One Minute Review - Massage Parlor Murders

(1976, Directed by Chester Fox and Alex Stevens.)

The title pretty much sums up this American sleaze picture with a decidedly Italian feel. A madman wanders the streets of New York killing young women who work (and "give a little extra") in massage parlors. This allows for victims in various states of undress, lots of fake blood, and two determined cops on the killer's trail.

If there's anything spectacular about Massage Parlor Murders, it's the film's willingness to be completely bizarre. The director lingers on odd sequences like a massage parlor ballet number and a wonderful rant by The 'Burbs co-star Brother Theodore as a fanatical suspect, which leaves the film with a few moments that stand out as unique, if not ambitious.

Indeed, there's little more to the film than its sleazy premise and a whole lot of goofy non-stop action. The film often plays like it was written one scene at a time - and the abrasive and constantly changing musical score makes the film feel more disjointed - but this incompetent style probably makes it more appealing to sleaze fans. If the title tickles your fancy (and if you don't expect art) then Massage Parlor Murders should work as a grindhouse diversion.

Items of Note: Plenty of topless and dead women. Exposition scene that teaches about the devious massage parlor girl and her money grabbing ways. extended nude pool party. Car chase with cop wearing only a towel. Bizarre massage parlor girl who shows her pleasure by licking her lips in the most awkward way possible. Plot twist that matches up directly with a far more famous (and more accomplished) cops and killer film that came about 20 years later. Abrupt and ridiculous finale. Little to no actual tension.

Also of Note: Massage Parlor Murders is new to blu-ray/DVD combo pack thanks to the folks at Vinegar Syndrome, who have restored the film very well and put together a nice (and reasonably priced) package. The picture quality isn't really worthy of the blu-ray treatment, but I don't imagine that the movie needs to look any better than it does here. It's nice to have the rare movie (it has 9 ratings on IMDB!) back in circulation, even if it's just an ordinary grindhouse film.

The Score: 3 dead masseuses out of 5.

For Trailer (NSFW) click here.

One Minute Review - Julia's Eyes

(2010, Dir. by Guillem Morales.)

Twin sisters with degenerating sight are the centerpieces of Julia's Eyes, an atmospheric horror film from Spain that is most noticeable from a distance because it has the blessing of horror hero Guillermo Del Toro.  The blessing of a top notch director doesn't always mean much when it comes to quality, but I'm happy to say that Del Toro seems to have backed the right horse with this one.

Belen Rueda stars as the title character, who hopes to investigate the strange death of her blind twin sister Sara (also played by Rueda), which is detailed in a fantastic opening scene. Julia slips closer and closer to blindness as she tries to figure out who or what is responsible for her sister's death, and we

A palpable atmosphere of dread is the film's biggest asset, as director Guillem Morales takes the story into plenty of dark places as we follow Julia's investigation. Rueda is a more than capable star, and the supporting characters all seem to have a place amidst the film's twisty ride. The final result is a neat game of cat and mouse that should hold your attention.

Items of Note: Lots of blind people with zombie eyes. Naked old women with blind/zombie eyes. Commentary on the size and beauty of the universe. One creepy basement. Mouth knifing. Moments that remind me of the blindfold match between Jake Roberts and Rick Martel at Wrestlemania VII, which I thought was awesome when I was nine. An impressive dual performance in the lead.

The Score: 4 blind victims out of 5.

One Minute Review - The Victim

(2011, Directed by Michael Biehn.)

Kind-of genre icon Michael Biehn (it's hard to argue against the Terminator/Aliens/Abyss trifecta) stars in his own directorial debut as a reclusive gruff guy who becomes the center of a survival picture.  A bad girl (Jennifer Blanc, Biehn's real world wife) evades the men who just killed her friend (horror fave Danielle Harris) and holes up with the resourceful character in an attempt to fend off the killers.

Biehn keeps the whole thing moving at a quick pace, with well-placed flashbacks to show Blanc and Harris' plight. The goal was obviously to remind us of grindhouse thrillers of the past, and The Victim does a pretty good job of getting the tone right as it focuses on sex and violence.  Biehn is excellent in the lead, and the acting is sufficient across the board.

There are a lot of positives, but the picture never really has a spectacular moment and the villains are one-note and dull. An abrupt conclusion implies a neat twist but doesn't close anything, leaving the small film feeling like a good attempt, but not a total success toward its psychosexual goals.

Items of Note: Two sex-related deaths. One extended sex scene between real-life couple. Plenty of flashbacks of Harris strutting her bad girl stuff.  Three deaths. Bizarre picture credits that include most of the crew.  Biehn starring as Kyle, which just makes me think of Kyle Reese from Terminator. Se7en mimicking. One impressive mustache.

The Score: 3 Angry Biehns out of 5.