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August 3, 2010

Midnight Top Five - I'm completely out of juice...

Not actual juice, I'm actually drinking Gatorade at the moment, but metaphorical juice. (I still have a strong dislike for the fact that they put numbers on the Gatorade bottles, because I'm drinking part 2 without having drank any of part 1). My point is that I'm tired. Work has kicked me in the sack for a couple of weeks now, and I'm in one of those "one minute I'm glad I'm not at work and the next minute I'm exhausted and hating them" moments. I'm taking restorative measures, hence the Gatorade and the fact I'm watching the episode of Tales from the Crypt that Arnold Schwarzenegger directed. Y'know, the one that has William Hickey and Kelly Preston. I do so love Kelly Preston.

My other point is that I shouldn't be writing anything right now, but I'm determined to post tonight. I should have stayed on the couch and enjoyed myself, but I'm here instead. And that's inspired me to look at some horror movie characters who also should have stayed on the couch, so that I might learn from their mistakes.

Let's get to the list! (And, let's see how well this Gatorade lets me "perform".)


Randy Meeks - Scream & Scream 2 Us horror fans LOVE Randy. He's like the godfather of the horror blogosphere. But why...aside from his lust for he even at the party in Scream? My guess is that he wanted to show off his knowledge.

Let's face it, all of us horror lovers, get a massive kick out of "corrupting" the folks that say they "don't like scary movies". Randy is completely guilty of vanity, because he totally thought he could be a star if he presented his theories on Jamie Lee's boobs and "rules". He would have enjoyed staying at home watching these movies just as much, but he had to try and be the guy. And his choice put him at the scene of a bloodbath.

(I know, I know. Randy survived Scream. But he just had to pull it again in the sequel. And he became a victim of that classic folly...thinking you'll be a big fish in a big pond simply because you were a big fish in a small pond. One point, Olyphant.)

Dick Hallorann - The Shining Scatman Crothers, what's up with that? You won't shine on, because you trekked all the way across the country, leaving your TV and giant painting of a topless chick with an afro do that? I mean really, you might have completed the worst attempt at being a savior of all-horror-time.

That was your big plan? Just walk in and look around? You worked so hard to even get to the Overlook....and then you ended up looking like a fool. Do you like ice cream, Doc? TOO BAD. You're stupid and dead.

Cheryl Williams - The Evil Dead WHO GOES TO A CABIN IN THE WOODS AS THE FIFTH WHEEL? Especially when one of the dudes on the trip is your brother? Best case you're gonna be in a dark cabin reading a book while your brother has sex on the other side of a small wall. Worst case...what happened with the tree and after the tree. Seriously, you left a weekend at college for that?

Suzy Bannion - Suspiria You couldn't find a ballet school that was closer to home than GERMANY? I've heard of studying abroad (and I've practiced studying many broads), but this is ridiculous, Suzy. And you didn't do enough research to find out there was a thinly veiled cult their either? For shame.

Frankenstein's Monster - Any version of Frankenstein Now, if your brain is "abby something", maybe you can't make the right choices. But really, what's the big deal about being a created monster for exhibition. Fritz and his fire might be annoying, but do you have any idea what it's like in the real world? Getting a job, paying bills, dealing with society's "norms"? Dude, just stay on the shackles and get fed and don't worry about things! Trust me, it's way better than what else you could be doing.

Morgan Freeman once said "the world is a fine place, and worth fighting for". Tonight, I don't agree with the second part.

Now, I slide back to my couch, as I've switched to the Tales from the Crypt episode with Teri Hatcher and Miguel Ferrer. Oh yeah.


Enbrethiliel said...


Nice list! It makes me glad that I stay on the couch a lot, too. =P I may be a female version of Randy (Bwahahahaha! I wish!) and would probably survive my first Horror movie, but then, yeah, I'd get arrogant and try to be that proverbial big fish and well . . .

Jinx said...

Brilliant, and very amusing, list. I'd never leave my room at all if it was like Scatman Crothers' The Shining room. Hope you feel better soon.

Bryce Wilson said...

Great list.

Stay strong. Remember if the bastards get you down they win. And nothing would suck more then that.

Emily Louise Church said...

Haha brilliant list. Good to see Suspiria mentioned!

Jose Cruz said...

As everyone else has said, totally boss list, sir! Great premise and hilarious delivery. Top of the line work!

P.S. Is it sad that I knew you were talking about "The Switch" and "The Thing From The Grave" just by the actors' names you provided? =/

Morgan said...

I love this! I totally agree with your choice for Cheryl in The Evil Dead. Who likes being the fifth wheel?

I really wish Randy would have stayed on the couch through Scream 2. It just wasn't the same without him after that. Hopefully, he will make a cameo in Scream 4. Wes Craven could make him be a ghost.

Anonymous said...

Don't let the man keep you down.

That said, great list and an excellent idea.

The Man-Cave said...

Well for someone out of juice, you came up with a creative post. Boy how I wish Scatman would have stayed on his bed by the picture of his naked African goddess and not meet the end of a vicious axe.

The Mike said...

Many thanks all! It's you fine folks who keep my power refilling!