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May 29, 2010

Chuck Norris Ate Bruce Lee? Not Exactly, But He Could Have!

For starters, I should warn you that this will be, without a doubt, the hairiest post in the history of From Midnight With Love. I'd also like to point out what you should be able to gather via the picture right next to the word next that you just read...that this post is part of the Chuck Norris ate my Blog Blogathon/Contest over at the always amazing Chuck Norris Ate My Baby blog.

One of the greatest cinematic sins I've committed in my young life is not being more acquainted with the films of the deadliest man on the planet, Sir Chuck Norris. I've got a copy of Missing in Action I've been meaning to watch somewhere in one of my DVD piles, but other than that it's pretty much Walker Texas Ranger and Dodgeball for me. Of course, despite this, I know the legends of Chuck, as a picture of Chuck is worth way more than 1000 words.

The only other time I've experienced Chuck - to the extent one can experience Chuck without getting a boot in the face - is through his first billed movie role. In 1972, (it's so hard not to type "a crack commando unit was sent to military prison for a crime they did not commit" right now, but I digress) Chuck portrayed Colt, the alpha villain in the Bruce Lee film The Way of the Dragon (or, The Return of the Dragon if you're American). And that's when this (which is kinda a spoiler for the entire movie, but is awesome) happened.


Now there are a few things I'm obliged to say about this battle:
  • That has to be the most intense kitten of all-time. It even gets the zoom-in/zoom-out shot that signals blood in the water!
  • Chuck dominates the early part of the fight, but the chest hair pull really seems to take some momentum away. Plus, like an XBox Live user with a bad connection, Bruce seems to hit an untouchable-and-moving-in-slow-motion stage right after that. This clearly turns the tide against CNAMB's eponymous hero.
  • At the 4:25 mark, Chuck goes from in the zone to confused with only one quick leg kick by Mr. Lee. This boggles my mind. I mean, we know Chuck wasn't entirely in control here (I suppose he has to work with the filmmakers and screenwriters), but who would really believe such a shift in Chuck that quickly?
  • While he's being knocked about between the 6:00 mark and 6:35 mark, you can clearly see Chuck using all of his Herculean power to not turn into some sort of hybrid manbeast, ala The Wolf Man. I mean, his chest and back hair seem to grow by the second throughout the video, and we all know how powerful the man really is, so it wouldn't have been a stretch if he'd just transformed, ripped off Bruce's head, and then destroyed the cameraman. It'd be like Cloverfield, only hairier.
Now, what did we learn from this battle? GROW A BEARD! It's safe to say that bearded Chuck Norris could have easily handled Bruce Lee's attacks. It's clear that the environment in which the battle occurs is quite dirty and dusty, and you can see the smudging of Chuck's face as Lee continues to fling those filthy feet in his direction. I assume the growing of said beard was a direct response to this unfortunate demise. (Considering Bruce's appearance throughout the battle, I can only assume that dirt - like the rest of us - fears the feet of Chuck Norris. None of it appears on Mr. Lee despite him getting kicked in the face repeatedly.)

Were Mr. Lee around a little longer, I imagine we'd have seen many more battles between the inventor of "the style of no style" and the former middleweight karate champion. And, by the powers of the beard (which I've heard may have been the location of the island from Lost?) Chuck surely would have dominated many of those battles.

Alas, it was not to be. But even Bruce Lee knew that he had crossed the line at the end of the battle. No one can run from Chuck Norris, for he is a part of you, and will always know where you are hiding. Lee knew this all too well, thanks to The Way of the Dragon.

(Want more Chuck content? Head over the the previously mentioned Chuck Norris Ate My Baby in the next few days to see what other great blogs, like Enter The Man Cave or The Quest to Watch Every Movie Ever have to add to this Chuck-a-palooza! In the meantime, beardless Chuck smiles upon you!)

3 comments:

Planet of Terror said...

I saw the A&E biography about Bruce many moons ago and apparently their battle on set got personal. Bruce's style vs. Chuck's added a little ego and need to 'prove' their styles. Anyways, during the scene, most punches and kicks actually landed and after the scene was shot, they carried on for awhile, both determined to outdo the other.

If Bruce was around today, I think he would have grabbed Chuck's beard, kneed him in the face and then he would have knocked him out with his dong. Sorry, love me some Chuck but Bruce was the man.

Matt-suzaka said...

Seriously, look at how hairy his shoulders are in that photo! I thought you were reviewing Wolfen for a second!

Way/Return of the Dragon has always been my favorite Bruce Lee film, much of that having to do with the epic battle of the tough guy gods at the film's conclusion.

What Cortez speaks of above me is true from what I have heard too. Being a fan of both men and their films, I know deep in my heart that Bruce was the best. However, Chuck was and is the manliest, so it works out evenly in a way.

Thanks for spotlighting one of cinemas finest showdowns for the blogathon...I really appreciate it!

The Mike said...

Thanks guys. For the record, I agree with you both on Bruce being the best, but based on the situation it seemed right to throw Chuck some love.

Can you imagine if they'd teamed up? The world would have crumbled!