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January 12, 2010

Impromptu Horror Movie Marathon Day! (Part Two)

The journey continues....

It's 3:56 pm. I just said I need a better movie. And knowing that, I put in....Sleepaway Camp. I haven't seen this in probably a decade, and am pretty sure I'm crazy for picking it under these circumstances. Alas, here we go.
3:57 pm - This is incredibly dreadful opening credits music. But it's light out. Feels like a scene out of High Anxiety. "What a dramatic campground!"

4:00 pm - Love how the dad and the kids have entirely different accents.

4:02 pm - You know, if I had a degree in Psychology, I'd assume that kind of accident could be incredibly traumatic.

4:04 pm - Thank the lord that's not anyone's real mother.

4:06 pm - Robert Earl Jones has his son's voice. Too bad he didn't have the outfit and helmet that he was wearing at this time. Would have made the movie far, far better.

4:12 pm - I didn't see this movie until after I was too old to have gone to camp, BUT THIS IS WHY I NEVER WENT TO CAMP. (And yes, I do mean because of the "head chef".)

4:13 pm - Emphasis on "head". [/rimshot]

4:15 pm - Poor head chef. I guess that's what the kids call a SICK BURN! [/doublerimshot]

4:19 pm - I've just never understood the appeal of camp. It's like it was parents' excuse to send their kids to the woods where they could be crappy to each other without bugging the adults. Kinda like a supervised walkabout.

4:21 pm - "This guy blows dead dogs!"

4:23 pm - This movie could have been called Puberty: The Killer Musical.

4:24 pm - Blue Oyster Cult t-shirt plus mullet = What the ladies call "DREAMY!"

4:29 pm - Who sits on opposite sides of a snotty girl and spends their time nodding and smiling at each other?

4:31 pm - Here's to you, Blue Oyster Cult Shirt Lisp Guy. You belong in the douchebag hall of fame.

4:33 pm - Now the torch of jackassery is passed on to Tight Jeans and Half a Florida Shirt Guy. It's on.

4:34 pm - "As far as I can tell, the boy drowned." I'm curious, what was his first clue?

4:35 pm - You can tell Judy's important, because she's got a shirt with her name across the tits.

4:38 pm - Awww. First kiss. So romantic. *giggle*

4:41 pm - It's amazing what one goofy looking boy can do for Angela's shyness. Years of progress in like three awkward conversations.

4:45 pm - Short shorts + no shirt = me vomiting.

4:47 pm - NOT THE BEES!!!!! NOT THE BEES!!!!!!

4:50 pm - Oh, young love. How sweet. *giggle*

4:51 pm - Awkward.

4:53 pm - Capture the flag, eh? I want to play Halo 3 now. Nerd.

4:55 pm - The dramatic implications of this love triangle are KILLING ME! Who will ever give Judy the love she deserves!

4:58 pm - After Angela gets thrown in the water, all the other kids throw sand at her as she's being saved. Such a horrible vision of humanity. Thankfully it's a slasher film, so nothing it does really matters.

5:00 pm - Oh look, a shower scene. Yawn.

5:05 pm - Time for some first person action, which is surprisingly not abused throughout most of the movie.

5:13 pm - The death toll continues to rise. We've just gotten through our F13 arrow wannabe scene.

5:14 - Hey Ricky! You got some 'splainin' to do!

5:17 pm - And it's time for our final twist's explanation. Yay!

5:18 pm - Most memorable final shot of the '80s? I dare you to forget it. And, the final credits roll. For all its ridiculousness, this one is at least fun. While I'm still here - what's with this song over the end credits? How awesome is it? (The correct answer is VERY AWESOME.) This might be the most musical schizophrenic film of the day, considering the opening in contrast to this.

5:23 pm - Time to start up one more flick, before I get to the meat and potatoes of my marathon. Thus I'm going against my better judgment and going back to the After Dark Horrorfest well for the post-apocalyptic cannibal flick Tooth and Nail....5:28 pm - Once again, Lions Gate DVD = A BILLION TRAILERS. I've never seen one for this Wristcutters: A Love Story flick, but it looks kinda good. Sad I missed it when our now departed indie theater had it.

5:29 pm - And, it's movie time. Diggin' the music to start us off. (What is it with me and music today?)

5:31 pm - Y'know what really sells the scale of an apocalypse? Anything but a frickin' voice over.

5:33 pm - Oooh, that guy! I like that guy! (His name happens to be Michael Kelly. I always knew him as That Guy.)

5:36 pm - Is there a more boring place to set a post-apocalyptic film than an abandoned hospital?

5:37 pm - Ooh, it's Lewis from Revenge of the Nerds. Seems like a scientist. Makes sense.

5:39 pm - Sex in the soiled linens room. Heh.

5:41 pm - Speaking of, I've been watching horror movies for nearly five hours....haven't seen a single pair of tits. I'm starting to think our precious genre is getting a bad rap.

5:42 pm - Just realized that was the guy from Cabin Fever. Knew he'd been in an Eli Roth film as soon as he said "retarded."

5:46 pm - Man, that guy (Kelly) is a fantastic cynic.

5:48 pm - By cynic, I think I mean asshole.

5:56 pm - Nice surprise kill, and then we're back to the slowness. This movie goes somewhere, right?

5:58 pm - I love "We don't know anything about her!" scenes. This one was too short.

5:59 pm - "I'm just gonna wander around alone for a while. You guys stay here and live for now." (Not actually said, but close enough.)

6:00 pm - This kinda reminds me of Prince of Darkness, but without the Liquid Satan.

6:02 pm - Michael Madsen looks so sad these days. But he'll always have Mr. Blonde to keep him awesome.

6:03 pm - The Rovers are exposed. I hope they have red ones.

6:06 pm - This vote for a new leader to face the Rovers is too intense....I'm off to get tacos.

7:16 pm - And, I'm back. I'd like to remind you all that this blog is sponsored by Taco John's and my adorable baby "niece".

7:17 pm - Yup, Prince of Darkness without Liquid Satan. Final answer.

7:22 pm - More non boob sex, and now the cannibals are roaming. Cool lighting in this flick, at least.

7:24 pm - I'm the token alternative character and the token minority, and I'm wandering around alone. No reason to fear, right?

7:27 pm - Could Madsen appear less interested in being in this flick? Oh wait, yes. I just remembered Bloodrayne.

7:28 pm - If I were them, I'd look at the killers and say "I'm afraid you're going to c.....leave me."

7:28 pm - Also, I wonder how many times in his career Michael Madsen has had to say "Well, well" with a sly grin. My best guess is A LOT.

7:31 pm - Excellent broken bone shot.

7:33 pm - Needles are to me as snakes are to Henry Jones, Jr.

7:35 pm - Wait. She's not a doctor, but she is able to cut out parts of bones and put them back in right. What?

7:42 pm - "If they want dinner, they're gonna have to pay for it." It's funny, because they're cannibals and they plan to attack them.

7:43 pm - BTW, I'm assuming the apocalypse made everyone decide to change their names....but the awful choices are so disturbing.

7:43 pm - And blatant twist occurs.

7:44 pm - I love watching actresses who aren't good actresses get "shot" and have to fall down. Someone should make a montage, it'd be funny stuff.

7:45 pm - "I'm gonna kill you!" "Not if I eat you first." - WOW.

7:47 pm - Like From Within earlier, this thing just needs to speed up and end. I will not be going back to the After Dark well tonight, that's for sure.

7:53 pm - In good news, That Guy is back and still cool. In bad news, the Rovers are roving again.

7:55 pm - "Forget the plan, just kill the rest." For once, someone makes sense. Let's get this over with.

7:57 pm - I want to see a picture of Vinnie Jones petting a kitten. Just to know he's not really a monster.

7:59 pm - Bow and arrow kill for the second straight movie. If only someone had killed themselves with one in From Within. That'd be an impressive suicide.

8:02 pm - When you walk straight at someone who has a bow pointed at you, don't be surprised when you get an arrow in the gut. Confucius said that, I think.

8:03 pm - Man, that acid really burned through that guy. I think I should run away and leave the two other jars of it on the shelf. Unarmed is sooooo better.

8:05 pm - The survivor girl just Ultimate Warriored her face. That should do the trick.

8:07 pm - And, the hunted becomes the hunter. Worst trend in 2000s' horror, but this one handles it OK, I guess. Or maybe it just lacks the annoyance because the whole movie is so mediocre.


8:11 pm - And another voiceover leads to the credits rolling. Not an awful movie, but pretty darn unimpressive. I'm officially done seeking out After Dark titles without some amazing reviews or me winning the lottery and having more money to waste. If the producers want to help with the second idea, I'd greatly appreciated it. Now, let's move on to the late evening segment of our marathon......


Hey! Look Behind You! said...

I love the minutes play-by-play. If only you can set up some mass internet watching of these.

The Mike said...

Yeah, I realize it's not gonna make sense to many if they haven't seen 'em, but I wanted to fully chronicle my day. I'm trying to figure out a live thing for the future.