If you run a website or blog and you've been on the internet for any amount of time at all, the odds are that you've gotten a few requests from advertisers. More likely than not, you've been contact by someone who wants you to review their product - which isn't related to your site - or you've gotten vague requests from companies that may or may not exist who don't really give you any reason to get back to them other than the dangling carrot that is a few dollars. It's how the internet works.
Here at FMWL, I've always intended to stay away from advertisements. It's not that I don't like money, it's just that I don't find it worth the hassle. FMWL is my site (thanks to a gracious loan of space from Google and Blogger, naturally), and I want it to represent what I want it to represent.
But if I were to consider picking up a few sponsors, there's a short list of companies/business I'd consider accepting advertisements from. Fortunately for me, most of them don't exist. So, let's take a look at a few fictional businesses that FMWL would be proud to support on this bland blog page....
The Bates Motel
I'm all about second chances, so I'd be very willing to put the past in the past and support this relatively quiet country resort. It's secluded and quaint, and just a short drive off of the main highway. Sure, security is a concern and privacy is variable (You might not want to ask for Cabin 1!), but Norman Bates will at least insure that there's fresh linens, and you'll sleep comfortably knowing that a sleazy Dennis Franz type manager isn't there running the place like a flophouse. Stay away from the mean Mother in the house on the hill and you'll have a quiet stay.
The Downingtown Diner
Don't worry folks, the kids aren't running away from the food! The Downingtown Diner may have actually been a real place, though I am relatively sure that it wasn't across the street from The Colonial Theater - which is sad, because I think a man could live on movies and hometown food alone. Alas, I have a soft spot for old school diners - or at least what old school diners seem like in movies - and I'm pretty sure the place has enough fire extinguishers around to make sure that it'll never burn down. It's a no Blob zone, and I bet it tastes great!
The Rabbit in Red Lounge
If you desire entertainment after your dinner, there's always The Rabbit in Red Lounge. To be honest, I don't know what said Lounge is - we're never shown it in
Halloween - but the fact that Michael Myers leaves behind the matchbook for Dr. Loomis to inspect has to mean he approves of it, right? I mean, there's no other good reason for the matchbook to get from the dashboard of a stationwagon to the scene of a murder and clothes theft (Sorry, man from the Phelps Garage, your company isn't getting advertised after this scene), is there? Anyway, the Rabbit in Red might turn out to be a place of ill repute - that bunny looks vaguely familiar - but if it's good enough for Michael it's good enough for FMWL.
The Slaughtered Lamb
For FMWL's friends across the pond, I present The Slaughtered Lamb. It's a bit of a drive out of of London, and the locals are a bit secretive, but it's got ambiance. I don't even use the alcohol, but I kind of want to hang our there anyway. Plus, darts. Darts rock the body that rocks the party. Go for the jokes and darts, and stay....well, stay clear of the moors!
Cut-Rite Chain Saws
If shopping is what you're looking for, head on down to Texas and Cut-Rite Chain Saws - which I have to imagine is the Holy Grail of chain saw retailers. It doesn't look like much from the outside, but look at what you come across once you get inside....
Seriously, just go ahead and click on that image to see the full picture. Go ahead, I'll wait here.
Yeah, there's no less than 25 chainsaws on display! There's even chainsaws hanging from the ceiling! And, if chainsaws aren't your thing, they've also got gas cans, what appears to be a weed whacker, one dusty helmet with a protective visor, and what appears to be a black chainsaw case that makes me want to walk around with a chainsaw like musicians walk around with a guitar. I'm sorry, but if you can't get a thrill out of Cut-Rite Chain Saws' inventory (PLUS YOU CAN TEST THE SAWS ON LOGS OUTSIDE!) then you need to check your pulse.
Noah's Arcade
Despite persistent rumors about a) the fairness of the games inside the arcade, and b) the owner's lewd activities with goats - I think Noah's Arcade sounds like a hoot. I mean, two of every game? That's awesome! And we all know that the real problem with Noah's Arcade sponsoring Wayne's World was that slimy "Pralines and Dick" flavored Benjamin, and he's out of the picture here. So I'm inviting you all to
come bust a move where the games are played. It's hip. It's fresh. It's Noah's Arcade.
(BTW, there's a commercial for Noah's Arcade that was filmed for
Wayne's World - you can see it on the monitors when the commercial break starts after Noah's interview with Wayne - and I want to see it. It's not a special feature on the DVD, and it's not on YouTube. I CRY FOUL.)
The Stuff
Gaaaaahhhh! I know The Stuff is bad for you. Like, really, really bad for you. Seriously bad for you. But I'd let them advertise here anyway, because they've got their stuff together. (And I am terribly sorry for that pun.) You've got '80s models, neon lights, fluffy polar bear coats, green one piece swimwear...and a blobby yogurty substance that takes over the body and eats you from the inside out. Take out the last part of that, leave the models coats and swimwear....and you've got Mike sold. (Not sold enough to eat The Stuff, mind you....just sold enough to sell it.
The Federal Service
If I can be serious for a minute, I want everyone to know that The Mike and FMWL are firmly behind all the young men and women who enlist to protect their nation. I say that because a) it's nice of them to do it while I sit home writing this crap, and b) BUGS ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS. With that in mind, The Federal Service as seen in
Starship Troopers wouldn't even need to pay for FMWL to show them love. They're heroes, because they protect us from giant bugs that are gross and may or may not have vaginas for noses. I and the rest of FMWL's readers are in their debt.
Would You Like To Know More?
So, if officials from any of these fake companies/business/branches of service are out there and want to send me some money...well, send me some money for this post. I need more pizza soon.
What say you, Midnight Warriors? Have any favorite fictional spots you'd promote? Hit up the comments and let me know!
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