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January 12, 2010

Impromptu Horror Movie Marathon Day! (Part Three)

After a restroom break and some deliberation, I'm back for more horror. It's 8:25 pm, and I've just started up The She-Beast, starring none less than the gorgeous Barbara Steele.8:27 pm - Well, I know we're in "Transylvania - Today" already, thanks to a title card. Odd, because the cars look like they're from approximately 1966.

8:28 pm - And, thanks to a book written by Gustav Van Helsing, we're into a flashback already.

8:29 pm - Crosses? CHECK. Pitchforks? CHECK. Torches? CHECK. It's official, we've got ourselves a lynch mob.

8:32 pm - Looks like we've gone right past lynching to some ritual by the lake. And there's a midget running through a herd of sheep!

8:33 pm - Wow, that creature makeup is....well....not impressive.

8:35 pm - So basically they killed her with a giant one of those bird looking things that dips into water?8:36 pm - And back to "present" day.

8:38 pm - Barbara's getting my hopes up with a reference to werewolves. Sad.

8:39 pm - This hotel's apparently run by Italian John Belushi.

8:42 pm - So, we've got a Van Helsing and apparently Dracula existed in this reality. I can roll with it.

8:44 pm - Had I written this, I'd have called the Van Helsing character "Count Exposition". Or Count Exposito, since it's Italian.

8:45 pm - Finally, Barbara gets to let her hair down. Rowwr.

8:48 pm - Time for go to bed...with Barbara Steele. Nice.

8:49 pm - The hotel owner is named Groper, but apparently he's more of a Peeper.

8:53 pm - I'd say shit probably just got real. Poor Barbara.

8:57 pm - Groper and the less attractive truck driver are plotting. Not a good thing.

9:00 pm - This guy's taking the fact that his wife seems to be missing far too well.

9:03 pm - Why do you keep a Van Helsing around? For situations like this one.

9:05 pm - On second thought, maybe they got the bad Van Helsing this time.

9:09 pm - They turned Barbara Steele into THAT? Not right, movie. Not right.

9:14 pm - You know how I said that last movie was dragging? I lied. THIS movie is dragging. At least new boredom looks shiny. (I can't believe I just said that.)

9:17 pm - We've got our first bloody murder.'s a camera attack! Break that fourth wall!

9:18 pm - Ian Ogilvy went on to some good anthologies for Amicus, but here he's wimpy and pretty pathetic. Both as a character and as a performer.

9:23 pm - I know, we'll give her a sedagive! Also, I'm pretty sure this movie would have been a billion times better if it had been called " The He-Beast" and the husband got to turn into a beast and Barbara was allowed to run around being herself and being hot. Or, they could have kept the She title and made the couple lesbians. That woulda worked hardcore. Yup.

9:27 pm - Nothing like a good police subplot to BRING THE MOVIE TO A STANDSTILL.

9:28 pm - You know Van Helsing is smart because he doesn't say "I don't know", he says "I don't know YET." That's pimp. I'm starting to think this Van Helsing isn't entirely worthless. Or, he's good at faking it.

9:29 pm - KARATE CHOP! NICE! I made a very loud cackle just then.

9:30 pm - Did this thing just go Keystone Cops on us? I think it did.

9:33 pm - There's under ten minutes left...and we're watching the worthless cop hijinks. Boo. Don't they need to be dealing with, oh I don't know, A SHE-BEAST????

9:37 pm - Even The She-Beast is asleep. That's how dull this part of the film is. And....I spoke too soon there.

9:39 pm - Well, that was an abrupt jump to the pertinent parts of the script. Only 4 minutes left, thank golly. We're, of course, back at the drinking bird device.

9:44 pm - THAT'S IT? Really? Man, what a disappointment. I expect more from Dark Sky DVDs and Barbara Steele. There's a nice final touch with Barbara at the end, but that's about it.

9:47 pm - So, we've got through The Roost, From Within, Sleepaway Camp, Tooth And Nail, and now The She-Beast. I've got one movie left to wrap up this marathon, and it's one that I've put off viewing for far, far too long. I suspect it's the most well-regarded horror film that I've never seen. And it

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