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December 14, 2010

FMWL's 12 Midnights of Christmas: 12 Werewolves Gnashing (By From Beyond Depraved's Joe Monster!)

Joe Monster, your horror loving host at the fantastic From Beyond Depraved, has been one of FMWL's greatest supporters throughout 2010, and has been a true inspiration to me as I grow as a writer.  A young man with an incredible knowledge of filmed, written, and spoken horror of years gone by, Joe also has a strong love for one of my very favorite beasts - the werewolf.  Here, he honors the lycanthropes he loves, and offers up 12 vicious hairballs.  Keep on howling, Joe!

FMWL's 12 Midnights of Christmas presents: 12 Werewolves Gnashing 
By Joe Monster of From Beyond Depraved

We all know that lycanthropes love nothing more than romping around in the winter snow, sniffing evergreen trees and playing their Werewolf Games. Oh, and consuming the flesh of the innocent! Christmas is a ripe time for the shapeshifters to dine on us tasty humans, and they use every honored tradition of the holiday to gain the advantage.

A group of carolers knocking at your door and sounding like a pack of dogs? Well, you better bust out the silver bullets, cause those furry bastards are just trying to get in the house so they can slay belles.

The neighborhood bullies better not force one of their helpless victims to eat a pile of yellow snow, because chances are that’s marked werewolf territory and they’ll soon find out that they’ll be getting something a helluva lot worse than coal this year.

And you remember when you took your kid to the mall to sit on Santa’s lap and they screamed their heads off during the entire ordeal? Well pay attention, dude, there’s a salivating set of canine jaws underneath that white beard just ready to munch on something other than cookies.

Lock the doors, hide the children, and pray to God that the big man in red remembered to pack his wolfsbane this Christmas Eve, because the werewolves are here and they want to stuff their stockings and their hairy faces with human skin! Ho ho no!  

1. Will Randall- Wolf

Perhaps the most charismatic (and certainly oldest) werewolf to make the list. Poor Will is given a nasty bite while driving through the winter snow and the next thing you know he’s got a wee bit of an aggression problem and also enjoys pissing on the legs of his fellow employees. One of Hollywood’s greatest badasses playing a frothing, snarky shapeshifter? Sign me up!

2. The Werewolves on Wheels- Werewolves On Wheels

These guys technically count as a collective group of werewolves, but they’re just too awesomely ridiculous to pas up. Everyone knows you don’t piss off the roadside cult of Satanists, not even if you are Hell’s Angels! But that’s what these leather-clad bullies do, and in the end pay the price by having a hairy malady placed on their heads (though to be honest with you the fur probably doesn’t make much of a difference).

3. Dr. Wilfred Glendon- Werewolf Of London

The moon may call out the beast within botanist Wilfred Glendon, but just make sure that he’s not late for his tea and biscuits! Henry Hull plays a rather proper lycanthrope; he even has the decency to dress properly for the weather as opposed to the typical werewolf habit of streaking through the streets! Don’t let that fool you though. This monster has a set of canines with your name on them, especially if you try to nab one of his flowers.

4. Eddie Quist- The Howling

Now here’s a fella I can relate to. Eddie is pure scum, a murderous, raping scoundrel who deserves a bullet to his brain… and that’s before he transforms! Somewhat of a rarity in the gallery of tragic skinwalkers, Eddie delights in his unrestrained evil and doesn’t give two wolfsbane buds for anyone who has a problem with that. A villainous human hunter if there ever was one, Eddie is bad through and through. I appreciate that quality of character.

5. The Desperate Wolfman- The Monster Squad

This poor sap wasn’t even important enough to get a name for his human form. The only thing that does matter is that he can reassemble himself after a stick of dynamite blows him into itty bitty pieces of fur. Oh, and that he has NARDS! He may be nothing but a mindless slave under Dracula’s dark control, but this Wolfman is seriously one crazy mofo. From his Superman-esque transformation in the phone booth to his epic death by double-barreled shotgun, this dude has awesomeness emanating from his hairy chest.

6. Tony Rivers- I Was A Teenage Werewolf

Ah, teenage angst! Tony’s parents found out the hard way that it was safer just to let their kid keep himself locked in the bathroom for however long he wanted, because the fanged, meticulously combed beast that had been their son has some serious hormonal rage going on. Just whatever you do… don’t make him angry! High school’s a tough time for us all, so let’s take comfort in the fact that no matter how bad things get, at least we’re not a raging monster wearing a letterman’s jacket. 

7. Waldemar Daninsky- Mark of the Wolfman, et al.

It’s Paul Naschy as everyone’s favorite Polish beastie! I like to think of Daninsky as the flighty, little brother to all these other werewolves: he is constantly wrestling with other monsters, ceaselessly drooling a mixture of canine saliva and man meat, and leaping off the walls in mad furies of wanton destruction. And his human counterpart isn’t so hard on the eyes either (cartoonishly audible wink). Waldemar can be summed up with two words everytime mention of his name comes up: HELL YES!  

8. Lester Lowe- Silver Bullet

A wolf amongst the sheep, indeed. Reverend Lowe is a sneaky werewolf, hiding under the guise of his human form in the day to keep his hairy hide covered from the vengeful rednecks that occupy his small town. He’s not necessarily evil, but he’s also not opposed to munching on some children in order to protect his hoary identity. Okaaay, maybe he is a bit of an ass. But what self-loving lycanthrope doesn’t enjoy a little careless slaughter here and there? Also: eye patch. Big points.

9. David Kessler- An American Werewolf In London

David is a hunky sweetheart, the type of guy that you’d take to dinner with the parents. It’s a shame that an unfortunate run-in on the English moors ensures that David’s future dating days are just about through. But don’t let that scare you off, ladies. This bachelor is still eligible and has a lot of things going for him. He’s totally cool with getting dinner, he’s capable of cuddling, and his random visions of all his massacred victims are sure to be a hit on Family Fun Night. Plus, keep an eye out for inexplicable glimpses of his firm bum when the moon’s out.

10. Leon Corledo- The Curse Of The Werewolf

Ahh, the other Spanish wolfman. To be fair, Oliver Reed lacks the authentic ethnic flavor for his cursed character, but he makes up for it with lots of intense sweating and manic shouting at his girlfriend’s face. Leon’s rabid counterpart is quite the red-blooded adventurer though, as he’s not adverse to scaling roofs, tearing jail cells to smithereens, and stalking maidens while adorned in a gloriously poofy shirt. Sometimes I’m not sure if Leon’s wolf-form is going to challenge someone to a sword fight or a salsa contest, but I’m sure he could probably win both.

11. Lawrence Talbot- The Wolf Man

Do I really have to give a reason for this one? Lon Chaney was like the hairy father I never had, and watching him stomp across the foggy forests (on his tip toes for some mysterious reason) made me cheer out in crazed enthusiasm. Right from the tip of his permed Jew fro down to the bottoms of his horny toes, I love Talbot with every ounce of my heart. He made me want to become a werewolf once I grew up (an occupation I still believe exists) and made me realize that even a man pure in heart could turn into a wolf when the autumn moon was bright. Cheers, sweet prince.

12. The Huntsman- A Company Of Wolves

The Huntsman is probably the most wolfish human on this entire list. He is devastatingly handsome, devilishly charming, and completely homicidal. He is, as grandmother Angela Lansbury warns, a man who is hairy on the inside. He’s sweet as sugar plums when Red Hood first meets him, but the progressing winter’s night reveals the monster inside the Huntsman… literally. In a completely awesome moment, the wolf tears its way out the fleshy shell by first shoving its snout through the Huntsman’s open mouth. Can you say traumatizing? Definitely the one lycanthrope you don’t want to catch yourself with on Christmas night, and the leader of this pack of werewolves who are guaranteed to make any holiday season a living nightmare from Hell. 

Once again, many thanks to Joe Monster for joining in FMWL's reindeer games!  Do yourself a favor and head over to From Beyond Depraved for some truly fantastic insight into the horror genre.  And, while you're thinking, feel free to talk about Joe's lycan friends and your favorite werewolves in the comments below!  Until next time, BEWARE THE MOON!


Jinx said...

Heck yeah, Howlin' Joe! That was awesome. It's just not Christmas without the distant sound of howling and the scratching of claws.

Anonymous said...

Honestly, I gave up on the whole werewolf-as-occupation thing as soon as I heard about the "pure in heart" requirement. Good thing the world can't get enough of Satanists in horror films, lol.

Enjoyable list. Now I need to re-watch some of these.

Anonymous said...

I'll be the one to say it....What about "Teen Wolf?" Rumor has it Michael J Fox shakes in fear now days while re-watching it.

Sorry ya'll. If I didn't say it, The Mike just might think something is wrong with me. And for the record: Michael J. Fox=Awesome.

Great post- I enjoyed the list!

Malice said...

I love it! This is starting off with a bang.

Liam Underwood said...

Man, this is an awesome list. So many films on it I still need to get around to seeing, but I have definitely been inspired. Awesome start =)

The Mike said...

Oh geee...I wonder who anonymous is? Might he have a post upcoming in this 12 Midnights of Christmas fiasco? Hmmm...I wonder.... :)

Fred [The Wolf] said...

Ha! Awesome list! I wish I had known about this project. I would have loved to contribute. Maybe the next one, huh?

As a wolf connoisseur, I approve of this list.