FMWL's Horror "Booty Call" List

If you've been reading this site for a while, you know I have strong feelings for many, many horror films.  There are horror films that are like family to me, there are horror films that I write poetry about, and there are horror films that I like to call up just to tell them I'm thinking of them.  But today, I admit a secret shame - sometimes, I really just want to hook up with any horror movie.  And in those moments, many of the characteristics I look for in a fright flick go right out the window.  A coherent plot?  Actors that have talent?  Production values?  Entertainment value?  None of these are required at that time.

Thus, I thought I'd share a list of what I consider to be some of my Horror "Booty Calls".  Yes, these are the films I get together with when I have simple horror desires that need met.  These are the films that I then forget to call back until I'm desperate again.  As Willem Dafoe would say, I get what I need from 'em, then broom 'em fast - because really I just don't care about them on the inside.

Now, I'm going to shed my dignity and struggle to prepare rational explanations for why I can't stop calling these films up late at night.  Watch my shame!

(Note from The Mike: Please be advised this post is meant to contain large doses of humor with its large amount of sad and pathetic truth.  Also, I would like to state that, despite the following comments, I do have a great amount of respect for both good horror films and women.  And yes, everything I know about "hook ups" and "booty calls" came from '80s comedies/coming-of-age films.  Deal with it and have a laugh at my expense!)

The Friday the 13th Series - This is the ultimate horror hook up.  Emotional involvement?  Plots that you have to pay attention to?  Nope, none of that.  Instead, you have a series that knows literally a dozen ways to thrill you in the cheapest way.  It covers everything from early '80s camp fashion to mid '80s dance moves to fooling around with another like minded series.  It gets into freaky soul-jumping and space-traveling fetishes too!  It's like Halloween without the fear, Nightmare on Elm Street without the dreams, and The Exorcist without...well, anything that's in The Exorcist.  No commitment, lots of immediate rewards!

(Also, there are some films in this series that I pretty much despise - which makes for some great, cathartic, angry viewings!)

Urban Legend - I actually kind of like this one, but it's just not the kind of movie I can really commit to.  We have fun together, and maybe if I hadn't gone to college and experienced the sophisticated likes of Suspiria or Session 9 I'd feel like it was a more viable suitor for my horror love.  Instead, it plays like that hometown, girl-next-door type that you always knew you could settle on in an emergency.  Which is sweet then, it just doesn't fit in with your horror fan dreams and aspirations.

Jennifer's Body - I don't think this one needs much explanation.  Like the public perception of its star, it's a mindless horror film that goes down easy.  All you have to do is avoid thinking about all the warnings from all the friends who tell you that you should know better.

Beware! The Blob - You all know that I'm supremely in love with The Blob - but I kinda like its funny younger sequel too.  There's not a good excuse for this, as Larry Hagman's film (yes, this is "The Movie that J.R. Shot!") is cheap and silly and not that interesting.  But sometimes, it's around and The Blob isn't, OK?

Shredder - You know that scene in the teen comedy where the smart but nerdy kid easily tricks the hot but brainless girl into lewd acts?  Shredder - a truly vapid slasher film from 2003 in which a group of snowboarders are systematically killed for not following the "rules" set for skiers - is the film representation of that girl.  Seriously, this movie includes conversations like "Do you realize that you're banging some murderer?" "No, I know, he told me. It was an accident!" - plus horrible acting, no plot twists, and dead bodies that appear to have been doing snow angels.  Yet it's not "so bad, it's good" either, so I don't have to pay enough attention to laugh at its flaws!  If it's that clueless, I know that I can get it to meet my mindless horror needs!  (Don't believe me?  I'm watching it right now!)

The Unearthly - Once abused by the Mystery Science Theater 3000 troupe, this John Carradine/Allison "50-Foot Woman" Hayes/Tor Johnson collaboration has all the trappings of a classic '50s horror with none of the logic or social commentary.  It's the kind of horror film you run into at a classy party that looks like it fits in - but really it's just there for the free drinks and the thrill of crashing the party.  If you're at the party for the same reasons, this one's for you!

Cheerleader Camp - This is the Grace Kelly of '80s slasher hook-ups in The Mike's book.  I can't necessarily explain why - aside from the fact that it's a sleazy slasher movie about a camp full of cheerleaders - but it's the Holy Grail of its type.  Like that John Cusack movie, it's The Sure Thing, with all your sleazy needs in one stop.  It's all 12 Friday the 13th movies rolled into one freaky ball of fun.

The Hand - Last but not least, there's the intellectual - yet freaky - type.  The Hand is written and directed by Oliver Stone and stars Michael Freakin' Caine and the glamorous Andrea Marcovicci, which means it looks pretty reputable to the untrained outsider.  But it also likes to let its freak flag fly, as evidenced by the fact it's a movie about a writer/teacher's severed hand coming back for revenge while he's busy hooking up with his students. You can get away with being seen with The Hand, until your friends start to hear the rumors about what The Hand is REALLY like from others.  That's when you deny all involvement with The Hand.

There you have it, my horror sluttiness revealed.  Do you have your own go to hook up?  Don't be afraid to hit up the comments below!  Now, if you'll excuse me, I got me some 'splainin to do!