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February 17, 2010

Midnight Top 5 - Dickholes in Horror Movies

The history of horror films has been full of psychotic characters and evil characters, but it's also been full of idiots, morons, buffoons, imbeciles, and even troglodytes. As if that's not enough, there are often dicks and assholes (and maybe the third type that Team America mentioned, but I'm trying to stay classy here). But a chosen few characters have crossed the streams of dick and asshole behaviors and become the worst of the worst - dickholes. You know dickholes. They're the people that you want to punch in the groin as soon as you see them. They're not the people whose behavior is justified by a lack of intelligence, a moral choice, or a mental imbalance....they're just dickholes without knowing it.

With no further ado, I present a Midnight Top 5 list of Dickholes in Horror that make my rage fly.Steve (played by Ty Burrell) in Dawn of the Dead '04 - Steve's the kind of dickhole that is almost enjoyable to be around, until he speaks a third time. "Oh yeah, that's funny Steve!" "Ha, dog with a ham sandwich! That's funny Steve!" *pause* *pause* *pause*

Yes, that's right, you're at that point where you've gone from patronizing Steve to just wishing he weren't around any more. And you can't even talk about it. You're just shocked at his dickholeness. (And, like many dickholes, he still somehow gets a younger, more good-looking chick interested enough to bone on camera.)Cleopatra (played by Olga Baclanova) in Freaks - One of the first female dickholes (Gals, don't act like there aren't lady dickholes out there!) of all-time, Cleopatra ranks high in several dickhole categories - specifically the inability to control herself when drunk, the desire to use those weaker than her, and - of course - the lust for money at any expense. Moreover, she uses her body as a weapon (with some help from poison) to get her way.

Well, at least for a while. The Gods of Dickhole Smiting did not miss Cleopatra's actions. Kudos to them.Trevor Lyle (played by Xander Berkeley) in Candyman - College ladies, THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T GET INVOLVED WITH PROFESSORS! Because someday, when you get involved with an urban not-quite-legend that leads to a bee-infested gigantor with a hook stalking you and framing you for murders while pleading that you be his victim...the only thing you're gonna have to rely on is this guy.

Trouble is, he's off boning the next college lady. Good luck, Helen. He got what he needed and broomed you fast. (BTW, what's with dickholes and boning? I mean, anatomically it makes sense...but still. You gals are smarter than that, right?)Harry Cooper (played by Karl Hardman) in Night of the Living Dead - Harry Cooper is what the French would call "le dikhol clasique". I mean, this is what being a dickhole is all about - you're surrounded by flesh eating ghouls, your daughter's hurt, some people are trying to HELP YOU. And're too stubborn and racist to help out! Moreover, you try to convince others your dickhole ways are not dickholish, and get them into deadly situations. Mr. Cooper, it's safe to say you reek of dickholocity.Tina Williams (played by Wendy Kaplan) in Halloween 5 - I have to get this off my chest immediately - there is no one living or dead, real or fictional, that I HATE more than Tina Williams of Halloween 5. Seriously, Tina, you're the "good" character with the least redeeming qualities of all-time. You speak of hearts made of neon and sing doopty-doo songs, but you're a moron who's annoying, doesn't care about your friends (seriously, your "best friend" was laying upstairs DEAD and you didn't think to go check...or to mention her again in the next 12 hours), and looks like the 1980s' vomit.

Moreover, you're so annoying that even Michael Myers, who is the personification of EVIL, had you in a car and LET YOU GO because you're THAT annoying. Congratulations, you're the only person older than 10 that Michael's ever spared. I still don't believe he really killed you out in that field, because your scream is so piercing that he probably ran the opposite direction while your neon blood healed itself to let you go on living your terrifyingly awful existence.

Tina Williams isn't entirely a dickhole, she kinda seems to care about little Jamie (except for the part when she decides Jamie's fears aren't more important than her chances to get boned), but since dickhole's an insult and I have a chance to use it on her, I am.
Honorable Mention: The Lifetime Non-Horror Movie Dickhole Award goes to William Atherton - Dude plays a fantastic dickhole. He did it in Ghostbusters, he did it in two Die Hards, and he even did it in Bio-Dome. When you're gonna blow up a dome that includes both a) a Baldwin (even if it is Stephen) and b) a young and sumptuous Kylie Minogue - YOU'RE A DICKHOLE.

Did I forget any dickholes that get you raving? Hit up the comments below. Also, feel free to come suggest a Midnight Top 5 topic on the discussion board of From Midnight, With Love's facebook fan page.


Jordan in Texas said...

Haha. This is a fantastic list. I always loved hating William Atherton in Real Genius.

oducerproducer said...

My god i hated Tina, i actually hated all the characters except Loomis in Halloween 4 & 5.

Anonymous said...

Where are Scott from The Evil Dead and Howard from the original My Bloody Valentine. Those are two prime dickholes right there, Mike.

Love this list. Keep up the great work.

MadMan said...

Awesome list, truly. Atherton of course is the king of playing dickholes. No others come to mind at the moment, but I'm sure I've seen a couple in action.