Midnight Top Five - The "Helpful Horror Neighbors" Edition

In reality, being a neighbor doesn't mean much any more.  We all wish we had great neighbors, like the cast of Welcome, Back Kotter, but life is never really that easy.  For example, some of my friends used to live in an apartment building in which the man who lived below them was a loud, abrasive, foul-mouthed fellow who would stand on his deck and shout at people over the phone and talk about how stupid women are.  My friends and I, knowing this man was certainly on edge, would sit quietly in their apartment with their deck door open.  We would listen in on his conversations, we would laugh about the orange dude with the fake tan who was crazy, and we would say things like "Man, he's gonna kill somebody someday!"

That dude is a convicted killer now. 

While I don't think we were in a position to stop this dude from becoming a murderer - First of all, the dude hadn't killed anyone yet; second of all, the Final Four was on that weekend and we were thus busy - I suppose our run in with a neighborly killer could be paralleled with the neighbors we usually see in horror films.  As art continues to imitate life, neighbors in horror films continue to play less of a role.  Some movies take neighbors out of the equation (The Shining, Friday the 13th, etc.), while others either ignore their characters' neighbors completely (wouldn't the people next to the Hellraiser house notice something's wrong?  How about Charlie Brewster's other Fright Night neighbors?) or make the neighbors ignorant (that scene where Laurie Strode bangs on a neighbor's door only to be noticed and ignored ALWAYS bugs me).

But, in the interest of neighborly love, I say we take a look at the people horror heroes should want to live next to.  Let's see what these five folks (plus a mysterious honorable mention!) have to offer:

John F. Kennedy - Bubba Ho-Tep

Living next to an ex-president has to be a good thing, even if he's presumed dead by most and has been dyed.  But I imagine there are few ex-presidents who would be as helpful in the case of an Egyptian soul sucking mummy as Ossie Davis' JFK is.  Armed with fancy suits and The Everyday Man or Woman's Book of the Soul by David Webb, it's safe to say that Bruce Campbell's Elvis wouldn't have stood a chance against said soul sucker without an assist from the now sand-brained 35th President of the United States of America.  Plus, he's got chocolate dingdongs and Baby Ruths.  Hail to the Chief, indeed!

Eli/Abby - Let the Right One In/Let Me In

If you need a neighbor who's going to protect you, you might be surprised to find that my top picks are a pair of young 'uns.  But the gender challenged Eli of Let the Right One In or the remade Abby from Matt Reeves' Let Me In will certainly be protecting neighbors if you get in their good graces.  Wielding great power and horrible CGI acrobatics, these two are small yet vicious, even if they do keep odd hours.  Bullies, beware!

Scary German Guy - The Monster Squad

The name 'Scary German Guy' may be a put off, but the character played by Leonardo Cimino should be near the top of any list of ideal neighbors put together by those dealing with classic monsters.  Mr. Guy has had a rough past, according to the randomly revealed tattoo on his arm, and thus should be adept in survival situations while bringing a lifetime of knowledge and plenty of helpful books to the table.  Also, Pepsi and pie.  (Seriously guys, you gotta find the neighbors with the good refreshments.  It's CRUCIAL.)

Ernie - Return of the Living Dead

In case of zombies, you need to have someone around who knows the ins and outs of corpses.  Enter Ernie, and don't let his orange headphones fool you.  This guy knows what's going on.

Well, maybe he doesn't.  Truthfully, I think most everyone in ROTLD has lost their darn minds.  But Ernie's relatively sane, kind of calm under the circumstance, and can cremate stuff.  Believe me, you're going to need to cremate stuff.

Solomon - The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

OK, so my list of potential neighbors so far has three senior citizens and two little girls.  Might as well throw in a mental defective. 

Solomon, as played by Ernie Hudson, is a lug with a heart of gold, despite any issues others may perceive due to his status.  He's a good worker, he's strong, but he's reliable with children too.  Plus...Ernie Hudson was a freakin' Ghostbuster.  You can't tell me Solomon doesn't have some of those Ghostbuster skills too.  Also, I just adore Ernie Hudson.  So Solomon must be on my list of ideal horror neighbors.

Honorable Mention:  The Mckenzies - Halloween/Scream

So, I imagine it's not actually the Mckenzie brothers, but you really never can tell.  Truth of the matter is that both Laurie Strode of Halloween and Casey Becker's father tell their loved ones (Tommy Doyle and Lindsay Wallace and Casey Becker's mother, respectively) to go "to the Mckenzies and call the police".  I don't know who these Mckenzies are - perhaps they are in fact beer-swilling Canadians - but in case of a cell phone emergency (and have you seen how often that happens in horror flicks?) you might need some Mckenzies down the road.  Just in case.