Big Three Slasher Series Bonanza! The Halloween/Elm Street/Friday the 13th Countdown

Cool image stolen from this dude because it's cool.

So it was October a bit ago and I was like "YEAAAAAAAHHHHH, HORROR!" like I was Slim Pickens riding a bomb to the DVD store. And then it ended, and things around FMWL got a little too quiet for my tastes.  And then I was like "Oh yeah, that's because I need to come up with things to write about."

And so it came to pass that I started thinking back to October and realized how often I popped in a film from one of three slasher franchises.  You know, those franchises with Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees* and/or Freddy Kreuger in them.  And then I realized that, sometimes, it wasn't even because I liked the movies.  It was just that these three killers and their films have become such a comfortable place for me to go when I'm looking for a dose of slashy horror.
* signifies the possibility of Jason Voorhees not always being Jason Voorhees.

Now, don't get me wrong - there are tons of other slashers that are better than many of these films and there are tons of franchises with iconic dudes - like Leatherface and Pinhead, to name two - that are just as awesome as some of these dudes.  But these three franchises have always been "the big three" to me, based on a) the longevity of their reigns and the multitude of films in each series, and b) the fact that they kind of feel like the three killers that are most accessible to both fanatical and casual horror fans.

So now that I was thinking about these movies, I figured I'd do that thing I do when I got nothing else to do - MAKE A LIST. With no further ado, here's The Mike's official countdown of how much he loves/respects/hates all 30 films/remakes/cross-overs in these three beloved - for better or worse - bunches of horrory good(or bad)ness.

The Worst of The Worst

30. Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers - Rushed into production with a star who wanted too much money (Ellie Cornell, whose assets from part 4 were disposed of quickly) and a poorly written replacement for her (the annoying Tina Williams, the worst character in the history of movies), Halloween 5 is among the five or ten movies that I hate more than any movie ever. And don't talk to me about what they did to Michael. *tear*

29. Halloween 2 - Rob Zombie's sequel to his remake of Halloween is one of the most maddening films I've ever seen.  I can't talk about how much Zombie crapped all over everything I love about Halloween without wanting to punch kittens. And I gosh darn love kittens.

28. Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare - It wasn't actually the FINAL nightmare - a trend that will continue on this list - but it was Freddy at his low point. There are more awful (and now outdated) pop culture jokes than scares in this film.

27. Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday - Also not FINAL, despite being the second Final in its own series. Jason becomes a shape shifter, and things get weird and stupid. Only ranked this high(?) because it's got Erin Gray (from Buck Rodgers!) and that teasing ending.

The Very, Very Bad

26. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan - The tamest Jason film doesn't have enough of everything I enjoy about this series. And only about 15 minutes take place in Manhattan, which makes me just wish it was Jason at sea with a better director.

25. Halloween: Resurrection - Most notable for the opening sequence with a returning Jamie Lee Curtis, this film was a) years ahead of its time and b) the only film in any of these franchises to rely on Tyra Banks and Busta Rhymes. And, despite all that, it's still incredibly silly and boring.

24. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Master - I just saw this one for the first time during October, and the opening sequence really had me hooked for a few minutes.  Then it became an average Freddy sequel, thanks to bad jokes and annoying characters, and I lost all interest.

23. A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) - A pointless remake that wastes a good cast and some decent dream sequences.  The fact that Robert Englund was replaced by Jackie Earle Haley has been lamented by many fans, but the awful CGI kills are what really lost my interest.

The Just Simply Bad

22. A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge - This might be the most bizarre film on this list, and there are a few moments that are kind of great.  But the decline of Freddy was visible with every joke and one-liner, and the whole film ends up weird in a bad way.

(RANDOM TANGENT: I used to complain that the Friday the 13th movies were so repetitive and that I couldn't remember which was which when they all basically did the same things. I still believe that to an extent, but they have nothing on the Elm Street sequels. You could show me images from any of them (save 3, which we'll get to in a bit) and I'd probably guess wrong about what movie it was.  If you've seen Freddy pop out of one item and say something stupid before killing someone, you don't really need to watch anything after Part 3.)

21. Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers - I've always really wanted to like the sixth film in the Halloween series. Many dismiss it because it tries to explain away Michael Myers in an unconventional way, but I love the fact that it's trying. The "Producer's Cut", which has become a thing of legend to Halloweenaholics like myself, could have been a fresh new twist on the series if given a proper release. But even that version can't overcome some neutering by new distributor Dimension Films, who didn't have their Scream-based swagger yet.

20. Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood - This is the most forgettable film on this list. I've watched it a bunch of times, and I never hate it when I watch it, but then it's just gone. It's like lettuce. There's no benefit from eating, but at least it doesn't do any harm.

The Enigma

19. Halloween (2007) - I don't hate Rob Zombie's Halloween! But, at the same time - I REALLY HATE ROB ZOMBIE'S HALLOWEEN! I know I don't like Rob Zombie's Halloween. But I kind of feel like I could like Rob Zombie's Halloween. Except that it's called Halloween. And it shows no interest in representing what I love about Halloween. And that drives me absolutely crazy. But, if it wasn't called Halloween, I might kind of like it. Then again, maybe I wouldn't.

My brain hurts.

The Average Ones

18. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master - This one gets a slight bump because it's directed by the amazing Renny Harlin. It's a little less annoying than the two films that would follow it and not as ridiculous as Part 2, and the teen cast is actually pretty good.

17. Friday the 13th Part III - The mask! The mask! We finally get the mask!  Aside from that, this one and I go either way. At some points in time, I've said it was my favorite F13. At other points in time, I've thought it was excruciatingly dull. It is one of the better F13 movies for party viewing, if only for the 3D gimmick.

(RANDOM TANGENT: There's no debate on one thing - the Friday the 13th series plays better with a group than the Halloween or Elm Street films do. There's less plot and less ambition, and lots and lots of silliness with kills and sex. You can not lose with Jason at a horror movie party.)

16. Halloween H20: 20 Years Later - An attempt to reboot the series after Scream's success (which ignores the events of Halloweens 4-6, creating what I like to view as alternate timelines for Michael Myers (which I also sometimes argue can be branched back together). The return of Jamie Lee Curtis is welcome, but the mood isn't right - partially because the guy they got to play Michael never watched a Halloween movie and partially because it just doesn't work as well without Donald Pleasence as "the Ahab".

15. Wes Craven's New Nightmare - Wes Craven is a major league slugger when he directs horror movies - meaning that he usually hits a home run or swings and misses wildly. New Nightmare is basically a fly ball that gets caught a few feet before it crosses the fence. Bringing Freddy to the "real world" could have worked - but the film runs about a half hour too long and features a terrible child performance. What could have been.
 

14. Friday the 13th (2009) - I'm not gonna lie. I almost ranked this one ahead of the original. I thought it was a lot of fun, even if it took liberties with the material and featured incredibly bouts of dumbness.  Heck, I might watch this one again before I watch the original again.  Then again....

13. Friday the 13th - The original "shocker" has never been one of my favorite movies, and I often have to be reminded that I do think there are good things about it. There are some good sequences, but there's so much about the film that is just plain average. I think people like this movie more than they should because they like the sequels, which are often better. There, I said it.

The Ones I Always Have Fun With

12. Freddy vs. Jason - The 2003 crossover hit had been talked about since Jason went to hell, and I've always been pleased with the end result.  There's a ton of self-aware comedy, but there aren't sharp contrasts in tone like their were in many late Freddy films. Jason gets to do his Jason thing, and the joke never gets old.

11. Friday the 13th Part 2 - Amy Steel, you guys. There's no way I'm saying this isn't better than the original when Amy Steel is running point. Final girl extraordinaire, you guys.

10. Jason X - Yes, I love it. I know it's terrible. But it's one of the funniest movies ever. Never. Gets. Old.

9. Halloween II - Rick Rosenthal's sequel makes a lot of mistakes and I always get really annoyed by that one twist that changed the series forever. But there are some great moments, and Michael Myers is as creepy as he was in the original - even when he hides underneath the camera waiting to pounce.

8. Friday the 13th: A New Beginning -  When the topic is F13, I go straight to the Tommy Jarvis trilogy. This one gets the short straw tonight, but it's still got some of the better surprises in the series.

7. Halloween III: Season of the Witch - The outlier in the Halloween series is a love-it-or-hate-it horror film. I've done both in my life, but this one of a kind horror story has grown on me over the years.  It's got Tom Atkins and that ending, so once you get past the fact that there's no Michael Myers you'll probably have fun too.

The Darn Good Ones

6. Jason Lives! Friday the 13th Part VI - A reanimated Jason and a 20-something Tommy Jarvis (played by the great Thom Mathews) square off in the most interesting F13 film.  There's a strong focus on the story behind the battle and Tommy's quest to find peace, and the pace is fantastic.

5. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter - My favorite F13 film today. Is it just because of the nostalgia value of Corey Feldman and Crispin Glover? Nah. It's because of Banana Girl.

4. Halloween 4: The Curse of Michael Myers - I've lauded this as one of my favorite sequels ever for a long, long time. Heck, I used it for a lecture in a college course once. Pleasence gives a fantastically hammy performance, and Ellie Cornell and Danielle Harris are great additions to the series.  Myers would never be this scary again.

3. A Nightmare on Elm Street - Search this blog for mentions of this movie and you'll find out how mad I get about the ending. I just hate it. It's so bad. I can't forgive it. You've got 80 minutes of a truly great horror movie...and then THAT. Boo.

2. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors - DOKKEN! OK, it's not all about Dokken. But man, there are few horror movies from the 1980s that scream 1980s like this one. It's the perfect balance of comedy and horror that Freddy would never match again, and the kills are fantastic.

The Great One

1. Halloween - Doesn't even belong on the same list as the rest of these movies. They range from terrible to fun, but it's my favorite horror movie ever.

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Here endeth the list. Agree? Disagree? Hit up the comments! In the meantime, I'm gonna watch a horror movie. Adios!

The Mike's Top 10 Favorite Spacemen and Spacewomen

Last week, NASA launched the last space shuttle they will ever launch.  I don't know about you, but that ticks me off.  I mean, who DIDN'T want to travel across outerspace when they grow up?  I know I did.  Now, I know that NASA plans to work on new ways to send people further into space, but doesn't it kinda chafe your bum that we haven't been there yet?

Thankfully, a lot of cool people have been to space on the big and small screens.  And thankfully, I can share ten of my favorites here.  So, let's hit it.

Oh. And - just to be difficult - I've decided not to include anyone from any movie or show whose title starts with STAR. (Sorry Chewbacca!)

10. Jason Voorhees - Jason X
(Played by Kane Hodder, 2001.)

After a near decade of skewering camp counselors, silly kids, mental patients, and New Yorkers - plus a shape-shifting trip to Hell - it was about time that the masked Mr. Voorhees got some rest.  But after about 500 years of rest, his old rage is back and he's got a cast of goofy space folks to dispose of.

Written by Drive Angry scribe Todd Farmer, Jason X is a huge departure from the rest of Jason's adventures - but I have to admit I kind of love its awful dose of cheese.  And, considering the likes of Alien were basically slasher movies in space...why not send the most well known slasher of the '80s into orbit? Makes sense to me.

9. Sgt. Pinback - Dark Star
(Played by Dan O'Bannon, 1974.)

Speaking of Alien, one of the men behind the classic film once gave a fun performance while battling another loosed alien menace.  Maybe he didn't have a H.R. Giger designed creature - and maybe he was actually wrestling with a beach ball with feet - but O'Bannon still managed to fight off a space demon.

Moreover, O'Bannon - who co-wrote the film with his classmate John Carpenter - offers some of the film's funnier non-bomb related moments.  Most enjoyable are the scenes in which he rants into his diary, showing a natural bit of charisma and the passion for sci-fi that would define his career.  Although O'Bannon and Carpenter went through what my mother would call "a falling out" after the film was released, it's safe to say that their one collaboration is nothing if not memorable.

8. Tom Servo - Mystery Science Theater 3000
(Played by Kevin Murphy, 1988-1999.)

I probably could have picked anyone from The Satellite of Love - except Joel, who annoys me - but there's something about Tom Servo and his gumball machine shaped head.  Plus, Tom Servo was the only of the group to make it through every episode of the series, so perhaps I'm rewarding him for his longevity.

And yes, I know a robot isn't necessarily a spaceman or a spacewoman. But it's my list, so laugh at the gumball bot.

7. Barbarella - Barbarella
(Played by Jane Fonda, 1968.)

Barbarella is one of those movies that is just kind of entrancing.  While a lot of the intrigue comes from the intergalactic scenery and the wacky adventures of all characters....a lot of the charm comes from Jane Fonda at zero gravity, too.

Aside from her looks, Fonda also manages to make the title character interesting with her willingness to be totally innocent in the role.  Well, it's either innocent or vapid.  Some days I'm not sure.  But she's awesome at whichever it is.

6. Korben Dallas - The Fifth Element
(Played by Bruce Willis, 1997.)

My life would not be complete without Bruce Willis movies, and this list would not be complete without The Fifth Element. I still recall being a teenager who had next to no interest in seeing this film in the theater - I only went because it seemed more interesting than Jurassic Park 2 - but it's become one of my favorite sci-fi blockbusters over the past 14 years.

Though the likes of Milla Jovovich, Gary Oldman, and (yep, I'm gonna say it) Chris Tucker steal most scenes in the film, Willis' cab driver turned hero in goofy clothes and with bleached blonde hair is the film's center - and he brings his a-game.  It might not be as good as Die Hard or as snarky as The Last Boy Scout - but those movies aren't in space now, are they?

5. Ellen Ripley - The Alien Series
(Played by Sigourney Weaver, 1979-1997.)

Sometimes you don't really have to defend the things you say.  Like when you say "Man, that Hitler guy was a dunce" or when you say "Grilled cheese sandwiches are pretty amazing".  And, after years upon years of loving the Alien films, I'm pretty sure that the phrase "Ellen Ripley is one of the all-time greats" falls into that category.

I suppose if I had to defend myself I could mention that I'm quite fond of Ripley's resolve.  Everyone lauds her for how aggressive she became in the second film, but even before that it was easy to see that this was a character who would stand for what's right and what needs to be done...and I dig that.  Good for you, Ms. Ripley.  May you never face an Alien menace again.

Oh, and bonus points for the cat love.

4. Captain Malcolm Reynolds - Firefly/Serenity
(Played by Nathan Fillion, 2002-2005.)

If only Fillion really got to play Reynolds for a full three years. He might be higher up this list.  Alas, the short reign of the Captain and the Browncoats left much to be desired.  None of that's his fault, of course...but it makes me sad enough to not risk ranking him higher.

I know it's become cliche and kinda uncool to be a browncoat, but I stand by the Captain still.  Reynolds nearly single-handedly got me interested in sci-fi and western cinema in a way I didn't expect...and he did so with a mix of compassion and brutality that made him the perfect hero on the edge of the 'verse.  I can dig it.

3. Stella Star - The Adventures of Stella Star (aka: Starcrash)
(Played by Caroline Munro, 1978.)

Because she's Caroline Munro.

2. Flash Gordon - Flash Gordon

(Played by Sam J. Jones, 1980)

The top two on our list are basically the two greatest dudes ever created on screen that aren't named Plissken or Balboa.  And it was near impossible for me to pick which belonged at #2 and which belonged at #1.  Alas, it was Gordon that checked in at #2, partially because he didn't play for the Packers and partially because he can be kind of a doofus at times.

Those minor flaws aside, I think it's safe to say that there are few heroes who are more heroic than Flash Gordon.  With his blonde locks and his too small t-shirt, Flash manges to woo both an intelligent New York woman and a space princess.  He manages to overthrow a Merciless villain, and befriends a future Bond...and he does it all in such style.  Why isn't he Number 1 again? Perhaps it's because Brian Blessed needs some of the spotlight too.

1a & 1b. Buck Rogers & Wilma Deering - Buck Rogers in the 25th Century

(Played by Gil Gerard & Erin Gray, 1979-1981.)

While I intended to have Buck Rogers atop this list a few minutes ago, I decided that just wasn't right.  That quote about every good man and a good woman is always fun, and Wilma Deering needs to be represented here.  After all, she kinda kept Buck in check, didn't she?  

That said, Buck Rogers is kinda the ultimate dude.  He fights, he befriends robots, he has ridiculously cool hair - he does it all.  I mean, he got lost in time - but he still came out on the other side as a hero.  In fact, considering their similar fates, I think it's only fitting that someone out there needs to make Buck Rogers vs. Jason X.

And with Wilma on Buck's side, there's no way Jason stands a chance.