using all of his Herculean power to not turn into some sort of hybrid manbeast, ala The Wolf Man. I mean, his chest and back hair seem to grow by the second throughout the video, and we all know how powerful the man really is, so it wouldn't have been a stretch if he'd just transformed, ripped off Bruce's head, and then destroyed the cameraman. It'd be like Cloverfield, only hairier.

Now, what did we learn from this battle? GROW A BEARD! It's safe to say that bearded Chuck Norris could have easily handled Bruce Lee's attacks. It's clear that the environment in which the battle occurs is quite dirty and dusty, and you can see the smudging of Chuck's face as Lee continues to fling those filthy feet in his direction. I assume the growing of said beard was a direct response to this unfortunate demise. (Considering Bruce's appearance throughout the battle, I can only assume that dirt - like the rest of us - fears the feet of Chuck Norris. None of it appears on Mr. Lee despite him getting kicked in the face repeatedly.)

Were Mr. Lee around a little longer, I imagine we'd have seen many more battles between the inventor of "the style of no style" and the former middleweight karate champion. And, by the powers of the beard (which I've heard may have been the location of the island from Lost?) Chuck surely would have dominated many of those battles.

Alas, it was not to be. But even Bruce Lee knew that he had crossed the line at the end of the battle. No one can run from Chuck Norris, for he is a part of you, and will always know where you are hiding. Lee knew this all too well, thanks to The Way of the Dragon.

(Want more Chuck content? Head over the the previously mentioned Chuck Norris Ate My Baby in the next few days to see what other great blogs, like Enter The Man Cave or The Quest to Watch Every Movie Ever have to add to this Chuck-a-palooza! In the meantime, beardless Chuck smiles upon you!)

Help save The Commune!

I'm not usually one for plugs, but this is one of those times where what I'm plugging matters to me and this site. So please, read my plea.

Some of you may remember me reviewing an independent horror film called The Commune a couple of months ago. If not, here's my review of what I feel is a fine horror film that represents most of the good things that are missing from the horrors in today's multiplexes. To be fair, I did have some problems with the film, and am not telling you "this film will change horror forever!" (I'm only one dude, I don't have that authority). But I've been thinking about this film a lot since that viewing, and after having had a chance to learn more about the film and the fabulous director Elisabeth Fies via the joys of blogs and podcasts and social networking sites, I badly want to see this movie get a chance to get out there.

That's where YOU come in. What I'm asking is that any of you who use Netflix save the film to your queue. That's it. If a certain number of people save the film to their queue, Netflix will carry the film, and it will at least receive a fighting chance to make an impact on horror fans across the U.S.

This isn't one of those "Yeah right, if they need blokes like me to vote there's no chance" situations. The film is very, VERY close to hitting the mark which will get Netflix to pick it up. YOU can make a difference by adding it to your queue. It won't cost you anything you're not already paying, and it will afford the world a chance to see the film.

Horror fans spend so much time talking about how bad most of the horror films out there are - and this is an honest-to-goodness chance for us to use our voice and make a difference, even if it's only for one film. I strongly believe that The Commune is a film which should not simply disappear, and I urge anyone out there who cares about cinema - whether their focus is on horror, indies, or whatver Michael Bay has coming out next - to take one simple step to help this film out.

If you want to know more, or if you don't believe crazy ol' me, hit up the facebook page related to this cause and see what Elisabeth Fies herself has to say about the film's chances. You can also find more info on The Commune at its official website, and if you're really interested in the film and don't have Netflix, there are purchasing links there too.

I beg of each of you, the readers who have made a difference to my blog and I, please take a moment to make a difference for this film and its filmmakers. It just might make you proud someday.

Midnight Movie of the Week #21 - Clownhouse

The twenty-seventh of May is the birthday of two of the all-time greatest stars in the history of horror cinema. To me, they're two of the greatest stars in the history of cinema, period. They are men who need no introduction - Vincent Price and Christopher Lee. And what I'm about to say may shock and befuddle you.

Neither of them are the most awesome person celebrating a birthday in The Mike's world today. That honor goes to the one-and-only sister to my one-and-only The Mike, who hates it when I call her Mamada. Thus, I will refer to her by that name for the rest of this writing.

Mamada and I have very different personalities. Though I am exactly 50 weeks older than her, everyone outside our immediate family has assumed she's older than me since our childhood. I'm assuming this started around the time my grandmother noted that 4 year old Mamada would often end a conversation with her older brother by proclaiming "If I say so, I say so!" She's always been the more aggressive child - when I was the one trying out the insulting new "bastard" word I heard on TV at age 8, she was the one wielding a baseball bat with a fiery rage in her eyes.

As we got older she focused on her grades and her social life, while I embraced nerdhood. In high school I remember many Saturday nights where I was quietly in bed watching Tales from the Crypt reruns while keeping an eye out the window to see if she'd beat her curfew home. If not, there'd be a war between her and The Masha in the morning, while I'd be checking out what movies were on TV this week via the Sunday paper. She was always a bigger fan of gory movies than me too...which makes sense now that she's a bad-ass criminalist of justice who carries a gun and scopes out crime scenes. (Note to Mamada: Please avoid cases involving dudes named Jigsaw!)

But there was one thing that Mamada and I always had in common...a love for horror movies. She may have even had me beat in that department at times, as I do recall her picking out A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 at the video store while I was in the Schwarzenegger section settling on Raw Deal. (We were probably 13 and 14 at the time, so a big thanks goes out to Aunt Karrie and Uncle Steve for looking out for us that weekend.) There were a lot of horror flicks we agreed on - I have plenty of fond memories of The People Under the Stairs and The Shining; and Scream was a huge hit in our household later - but nothing ever touched Clownhouse in our eyes. It was without a doubt, our movie.I've talked about Clownhouse and how it came to us a few times before, so I'll sum this up briefly. Due to sexual abuse charges (which add terror to the film now that I'm an adult), the film has not been in print since its brief VHS release in 1990. Luckily for us, a local video store carried the film and somehow - I honestly don't remember when or how - it caught our eye. I am a little surprised that I don't remember the first time we viewed it, but that's probably because we watched it so often that it all runs together in my mind nearly 20 years later. We usually rented the thing a couple of times a month (and maybe weekly at first), and any time either of us had a friend over the question "Ooooh, have you seen Clownhouse?" would happen. A rental run would always follow.At that age, and with that number of viewings under my belt, Clownhouse became the archetype that all "modern" horror films were measured to me. Now I look at it as a cookie cutter film with little originality, but back then I saw it as the representation of how a horror movie could create scares simply by dark hallways and killers appearing and disappearing at random. I also remember it being one of the first times I ever thought "this movie really isn't good, but I darn tootin' love it!" (Yeah, I used darn tootin' as a kid. We lived on a farm, ok? There were hundreds of pigs surrounding us and the internet hadn't happened yet! Stop yelling at me!!!)

Most importantly, this stupid movie was often the unobtanium that kept Mamada and I from killing each other. If all else failed, The Masha would head to town and rent Clownhouse, and peace would always ride home with her. It was the great equalizer that kept our sibling rivalry at bay, that taught me about the benefits of cheesy horror, and that became a legend in our household. I know I've barely talked about the actual movie here, and I definitely could break Clownhouse down in depth for you all, but in the long run the movie's technical merits and performances (though it does feature a young Sam Rockwell as the mean older brother!) and awful script and lack of boobs (which makes sense after I learned about Victor Salva when I was 22...don't worry, I didn't learn personally!) don't matter one bit to me in comparison to what it meant to us ridiculous children.
Clownhouse is still unavailable publicly 20 years later in America, though a few MGM produced DVDs were made before a planned release was pulled back in 2003. We each have a copy of that disc now, of course. Most importantly, we own that beaten VHS tape that we must have spent hundreds of dollars on. If my apartment were to catch fire randomly, I know exactly where it is, and it would be one of the first things I'd go for. If I didn't, I'm sure Mamada would have that baseball bat in her hands again.

It is with great pleasure that I bid a happy birthday to Mamada today, and do so by remembering the joy that Clownhouse brought to our younger selves. Price and Lee? They can go pick some other day to be honored on. I say it's Mamada Day - and if I say so, I say so!

25 Amazing Women in Horror Films

Jamie Lee Curtis - Halloween

Quinn O'Hara - The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini

Jessica Harper - Suspiria

Barbara Steele - The Pit and the Pendulum

Sigourney Weaver - Alien

Shelley Duvall - The Shining

Melissa Stribling - Horror of Dracula

Ashley Bank - The Monster Squad

Myrna Loy (Yes, THE Myrna Loy!) - The Mask of Fu Manchu

Marilyn Eastman - Night of the Living Dead

Jocelin Donahue & Greta Gerwig - The House of the Devil

Deborah Kerr - The Innocents

Phoebe Cates - Gremlins

Ellen Burstyn & Linda Blair - The Exorcist

Betsy Baker, Ellen Sandweiss, & Theresa Tilly - The Evil Dead

Evelyn Ankers - The Ghost of Frankenstein

Fay Wray - Doctor X

Mae Clarke - Frankenstein

Britt Ekland - The Wicker Man

Aneta Corseaut - The Blob

Gaylen Ross - Dawn of the Dead

This post is dedicated to all women who fight for the horror genre, most of whom are just as amazing as these 25 women. You rule, ladies, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Random Horror Throwdown: Creepshow vs. Night of the Creeps - Creepy, huh?

Yeah, this matchup seems about as random as Oprah Winfrey eating canned ham, but it surely did happen to me. Flickchart is my witness. So, in my second installment of the Random Horror Throwdown, things are gonna get creepy....but if you just let it roll over you, it'll be alright.

(Speaking of creeps, do you know what horror classic that's amazing and pretty much fantastic and OMG AMAZING carried the working title "The Night of the Creeping Dead"? Check out the tags at the end of this post, and you should be able to figure out the answer. Now let's battle.)

VS.

The Movies:
Creepshow (1982, Dir. by George A. Romero.)
Starring: Hal Holbrook, Adrienne Barbeau, Leslie Nielsen, Ted Danson, Stephen King, E.G. Marshall, Ed Freakin' Harris!
IMDB Synopsis: Five tales of terror are presented. The first deals with a demented old man returning from the grave to get the Father's Day cake his murdering daughter never gave him. The second is about a not-too-bright farmer discovering a meteor that turns everything into plant-life. The third is about a vengeful husband burying his wife and her lover up to their necks on the beach. The fourth is about a creature that resides in a crate under the steps of a college. The final story is about an ultra-rich businessman who gets his comeuppance from cockroaches. (Note from The Mike: This reads like a kindergartner (who somehow learned "comeuppance") relaying his day to a parent! I love it, but I soooo wish it ended with "And then Robert Loggia came by!" Like that orange juice commercial.)

Night of the Creeps (1986, Dir. by Fred Dekker.)
Starring: Jason Lively, Steve Marshall, Jill Whitlow, Tom Atkins
IMDB Synopsis: Alien brain parasites, entering humans through the mouth, turn their host into a killing zombie. Some teenagers start to fight against them. (Note from The Mike: This kinda makes sense. But needs more Loggia.)

The Directors:
I'll get this one out of the way quickly. I mean, I love The Monster Squad dearly, and RoboCop 3 has some moments that aren't terrible. Fred Dekker, I imagine you're a cool dude. But...he's George Romero.

You know, he's the guy from George Romero. One point Creepshow. (1-0, Creepshow leads.)

The Monsters:
Night of the Creeps has aliens, zombies, and slugs, sometimes features a zed-dog, and even shows off a zomified David Paymer. Creepshow, on the other hand, has a hairy crate beast, assimilating plants, zombies, Leslie Nielsen and/or Ted Danson (depending on where you stand on the adultery/true love continuum), and Adrienne Barbeau. Oh, and a cartoon version of death. And bugs.

It looks like Creepshow has the edge, but you can never underestimate slugs. I'll call this one a draw, no point awarded. (1-0, Creepshow leads.)

My Experience With the Films:
This point will be entirely decided by the crappy people who held up distribution of Night of the Creeps on DVD. Maybe if things had been a little better for Night of the Creeps, I'd have spent as much time with it as Creepshow. Curses!

On the other hand, Creepshow has a special place to me. During my college years a roommate and I attended a midnight showing of John Carpenter's Christine at which a horror trivia challenge was held and, naturally, we won (we being me knowing the answers and giving them to he, of course). Anyway, he got a DVD of Creepshow out of the deal (I already had it) and I got a DVD of Dark City - which is also awesome. I know what you're thinking: You were with a dude who won a copy and that constitutes a "special place?" You're a doofus, The Mike!

To which I say: Good point. But it's still my blog, so the point goes to Creepshow. (2-0, Creepshow leads.)Which film would benefit more from the addition of Sybil Danning's breasts?
I initially had this question written as "Which film would benefit from the addition of Sybil Danning's breasts?" - but we all know the answer to that is ALL FILMS. Heck, if Citizen Kane had replaced every shot of windows with her merry mounds, it'd be widely considered the greatestest film of all-time instead of just the greatest film of all-time. If someone came up to me tomorrow and said "Dude, they're replacing Mount Rushmore with Sybil Danning's breasts!", I'd be like "Whoa, South Dakota's not big enough for the both of 'em!"

But I digress. Creepshow has a comic feel and really is centered around a little kid...and we all know it's OK to show kids violence and monsters; but it's NOT OK to show kids boobs, especially Sybil Danning's (Presumably because they might shatter the child's dreams of ever amounting to anything worthy of seeing Sybil Danning's boobs).

On the other hand, Night of the Creeps has that dream sequence with Tom Atkins on the beach. Add some Danning cannons there, and you've sent the scene to 11. The point goes to Night of the Creeps! (2-1, Creepshow leads.)

The Casts:
I love Tom Atkins. I want to give Night of the Creeps this point based solely on Tom Atkins. But then I remember...Creepshow ALSO had Tom Atkins, if only briefly.

And then I consider that it had Holbrook (a personal fave of mine); plus Barbeau, Nielsen, King, Harris, Marshall, a Tom Savini cameo....and it's got to be Creepshow. I just can't go against that cast. (3-1, Creepshow leads.)

(And really, can you imagine what could have happened if Romero ALWAYS had casts like this???? It would have shattered the horror universe as we know it! It'd be nearly as great as Sybil Danning's breasts!)
This Choice is Like:
That scene in Animal House when the dude realizes Karen Allen left him for Donald Sutherland. I mean, the dude was great, but it's Donald Sutherland, whose loins produced Jack Bauer AND who can sport that haircut. Too much to beat, methinks.

I do love Night of the Creeps dearly, but Creepshow is just so....Creepshow. With that cast added to the Romero factor (by the way, it's totally Romero Week over at Freddy in Space, check it out), there's no other choice I can make. Both movies should just be glad they weren't up against The Night of the Creeping Dead, because I'd drop them like Karen Allen.

City of the Living Dead - Stop the Teleporting Zombie Madness, I Want to Get Off!

1980, Dir. by Lucio Fulci.

If you've ever wanted to see someone regurgitate their innards - or at least some regurgitating of sheep innards that are meant to represent their innards - look no further than the work of Lucio Fulci. Case in point: City of the Living Dead (aka: The Gates of Hell, aka: Paura nella citta dei morti viventi, aka: Ein Zombie hing am Glockenseil), the multi-titled, multi-dimensional, zombie-ish film chosen as this month's Final Girl Film Club selection over at the entirely fabulous Final Girl horror film blog of justice.*

(* - Actual blog title may vary.)

City of the Living Dead is a film that has long perplexed me. I'd seen parts of it, but never got in a full viewing until last night. I always expected something similar to Fulci's Zombi 2 (aka Zombie, aka Island of the Living Dead, aka Nueva York bajo el terror de los zombi), but it turned out the films are about as far apart as two zombie films can be.

With a plot that follows a priest's suicide, a seance that opens the (partially) titular Gates of Hell, and a large dose of undead that appear outside windows or atop fences, City of the Living Dead is not your traditional zombie film. In fact, if the horror nerd world of today existed in the early '80s, I'd imagine the same sticklers that complain about 28 Days Later and [Rec] being listed as zombie films would have ripped at this one. I mean, if zombies have to be dead and can't run to be zombies (a train of thought which only considers one of the dictionary definitions of the zed word), where does the ability materialize out of thin air fit on the spectrum of zombie disqualification? That's a whole other cart of apples, so let's move on.

City of the Living Dead's biggest successes come when it seems to blur the line between the differing subgenres we've come to expect from horror, and particularly the Italian horror scene of this era. City of the Living Dead has zombie imagery that reminds of Zombie, but also spends a lot of time on dark streets where smoky fog is free to billow as needed. As mentioned above, this isn't a film in which the undead shamble around in search of brains; we instead are dealing with supernatural spirits who appear and disappear wherever they please. They're seemingly fronted by the priest who hung himself in the opening scenes, played with a Christopher Lee-esque intensity by Fabrizio Jovine. Jovine's sporadic appearances are among the highlights of the film, particularly his role in the famous regurgitation scene.

The film offers a very surreal quality, which is mostly due to the foggy streets, the blank-eyed villains, and a strong musical score from Fabio Frizzi. This helps make up for both the silly teleportation special effects and the simplicity of the story. It's most certainly a case of style-over-substance, but there are some unfortunate problems with that style that keep me from really loving the film.

Though the film only runs 93 minutes, there are times when it seems to stall entirely. It's bad when the plot stalls, but worse when the film seems to be taking a timeout. For example, there are a few scenes in which the camera shifts to a location to establish setting...and then lingers. And lingers. And lingers. And after about 25 seconds of just showing us this house's exterior, it finally moves into the room the characters are...and lingers more. At this point, I wonder how much he really has to let it linger, and get a little frustrated by the fact that I expected the film to remind me of a different song by The Cranberries.

While I prefer the approach Fulci took with Zombie - a more simple and even film - The City of the Living Dead is an ambitious and original horror that takes on a few more layers than I expected. I can appreciate that, even if I didn't find myself fully enthralled by the final product. (And I didn't even mention the Christopher George factor, which makes this fine material for a triple feature with Graduation Day and Pieces!)

So, if you're interested in City of the Living Dead, or in awesome blogs, I recommend heading over to Final Girl around May 24th of 2010, and checking out a myriad of posts on the film from some of the best blogs in the world (you can also get a more loving analysis of the film over at The Vault of Horror). I'll definitely be revisiting it in the future to spend more time trying to figure out Fulci's ridiculous zombie world, where the inventive gore and visual panache keep the dreamlike film afloat.