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December 22, 2009

The Mike's Christmas Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

It's been a while since I've written. You know how it is: postage rates are up, college took some of my focus from the simple things in life, and I even forgot how to write in cursive. But the internet has given me new life, at least in expressing myself, so I thought I'd send you a shout out this Christmas. And, since I'm humble enough to admit I've been negligent, I'll even make it an open letter that all my readers can see.

Anyway, it's good to have you around. That litterbox in the wrapping paper/kitten in the other room trick from '89 was awesome. And I still guard that Portuguese set of Universal Monster flicks you found me while they were out of print with my life, even if that Van Helsing flick brought them all back from the dead the next summer. Plus, that time when you got me the clock radio with tape deck and got my sister the clock radio without tape deck...HILARIOUS! She cried so hard that the 'rents went to town Christmas morning and bought her boom box. Good times, Sir Claus.

This year, I've only got one request. It's kind of a big one, and I know you and your elves might have some trouble making it work, but I've got to put it out there:

Dear Santa, Please don't let The Wolf Man remake suck.

I know, I know. The thing's been in developmental hell for years. It's had re-shoots, re-castings, re-edits, even re-scoring. Every sign points to it being re-diculous. (See, I didn't say tarded. I'm really trying here, Nick.)

But if I ignore all that, and I ignore the fact it's a remake, and I ignore the fact Joe Johnston hasn't made a good movie since The Rocketeer....I have so much hope for it. I mean, Benicio Del Toro? Anthony Hopkins? Hugo Weaving? Emily "HOTNESS" Blunt? I love that cast! And the effects look soooo good with Rick Baker back in charge! Not only that, it looks like it nailed the Victorian style, all while adding a Frankensteinian plot element. I couldn't be more excited for an adaptation of one of my favorite films! I know, I's ridiculous of me to hope for good. But we need this, Santa.

After British and Canadian folks nailed the werewolf genre early this decade with Dog Soldiers and Ginger Snaps, Hollywood followed suit...and gave us things like Cursed and Blood & Chocolate. Worse, werewolves became the pawns in Harry Potter and Twilight books and movies. Even if Cuaron did them well in the Potter-verse, it's not enough to bring the fellows back to prominence. Underworld had them second billed to Kate Beckinsale's hotness for two films, and I get that, but it's not what they need. Even the aforementioned Helsing flick gave the lycanthropes the shaft.

Face it, you know werewolves are cooler than vampires, mini-wizards, or even Olivier Martinez. But everyone's stuck on having them play second fiddle lately. We have to stop this.
Even if we take monster social class wars out of the equation, I ask you: When's the last time we've seen a horror flick that looks half as old-school, nightmare-visually promising as this one? Sleepy Hollow, at least. You know it, and I know you can't accept it. Again, we need this one.

I beg of you, Santa, look in your heart. We all know you're a horror nerd. No one who pulls an all-nighter flyin' is a morning person. Something tells me you love staying up late with the Mrs. and puttin' on a Hammer flick, or something with Karloff and/or Lugosi. You can't trick us with your jolly yuletide cheer. You're one of us and you want this as much as I do.

So make some calls. Give the head of Universal that shiny golf club he wants. Leave a few more flashlight pens for Roger Ebert than usual. Put a little extra fromage in the french distributor's stocking. Whatever it takes, Santa. Whatever it takes.

That's it for me. I'd like that Watchmen Ultimate Edition, or that Robert Mitchum box set, or even just a copy of Sand Serpents or Swamp Devil or whatever else SyFy put out recently. But I won't be fully satisfied with anything less than a little assurance that this Wolfman flick will have my heart on February 12th.

Keep up the good work, and be safe flying over the middle east. I believe in you Santa, and something tells me you and I can work together on this one.

From Midnight, With Love,

The Mike

(And to all of you readers out there (Yes, the four of you), I wish you all safe travels and great times with your family and loved ones this holiday season! It's been a great first year of running this thing, and I hope we can stick to our guns and add some new stuff in early 2010! Since I don't have gifts for you all, I offer this picture in the hope that our great nations may learn to live in peace. Happy viewings!)

1 comment:

Hey! Look Behind You! said...

I didn't put The Wolf Man on my anticipation list because I too fear that it will suck. But if Santa likes you enough, maybe, just maybe it will work. But then again, some thing are out of his your sister deck-less radio. Haha, that's awesome. But regardless of what's to come, we will have great movies to look forward too!

Happy Holidays!