The Post in Which I Willingly Watch Twilight (And Vow to Never Speak of it Again)

It's 5:14 pm on The Day That Shall Not Be Named For Fear of Owing Royalties to Greeting Card Companies. And I, The Mike, am about to embark on a journey I fear immensely. Finally, after hiding from the pop-culture phenomenon for a year and a half, I am watching the film known as Twilight.

As a back story, I had no clue what this movie really was when it came out. I'd seen that awful teaser trailer that only confirmed that there are vampires and bad acting and told nothing else of the film. I knew that many females I know had irrational needs to see it. And I knew it was emo. When I finally saw a full trailer for the sequel last fall (attached to the super-awful Sorority Row, if I'm not mistaken), I had a simple reaction - Is that thing really what people like? I couldn't believe the wrist-cut-inspiring things I'd seen on screen. I decided that, sooner or later, I must experience this phenomenon, if only to "get it."

Thus, here I am. I've got some queso dip and chips, a two-liter bottle of Diet Mountain Dew (it was left over from my Super Bowl party, and if I'm gonna watch a depressed teenage girl movie I'm gonna drink a depressed person's soda!), and the trailers at the beginning of the DVD just passed. Now, I provide you my life thought process through that which is Twilight.

But hold on a second, the queso's cold.

(All times are estimated.)
5:23 pm - (0:00:00) - It begins. Summitt Entertainment logo. Wonder how many studio heads are kicking themselves for not getting this? And, we've got a narration about dying to start. get the razor blades ready!

5:25 pm - (0:01:11) - It's always the deer that get hurt first. Serves 'em right.

5:27 pm - (0:03:40) - I'm immediately intrigued by the fact Kristen Stewart looks both ways before entering a room. And is that a cactus in her pocket, or is she just happy to see me? Oh wait...

5:28 pm - (0:04:55) - This Jacob guy's supposed to be hot? He looks like he belongs in a Native American Whitesnake cover band! On second thought, maybe that is kinda hot.

5:30 pm - (0:06:00) - "OMG, that girl drives a ratty truck! She's like sooooo icky!", says the entire parking lot.

5:31 pm - (0:07:40) - Loved Anna Kendrick in Up in the Air, but I immediately wanted to punch her in the face just then.

5:32 pm - (0:08:40) - OMG RPATZ!!! SQUEEEEEE! (Or like, not.)

5:33 pm - (0:09:35) - Turns out I mistook another pale gel-haired fellow for R-Patz and he just showed up. I'm kinda proud of myself. I feel like Ralphie when mom's spoon breaks on his backside.

5:35 pm - (0:11:31) - The uncomfortability of the last 30 seconds was amazing!

5:36 pm - (0:12:46) - Creepy balding guy must die first. Wait a minute - do people even die in this movie?

5:37 pm - (0:13:48) - Is it emo to have one of those porch lights that look like the alien from Dark Star in your room? If so I want to be emo.

5:39 pm - (0:15:00) - OK, whatever just happened with a power plant dude getting mauled was actually kinda well done. I liked what Catherine Hardwicke did with Thirteen, maybe there'll at least be some technical competence here? And while I was typing, Kristen Stewart fell on the ice. AWESOME!

5:41 pm - (0:17:01) - HE SPEAKS! I was assuming he was just a gel-bot. It looks like we're in for a science lab Pale-off! (It's like a face-off, but with pale.)

5:42 pm - (0:18:31) - She doesn't like any cold, wet thing. DEEPNESS.

5:44 pm - Random observation: Is it just me or does Patzy kinda look like a Pez Dispenser?

5:46 pm - (0:22:21) - Hey, it's Peter Facinelli! I had high hopes for this guy back when he was in The Big Kahuna with Spacey and DeVito. I'm glad he survived Fastlane.

5:50 pm - (0:26:42) - Dude named Mike gets REJECTED. Clearly it's a work of fiction.

5:54 pm - (0:30:23) - OK, there's surfing in the blue part of Washington? And someone said dude! SWEET!

5:55 pm - (0:31:18) - "That's all super hero stuff. But what if I'm not? What if I'm the bad guy?"

5:58 pm - (0:32:25) - Every high school related movie revolves around prom. Can't really fault this movie for that. But really, does all high school drama revolve around that? I was a nerd. I don't know!

5:59 pm - (0:34:00) - OMG GOLDEN WOLVES! Almost lost my chips. Also, Stewart looks half less annoying when he hair is hidden from the scene.

6:01 pm - (0:35:29) - Hehehe...creepy bald dude. And Natasha Lyonne and Bob Marley? Ah, the joys of internal recasting. (Yes, I'm aware Bob Marley's dead. Kofi Kingston?)

6:03 pm - (0:37:24) - Pause for needlessly pushed out boobs. Aw yeah. Time to warm up the queso, baby! (No really, I had to use the microwave. It's not some creeper catchpharse I came up with.)

6:06 pm (0:40:10) - DRAMATIC RPATZ! The stare of doom! Surely drunk dudes will die by his hand! And he just grew an accent?

6:08 pm (0:42:12) - This movie has the most odd looking extras. They're almost more entertaining to watch than the movie.

6:10 pm (0:43:56) - I've seen this whole "I can read everyone's mind but yours" thing before, haven't I? Drawing a blank, but it's super familiar.

6:11 pm (o:45: 30) - Beware the ANIMAL ATTACK! If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that...

6:13 pm (0:46:55) - Pepper spray. The gift that keeps on giving.

6:13 pm (0:47:15) - OMG MOMENT OF REALIZATION MONTAGE! (Brought to you by Google and the Interwebs!) (Also, I think the last shot of that montage might have come from a The Cure video.

6:15 pm - Random Observation: On second thought, can we get a Delorean to take this script back to the '80s and make it with Robert Smith in the lead and Deborah Foreman as Bella? I'd like totally watch that movie.

6:17 pm - (0:51:00) - She said the V word! The names of Max Schreck, Bela Lugosi, and Chrisopher Lee were just taken in vain.

6:18 pm - (0:52:20) - Fucking sparkles. Are you kidding me? I hope everyone in this movie has glitter still on them. It's like Demetri Martin says, it's the herpes of craft supplies.

6:19 pm - Random Observation: RPATZ just proclaimed himself "the world's greatest predator." Put him in a jungle with Ahnold and Kevin Peter Hall, now. Please, I beg of you.

6:22 pm - (0:56:06) - OK, I don't have words for the past three minutes. I know, that's supposed to be the BIG scene of their love being born. But really? I mean, really? I never thought "Hey baby, your smell makes me want to eat you!" would be the pitch in one of the most profitable romance films of all-time.

6:24 pm - (0:58:00) - Thank you for clearing everything up, oh powerful narration. AND NOW EVERYONE'S JEALOUS OF HER! OMG, THIS IS WHAT HIGH SCHOOL IS ALL ABOUT!

6:26 pm - (0:59:35) - That flashback scene was also kinda well done. A slight taste of Nosferatu. And I'm terribly sad I just admitted that.

6:28 pm - (1:01:45) - The accent is slipping again. Is that intentional? Or did she just add that line about him speaking like he's from another time to cover it?

6:30 pm - (1:04:25) - Why the hell are they cuttin' on moats? Who the hell doesn't want a moat? (I want a moat.)

6:31 pm - (1:05:12) - I so just cackled loudly at the salad bowl squeeze. The whole movie's worth it now.

6:32 pm - (1:06:27) - I really wish this Jasper character was named Lurch or Hans or something more gangly.

6:35 pm - Random Observation: With the amount of time she spends biting her lip and gritting her teeth, they shoulda rewrote the movie to have Stewart be the vampire. Or just have her play the male, there's nothing exceedingly feminine about her anyway.

6:37 pm - (1:11:30) - As Batman would say, STORM'S COMING!

6:39 pm - (1:13:10) - This movie could really use a lynch mob. There's a perfectly good one in this diner. I proclaim it must occur.

6:40 pm - (1:15:00) - God, he's a creeper. Ladies, please tell me if you'd really accept that creepy looking dude coming in your windows while you sleep. Or better not, don't.

6:42 pm - (1:16:20) - Looks like he picked the eject button over the ejaculate button! And no, I'm not even gonna take the time to ponder the ability to ejaculate of a vampire. Except now that I typed that, I did. Damn you, Stephanie Meyer.

6:44 pm - Random Observation: I used to always get Billy Burke, who plays Bella's dad, and Billy Blanks, of Tae Bo fame, mixed up. Not in appearance, obviously, just in name. I think I'm past that now.

6:45 pm - (1:19:14) - And now the infamous baseball scene. Worth the hype. I want this video game.

6:47 pm - (1:21:31) - SHIT JUST GOT REAL! (And I use that in the weakest sense of the phrase.)

6:49 pm - (1:22:49) - Yeah, he's more Kofi Kingston than Bob Marley. YES! MOAR BASEBALL!

6:50 pm - (1:24:36) - Shucks, no more baseball, but we did get impressions of the Sharks and Jets!

6:52 pm - (1:25:40) - Pattinson really has trouble being dramatic. His line readings are atrocious in this car ride.

6:53 pm - (1:27:27) - Daddy Swan nearly proclaims "I want to practice fatherhood!" So touching. (Except for the touching part.)

6:55 pm (1:29:31) - Thank you, token hunter, for tiring of James' games.

6:57 pm - Random Observation: There's still a half-hour of this? The pain is starting to set in. Don't worry, I'm not gonna cut myself, though I'm thinking it might be more interesting to clip my fingernails.

6:58 pm (1:32:25) - We were thisclose to getting a shot of the sun. Whoa.

7:00 pm (1:33:50) - One of the most impressive things about movies of the past decade is how realistic phones ringing can sound these days. I almost picked up my cell phone twice there.

7:01 pm (1:35:13) - Narration has come full circle from the movie's opening. Surprisingly early for that. Probably a good sign...that the movie has long end credits and I won't be subjected to as much more of this as I feared!

7:02 pm - Random Observation: Then again, the alternative to that last point is that the movie has a Return of the Kings-esque mutliending. I fear again.

7:03 pm - Randomer Observation: This Cam Gigandet fellow has been pretty terrible in everything I've seen him in.

7:05 pm - (1:38:10) - It's on, I guess. Not entirely sure what it is, but it's on.

7:07 pm - (1:39:08) - Wow, blood. In a vampire movie, it took us 1:39:08 to get blood.

7:07 pm - (1:39 45) - "STOP! REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!"

7:08 pm - (1:40:25) - Wait, there's venom? What the hell was James?

7:09 pm - (1:41:22) - That scene was the definition of "Painfully drawn out and poorly executed moral dilemma."

7:10 pm - (1:42:15) - OK, what the hell just happened? Emo music, snowfall, death based narration? What is this, one of your Earth jokes?

7:11 pm - (1:43:40) - I just grabbed my cell phone when their phone rang. CURSES!

7:13 pm - (1:45:30) - Holy stuttering actress, Batman!

7:14 pm - (1:46:41) - Hehehe...giant cast boot.

7:15 pm - (1:47:37) - Just when we'd forgotten about him, Native-American Emile Hirsch Wannabe is back!

7:16 pm - (1:48:46) - I think that was foreshadowing just then.

7:18 pm - (1:50:35) - Since we're clearly winding down, I can ask it: Could they have found less appealing actors to lead this movie? I mean, I was considering the lead singer of The Cure and the star of Valley Girl as significant upgrades! THAT SHOULDN'T HAPPEN. (BTW, I will allow no negative comments toward Valley Girl. That movie forking rules.)

7:20 pm - (1:52:47) - Thank you, everyone else, for clearing the romantically lit gazebo and leaving the camera room to circle lovingly. It's so touching. (P.S. - BARF!)

7:21 pm - (1:53:50) - Oooh, imposing shot as we fade to black-and-white for the end credits. What was it I just said? Oh yeah - BARF!

OK, so that's Twilight. It's safe to say - I don't get it. Granted, I'm not its target audience, but still - what's the appeal. It's ROMANTIC? Really? They speak to each other like seven times!

I mean, Bella needs to get a hobby or something. I'm reminded of the wisdom of Jeremy Goodwin on Sports Night (best TV show ever, BTW!) - "I understand why a woman thinks that any man is better than nothing. I just don't understand why she thinks she has nothing." Really, this movie makes the Titanic craze of 1998 look normal. Seriously girls, you're amazing. Go find what it is that makes you happy and leave the fairy tale ending stuff like this behind. You'll thank yourself in the long run.